I need to get back into blogging. Not only are there many memories I want to document and share, but I think it would also be good to just get my thoughts and feelings out. I spend countless times a week thinking about good blog topics, or things I would say when I blog, yet it still goes unwritten. In fact, I have pictures from September that still need to be uploaded and shared. I don't share my blog on my facebook or many places where I know it will be found and analyzed by my family. I would rather this be a "safe" place for me to vent without worrying about hurting someones feelings or being told that this isn't something I should share on the internet. This is my little place and I really need to start using it more.
The truth is I have been struggling. I am not sure if PPD has smacked me hard in the face again, or if it's a depression episode, but I don't like it. I don't like it at all! I spend most my day trying not to cry. No real reason, but I am just sad feeling. I decided that Zoloft wasn't working well for me so I asked to change over to the old anxiety/depression medicine that I used to be on before having Emily. Well that was a nightmare! I stuck with it for a month hoping things would change, but they didn't and Kenny told me I needed help. It was uncontrollable outbursts of tears. I was exhausted and it was hard to get out of bed. I was short tempered and although I love my girls more than anything, I was ready to leave and never look back. I kept telling myself that it was just the month of March and things would be better soon, but inside I felt even worse.
I made an appointment and asked to change my medication to something I have tried in the past. It's one I researched and has the least effect on weight and other side effects. It's a twice a day medicine and I haven't been on it for a week yet, but I hope it helps.
With cymbalta, I lost all motivation to do anything. I was doing so good with T25 and I was so proud of myself. With the meds my hunger was out of control and all I thought about was food. I quickly packed on the weight I lost, that paired with kicking my exercise program really did me in. I have felt horrible about myself and my clothes are back to being tight. I have nothing summer to wear for work or at home for that matter and every time I look at clothes online in my sizes I end up crying and closing the page. I seriously am so depressed about the way I look and feel.
My best friend told me that one day I would regret not being in more pictures when we go and do things with the kids and I have taken that in consideration and have been trying to get more pictures of me with the girls. Well let's just say that may be one reason why I don't want to upload pictures. Nothing worse when you think you look nice or even a tiny bit confident and see a picture of yourself that you hate. I honestly haven't ever felt this bad about myself then how I've felt in the last month. I feel like I have been avoiding more social things because of it. Like I cringe when there is a camera at a birthday party. It's bad enough people have to see me, but then to worry that there may be a picture of me in the background! Ahhhhhh! And I truly know that everyone had insecurities, but I honestly have some really beautiful friends. They are fashionable, they are pretty, they have nice bodies, have nice hair, and they have confidence that I lack. It def makes me even sadder when it comes to myself. I know beauty is more than what is on the outside, I truly do, but I see and feel a difference when I am with friends.
And my poor girls, I truly do love them and they are the bright side of my day, but boy do I really need a break at times. Emily is such a sweet baby, but she is fussy and very hard to please sometimes. And Hailey, she is such a good girl, but boy does that sassiness really get to me. I feel like my nerves are shot and my patience is very little these days. I get very overwhelmed easily. And I find that Kenny and I are having a lot of heated arguments because of it. I feel I don't have the support and the help I need from him when it comes to the girls and to doing things around the house. I feel like I am always on the back burner when it comes to the things he does and his friends. And I am also sure that my mood instability is making it much worse in my mind because this isn't anything new, but recently it has gotten so much harder to handle.
There will always be sun after the rain eventually and I know that things will begin to look up soon. I just need to hold my head up and keep on swimming. I really hope to find that balance. I NEED to feel normal again. I want to look at things on the bright side again instead of wandering around Target trying to hold back tears. I need some sun in my life and a weekend of a good night sleep, unbroken or being waken up! (Sounds to me like I just described a vacation! Ha!) I really hope things look up soon and that I start feeling better soon. I am ready to be me again and I am ready to start enjoying the things I once have. I am ready to get back into working out and feeling better about myself!