So the new year is right around the corner.......

So the new year is right around the corner. I am hoping know that 2012 will be a much better year for me. 2012 will be the year I focus on me. I want to find myself and accept myself instead of being my own worse enemy. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am self destructive, but this year I am going to work on that. I want to be able to know deep down in my heart that I am a good person and be able to accept myself for who I am.

I have learned a lot this past year. I have come further then I have ever come in the years past. Most of my help came through therapy sessions. Even though we didn't touch to much on the reasons I was there, it helped me learn a lot about myself and about the people around me. The reason I was there is more of a result to the world around me. It is my own self destructive way of gaining control. I NEED control in my life, because for as long as I remember (and still to this day) I allow others to control me. I allow them to control the way I think, the things I do, and the way I feel. So in a world that is spinning out of control to me, that was my only way to find control. As soon as things get tough, I fall right back into those habits because that's the only way I feel I can control things. But the funny thing is, the thing I do for control, actually controls me and my thoughts. Its something I am working on. Baby steps, right? One step at a time.

So back on topic now. In the past year I have realized who counts to me and who doesn't. I have realized who are real friends and who aren't. Think about it, if you needed help in the middle of the night, who would you call? Out of all of your friends, who could you count on to be there right by your side? Who would be willing to do anything it takes to help you out when you need it the most? If I look at my "friends" I have realized very few of them would be there for me. And I am okay with that! It allows me to see who I need to keep closer and the ones that I need to let go. You shouldn't have to work for a friendship. A friendship should come easily. Some of my best friends are ones I don't see very often, or hardly talk to, but whenever any of us have a problem, we know that they will be there in a heartbeat. If you are excited over the silliest thing, they will be there to laugh along your side. You don't have to be bond at the hip or hang out all the time, because you know where ever you are in life, they will always be there right next to you. I have always worked so hard to make everyone happy, I wanted tons of friends. I would do anything for anyone, because that's just who I am. Its okay to have lots of friends, but remember who your few are. People come and go through life, but there are that small few that you know will always be there cheering you on and holding your hand always! Those are the only people who count, the only people who matter, and the only people you should ever lose sleep over.

"You can't change other people, you can only change the way you react to it". Such an important phrase that has made a big difference in my life. It's true. As hard as I wish and try, I cant change other people. They are who they are, so I need to either accept it or get rid of it. It's hard when its people I love, but I no longer want to live with this anxiety or in painful relationships, so I need to either find ways to get around the feelings and accept that they are who they are and this is how it will always be or cut them out and move on.

Tomorrow is the end of the year! And a new fresh start is right around the corner!

Maybe this is where I should start!

30 Things to Stop Doing To Yourself.....

I read this the other night and I decided I really need to focus on some of these...............


Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on.  No, it won’t be easy.  There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them.  We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems.  That’s not how we’re made.  In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall.  Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time.  This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself.  Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.  Yes, help others; but help yourself too.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive.  But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either.  You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.  Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place.  Evaluate situations and take decisive action.  You cannot change what you refuse to confront.  Making progress involves risk.  Period!  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises.  Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet.  Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you.  But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you.  Concentrate on beating your own records every day.  Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own.  Ask yourself this:  “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you.  You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough.  But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past.  You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation.  So smile!  Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart.  You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too.  If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway.  Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it.  If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.  Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile.  Don’t take the easy way out.  Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out.  But making one person smile CAN change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.  So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy.  One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time?  Three years?  Five years?”  If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen.  Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story.  If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life.  Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs.  Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

50 Questions to Free Your Mind

These questions have no right or wrong answers.
Because sometimes asking the right questions is the answer.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
22. Why are you, you?
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
25. What are you most grateful for?
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
32. If not now, then when?
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

Indoor Field Hockey!

I just signed up for indoor field hockey! Yay!!!!!! So that will be my Sundays in January and Febuary! Well, really only 5 Sundays. They take a Sunday off for the Super Bowl. Yuck! Who needs football when you have HOCKEY! (I say this because there is a special someone who reads my blog who is probably laughing or shaking her head right now :-P )

Me

I am who I am, nothing more and nothing less.

I get excited by the little things. When I am really excited I clap my hands like a little kid. Sometimes the smallest things can really amuse me and make me happy!

I am emotional. I cry when I am happy, when I am sad, when I am scared, and when I am mad. My heart breaks for other people. My feelings are like potato chips, easily crushed. Words DO HURT! Sometimes they hurt more then physical actions.

I don't forget anything, I will drop it and never mention it again, but I never forget. I hold grudges, even if people don't know it. That's a bad quality, but I can't help it.

I get jealous from time to time, but I try never to show it. I am happy for the stuff people have and have earned. So I try my hardest not to let anyone know and hurt anyone's happiness.

I care about people way more then I should sometimes. I hold on to everyone it seems, even if they should be let go! I care about everyone's opinion, this has really effected me in my life. People are just mean and it's hard to rise above that.

