30 Things (6)

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

The hardest thing I have ever experienced was losing a loved one. Unfortunately, I have lost two that I was really closed to and love very much.

Kevin was like a brother to me. He used to work with me and we were really close. He even told me that he adopted me as a little sister. Kenny and I would have date night with him and his wife. He was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He used to race motocross professionally and he knew all the riders that I had googly eyes for. I used to think that was so neat. He traveled all around racing. He retired when his son was born. He had this funny sarcastic humor and you never knew what would come out of his mouth. I remember always being afraid of disappointing him when I made any decision. He had a disapproving look that would make me cringe when I would mess up what I was doing. I never wanted to make him upset or disappointed with me. I just had that much respect for him. He was married to an amazing woman named Stacy! They were the perfect couple and their personalities worked so well with one another. They were truly in love and more then anything Kevin loved his little boy!

Unfortunately on the morning of February 8, 2006 he was killed in a car accident on his way to work. After dropping his son off at the baby sitters, for some unknown reason he crossed the center line and was hit head on by a tractor trailer truck. He was killed instantly.

I had just gotten to work when we got a phone call on our work line. Kevin had been driving a Scion xB that was owned by the company and had their lettering on it. The person told the girl who answered the phone that one of our vehicles had been in an accident and that the he thinks the guy is dead or badly hurt and that he could see a car seat in the back and he wasn't sure if he had a baby with him too. He was really short and pretty nasty. The girl was speechless and handed the phone over to someone else. The other guy was only able to get the location out from him and then the caller hung up. The bosses weren't there so it was just the three of us employees standing there in disbelief. Immediately I went into panic mode especially thinking that Brett could be hurt too. I immediately took out my phone and called Stacy and told her to call the sitters and see if Brett was there. She questioned me and I said I would have to explain after she called. She called me right back and said that Kevin had dropped him off. Then I lost it and started crying and someone took my phone and told her that there had been an accident and we didn't know any details. While I was on the phone with her, someone else began calling fire departments to find what hospital he would be taken too. We called our bosses who were going to be in late that morning what had happened and what we knew. Me and another co-worker went running to her vehicle to go to the scene of the accident. Stacy left work and agreed to pull over so that we could pick her up. We didn't want her driving herself, not knowing if he was okay or where we were going. So we picked her up and headed to the scene. They had the road blocked off way before the accident to keep cars coming that way and we immediately jumped out and took off running. The police grabbed us and Stacy freaked out and said she needed to know if it was her husband in the accident and if he was okay. The office kept trying to calm us down, but knowing it wasn't working and we weren't going to back off, he told us that the only thing he could say was that the person who had been in that car wasn't alive. Stacy fell to the ground and lost it. Her parents pulled up about that time and came running over. I couldn't breath. I was in shock and in disbelief. I went and sat in the grass and just cried hysterically, like I had never cried before. I couldn't believe that someone I loved so much was gone. Someone who loved his life, his wife, his son, his family, and friends more than anything was gone. My heart hurt like I had never felt ever in my life. I refused to leave until the end, which due to the accident investigation and waiting to for the cornier to arrive from Baltimore wasn't until an hour or more later. Stacy wasn't budging and I wasn't leaving her side.

The days after, I didn't eat or sleep. I hardly talked to anyone. I was just in a daze. I had never lost anyone who I was this close to in my life. Plus it broke my heart thinking about Stacy and their son. Another thing I found out was that he had a card with him in his car that he was bringing me. I had been out for a while with a shoulder injury so it was a cheer up card from Kevin and Stacy. When my boss went to go get things out of the car, I begged him to find it for me. They were able to find it under the rubble. It was crushed and covered in oil and fluids from the engine. I didn't care because I wanted it still. Our job stayed closed while people sent flowers and gift. Because he was a big name motocross rider and local hero, news spread fast. It was all over the internet and it was all in the papers. Pictures of the accident scene was front page and a picture of Kevin holding his son were all over the place. My bosses knew how hard we were all taking it (we worked in a close knit family owned sign shop) so they even had a grief counselor come talk with us. I spent most my time at Stacy's with her and Brett while details started coming together about the arrangements. The day of the viewing it ended up snowing. I couldn't get my car out so I had to walk down the road and wait for Kenny to pick me up since the roads weren't clear either. I was allowed to go to the early viewing since I was considered family. I wrote a letter to Kevin that Stacy put in his coffin with him. The viewing was extremely hard and the funeral was postponed due to the snow.

I was only 18 and it was the first person that close to me that I had ever lost.
They say that time heals wounds, but it left a huge hole in my heart. I still think about Kevin all the time. I have a picture of him in my room and the card that was with him is still in it. The tattoo on my right sholder was done for him by one of our mutal friends. It is an Amy Brown fairy called "Forget-Me-Not". It has her sitting on ivy and has Forget Me Not flowers in the background. In her wings I have his retired motocross numbers 574. I still talk to Stacy now and then, but not as much as I would like. I have so many funny memories with him in it that I hold onto.

The second loss was two years ago, but it wasn't sudden like losing Kevin. It was very long and drawn out. To watch someone wither in front of your eyes is something I never wish on anyone. I have always been close to my Aunt and Uncle. In November 2007, my uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He immediately began chemo and radiation. In the beginning there wasn't much difference. He was just tired and got sick alot. Right before he was diagnosed, Hailey began going to their house daily while I was at work. My aunt had called dibs on watching her while I was still pregnant. She had watched my brother and I when we were little, so she was ready to start on the next generation of our family. It ended up working out as a blessing in disguise. My uncle referred to her as his "little sunshine". He loved her and loved playing with her. When she got a little older, he would disappear for a while and come back with new toys he thought that she needed. He loved playing tea party with her and bought her one for their house so she could play.  His battle was long and hard. He was in and out of the hospital a lot. He fought for over two years and finally could no longer fight anymore. He was put in Hospice care. He lost the battle on February 19th, 2010 at home. I was crushed. I knew how bad he was suffering and he had gone down hill quick. He was in constant pain that was unbareable and could not be controlled. By the end he was bed ridden and only slept. It was too exhausting to talk or even keep his eye open. Even though I saw all this, I refused to ever lose hope that he would recover and pull through. I didn't want to let go and I was scared for Hailey since she loved him so much. Every night I sat with my Aunt while she vented or cried through the whole battle. She didn't want to stop watching Hailey because I think it kept her mind off of things. We all miss and love Dave very much. I know it is selfish of me to hurt the way that I did and still do because he was finally free of all the pain. But I was so sad losing him and again it was another life that was ended way to soon.

When I talked about my fears, I named death as my number one fear. I am so afraid to die myself and to leave people behind and I am so afraid of losing more loved ones. Maybe it is because I don't understand it. I don't know why things like this happen to good people. I know that death is inevitable, but losing someone that you love is still one of the hardest things I have ever experienced.