Monday, June 19, 2017

Father's Day

I haven't forgotten that I wanted to start blogging again or how much better I would probably feel if I wrote out my feelings more, but sometimes I don't even know where to begin. I am sitting here at work feeling so anxious and overwhelmed with life at the moment that I just thought to myself that I should write! Hopefully if I just put it into words then maybe I won't be sitting here in a mood thinking about it.

Yesterday was Father's Day, which I am sure you already knew. Saturday night I had asked Kenny what he wanted to do on his day. He made a comment how it was nothing special which I ignored. He just said "we will do whatever you want". That is my least favorite answer because then anything we do he walks around miserable, but won't tell me what he would like to do! So I asked if he would like us to take him to breakfast on Sunday. The girls both got excited since we typically don't eat breakfast out, but of course he said "No". It was like he didn't even think about it. It was just a "No", like a "I don't want to be bothered with that" type thing. I told the girls that was fine, that I would still take them to eat. Of course it hurt my feelings and I went to bed sad.

I felt bad waking up and not having much to give him. He had mentioned a new cooler, but the one he wanted was $147 and I just couldn't spend that money at the moment. He also asked for money towards a carport that he wants to buy. When we talked about it a week or so ago, he had told me he just wanted money for his Father's day and his Birthday. This year he didn't do much for me for neither my birthday or Mother's day. I kind of added up what he had done and told him I would match that. I could give him $100 (which is more then he did for me) for each. He got mad and said he didn't realize that we were matching each other dollar for dollar and to not get him anything. I think he wanted me to give him the $600 he was missing. I felt bad, but was also a little upset he got mad about it. I took the girls to Walmart to look at the coolers and since that was a no go, we settled for some lotion that he puts on his feet and was out of and a cooling towel thing that we thought he could use for after he's been outside. They also got him a card and then both girls made him cards at school.

We gave him his gifts, which he kind of just looked at the lotion with a blank face and then he did read the girls cards. They were super excited about what they had given him. Then I told the girls to get dressed and that I would take them to breakfast. He got dressed and said he would go, but I could drive. He hates me driving him so that was weird, but I just said okay with a smile. Breakfast was good and the girls were good for the most part. We went home and the girls did their own thing while I sat and watched Emily play and while Kenny went outside. He came in and I told him I was planning on taking the girls to the pool and asked if he wanted to go. We went to the pool and the girls had a blast. He was short patienced with Hailey, but I kept her distracted so she would leave Kenny alone. We weren't in the pool long before he asked "the next adult swim, do you want to head out?" There is one each hour so apparently he didn't want to stay long. When you get Emily out of the pool she gets upset and screams and cries. He does not do well with that. I always just comfort her and tell her that we need to leave for the day and we can come back another day and redirect her. He get's mad and yells and argues with her. That doesn't solve anything and causes high tension.

I asked if he had wanted to go to dinner, but we had gotten our propane bottle filled while we were at the campground where the pool is located, so he said no we needed to get the bottle back home. Hailey was mad because she wanted to go out to eat. Then Emily started crying she didn't want to go home. Instead of just ignoring her, he argues with her....again! We get home and he hooks up and cleans the grill. Then I get everything ready for dinner and the table set. He cooked the food while Emily played out on the deck. I had her tray all set up with a plate and milk so when she came in she pulled on her tray to see what was there and knocked her milk over. Kenny flipped and screamed at her and then was saying how someone should have been helping her and how she shouldn't do that, ya da ya da ya da. She in turn gets hysterical. I tell her it's okay that I will get her more milk and we don't have to cry over spilt milk, while Kenny is slamming stuff around cleaning her tray off. We get over that and get all settled to eat when Emily said she wanted a burger too. We only had 4 burgers and both Hailey and I were eating one and Kenny planned to eat two. We also had hotdogs cooked for Emily to eat. He then offers her a chunk of his burger in which she won't answer him if she wants it or not. So then she's crying because now he is yelling again and he is over and over saying "Do you need to go to bed". I told him just to stop and give her the burger. He seriously has zero patience for the girls! We ate dinner and talk the rest of the dinner and it was good after that.

We cleaned up from dinner and I got the girls bathed and ready for Monday. I had finally had some time to look on facebook. Of course there was nothing but posts of amazing husbands and dads. I looked for a picture of the girls and Kenny together and found one from last year and I stopped. I didn't know what to post. I couldn't say how thankful I am to have him as their father because he's not always the best father and the last year or so it's gotten worse. I saw posts saying "thank you for always putting our family first" "thank you for being so involved with the children" "thank you for all you do". What was I supposed to write? "Thank you for always yelling at the girls and making them cry"? "Thank you for complaining when you have to do something with us and making us feel like you wasted a day on us?". "Thank you for not ever buying a diaper, formula, or anything they have ever needed" "Thank you for not paying your share of daycare"? I mean seriously! What was I supposed to write?!?

I felt bad that it seemed like everyone had a post and he didn't. I feel bad feeling like I have nothing good to write. I felt bad being unable to make his day special. I just felt so sad and more angry every time I thought about it. And of course today I just feel bad. HUFF! Life is just so tough sometimes.

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