I love to sing as loud as I can with the radio blasting. I feel like I sing and dance best in the car. I love when Hailey joins in.

I love cars and trucks, I know alot about them too. But I don't let it consume my life or drain my bank account. I have a lift kick on the way for the Jeep, but only after I have saved and budgeted for it. I won't be late on any bills or have to borrow money from anyone. It's okay when you do little things, but not when your priorities aren't set right.

I believe there is good in everyone. I believe in helping people out because not everyone is as lucky as me. I may not have a perfect life, but I have a roof over my head to keep me warm and dry, a job to pay the bills, and a healthy happy little girl. There is nothing more in my life that I NEED then that. I think everyone has a story to be told, you shouldn't judge someone because you never know what they are going through or have gone through.

I am a planner. I plan everything. I plan my life out, so I don't know how to handle change. It's not part of my plan. I guess it's part of the overall big plan in life, but it's not part of MY plan! I plan my money, I plan my career, I plan my schooling. I just feel a need to plan everything.

Overall I think I am a good person. I am not perfect by any means, I have major flaws, but overall I think I am a fun loving, good person. I want to make people smile and have a good time. Right now I feel like I am stuck in the crossroads. I don't know which way I should go. I don't know what I need to let go of. I think deep down I know all the answers, but I just don't want to believe them. I think these decisions are holding me back. They are keeping me from being me. When someone doesn't appreciate the person you are, you start to lose sight of who you really are. What am I to do? I need to get through the holidays and really take time to do some real soul searching.

All I know is I am not happy. I am sad, and I don't want to be sad.........

21 Suggestions for Success

So I have been thinking more and more about these 21 Suggestions for Success.



I really want to work at this......

1. This is something I really need to think about. It is something that I am struggling with and really need some time to think on. So I am in progress of working on this one right now and really doing some soul searching.

2. Work at something you enjoy- I enjoy my job so I guess it can go deeper then this. I really need to play around with hobbies. Ones that I might like and will make me happy. I was watching someone crocet (sp) the other day and thought that that would be something relaxing and fun to do. I wouldn't want to sell them or anything, but maybe make a blanket for Hailey or someone. If I am good at it, then maybe I could make blankets and donate them. I know there is a group called "Project Linus" and they make blankets for premies. So I need to find something that I am good at and would enjoy doing, and keep the idea of making money out of it, do something for the good of other people. It never hurts to explore options!

3. This is one that I would like to try to work on. I believe I do alot for people and go out of my way for people. I like to make people happy. One thing that I feel I need to work on is my expectations of what I will get in return. Maybe I shouldn't expect people to be happy or say thank you. I shouldn't expect anything from anyone. I should do something for people and know that I did something good and thats all that matters.

4. I can definately be Debbie Downer at times. I need to focus on making sure my glass is always half full. I am a pretty optomistic person most of the time, but sometimes I get stuck on the little things. I need to accept things as they are and make the best out of every situation. My therapist said that I always ask "Why?" "Why did this happen?" "Why would they do that?", instead of asking why, I need to work on understanding that it is what it is. Make the best of it and move on. LET THE LITTLE THINGS GO!

5. I am a forgiver. I always forgive people, but I don't forget. I also tend to hold grudges and bring up things in the past that I haven't forgotten. I need to work on forgiving and letting it go. If I forgive then it should end it, close the door on that situation. I have alot of resentment for a few people. I need to forgive them and just know they are what they are. Holding all the anger and sadness in, just is hurting me so much worse in the long run. Forgivvvvve!

6. Be Generous- This is one I am working on. I have donated to a lot of causes in the past year. Also I plan on doing small payroll deductions for two organizations. I have a total of 26 paychecks a year. If $10 comes out each paycheck then that would be $260 given to an organization. I think I am going to do Ronald McDonald House Charities. This is an organization that my Aunt has used while my cousin was in the hospital a few hours from their house. They put her in a room for free and made sure she had everything she needed. When you have a child with an illness, the last thing you should be worrying about is where you are going to stay and how are you going to afford it. Thank God that I have not had to ever deal with this situation, but I know many people who have. So instead of stressing over giving a lump sum donation, I will just do it out of my paycheck and I will be able to give so much more!

7. I need to be more grateful of the things I have. I am lucky for so much. I should be grateful that I have a house that keeps me warm and dry, instead of wishing it was bigger. I should be grateful that I have a job, instead of complaining that I don't want to go to work in the morning. I should be grateful that I have a loving family, instead of focusing on the past and the little stuff. I should be grateful I have money and can pay my bills, instead of complaining about money and bills. I should be grateful that my daughter is healthy and alive, instead of complaining about the messes she makes or how I want time alone. I should be grateful that I have the friends I have, instead of getting stuck on little things that may irriate me. I should be grateful that I wake up every morning, instead of wishing I could stay in bed all day. I should be grateful that I have a vehicle, instead of complaining about gas. There are so many things that I have to be grateful for that I constantly overlook. Maybe this is where being a more positive person comes into place.

8. Persistance.....don't ever give up, keep going, make time for it, This could be used for the weight watchers and gym deal. Have persistance. Keep going. I have come so far, but lately I have hit a slump where I don't go to the gym and my eating habits are out of wack. I need to get back on track, keep going! And don't give up. No more "I'll start tomorrow" because with that attitude tomorrow may never come.

9. I just finished looking at my money and how I spend it. Last month I spent $411 on eating out! That's crazy! I need to really get back to packing lunches. Not only will this save money, but will also keep me on track for eating healthy! One thing I started doing was making coffee in the office! It saves me $2.12 a day by doing it that way!

10. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated....... This is a good one. I feel that I am usually friendly, but I judge people when I first meet them. So maybe instead of judging them, I need to always go into a situation with an open mind.

11. Commit yourself to constant improvement....... I think by really focusing on these things and changing my outlook on life will help me improve the person I want to be. By getting back on track with weight watchers and working out I am comitting myself to make a happier and healthier life for myself.

I will have to work on the last 10 later! So stay tuned!

As the Days Fly By!

So I figured I would post something really quick to sort out my thoughts and figure out what needs to be done in the next week......

This past weekend I did a home vendor show on Saturday and then I did a fill in vendor show on Sunday. So I need to get that money into the bank and place the order that I got on Saturday. My plan was to have a lazy Sunday and work on my paper, clean, start decorating for Christmas, and just do things I wanted to do. But a vendor fair is always a good opportunity to sell my inventory and to potentially get some new customers. So now I need to fit those things in today!

So tonight: I need to go to CSM in Prince Frederick and pick up my cap and gown. Then I am hoping to get home and start cleaning. The trash needs to go out, so I need to round all that up. Also it would be nice to do the dishes, I am running out of paper plates and plastic spoons! I need to do dishes ASAP! So trash duty, dishes, and the final load of laundry are all in the works for tonight! Not to mention my discussion board post due at midnight. Also I need to send money for Hailey to school. She has a Santa workshop this week, where the students can go buy gifts for their parents. How exciting!

Tuesday: Pick Hailey up, take her to school for the book fair and then the health expo night. Continue cleaning!!!!!

Wednesday: I need to telework so that I can get Hailey off the bus. I hope to finish work at 3:30 and then head to Waldorf. I need to get my nails filled (I found a place that does them super cheap and I haven't had them done since mid October! $20 for 2 months! I say Hell Yeah!), then I need to go to the mall and make some exchanges. I need to take some stuff back to Kohls, then I need to take something back to Sephora, and then I need to take back a pair of boots to JC Penny. I also need to pick up my glasses that are getting new lenses in them. Then I hope to be hope soon enough that I can mayybe start putting up the tree or atleast making room for it?

Thursday- Dance night with Hailey.

Friday- I need to meet the girl with a Scentsy party open and get her orders and close her party out.

Saturday- I was invited to go to the Holly Jolly musical in Calvert in the evening, but I have not heard anymore about that! I need to check on that. Also Saturday is when my big project is due for my English class.

So in between all that stuff I need to find time to do my project for English and begin preparing for my English exam on Monday. I have a lot to do a head of me, but I guess if I take it one step at a time then I will get it all done. I am actually considering getting rid of my facebook site for this week, so that I can take the time to really work on everything I need to get done. Ahhhhhh. It will be okay though!!!! Now my quick break is over and its coffee time and time to get back to work!

Stop Procrasinating, Procrasinator!

Ahhhhh I do this to myself every time! I am always rushing around last minute sloping together my papers because I wait until the last minute. I had a huge paper due last night at 12am and I submited it at 11:59:50. Woah! Talk about cutting it close! So we shall see how I do on that paper. Hopefully not to bad, but I will admit, it did get sloppy halfway through.

Another problem is that I will be typing and something will pop into my brain and I will have to do it then and there or I can't concentrate! Like paint my toe nails! Had to be done right then and there in the middle of page 4 of my paper. Then I thought it was a good idea to post on Facebook about how I was procrasinating. Then I had to comment and make a couple other posts. Then I got some ice cream for Hailey and I. I got her in bed, started a load of laundry, and then took a shower. All that had to be done at 9pm in the middle of page 4. Ahhhhhhhh! Luckily I always get it done. I have always gotten it done atleast!

I have a major research paper due in on the 10th and I am not allowing myself to procrasinate on that one. I am already struggling in the class and if I don't graduate because I waited until the last minute to slop something together then I will never forgive myself. I have worked so hard in college all these years, and dammit! I plan on graduating this winter! So I only have a handful of assignments left and 3 weeks! Then I will be done with CSM (I better be!) and will be graduating in January.

Next on my list of things to do.......sign up for 5 or 6 classes at UMUC for the Spring! It never ends! :)

Suggestions for Success!

I want this to be the new me! I want to live by this! <3