Monday, January 30, 2012

Adding a little excitement into the mix!

I have been down and out the past week dealing with depression and my medication not working anymore. So after going to the doctors and getting something new to start on, I decided this may also be a good time to find a craft or hobby to do. I went to A.C. Moore and came across this little display. It was a book called a "SMASHbook". It had different accesories that went with it and it got me really interested! So I decided to buy it! (With a coupon of course)!

So heres the deal with my smashbook...........

I am a girl who loves little things! I hold on to ticket stubs and cards and just little things that make me laugh. I clip out magazine articles and save pictures of things. I love quotes, but never know where to store them! This stuff all ends up around my house and makes its way into a drawer where it gets left and ignored or eventally thrown away. So this book just offers a place where I can "SMASH" all my little things into! The book has colorful pages and comes with a pen/glue stick that allows me to just glue them right in. So I started with some stuff from 2012! For example, I glued in my cards I got from graduation, the program and some of the things I got. I even picked up some scrapbooking stickers and cut outs to glue on some pages! I had a blast the other night putting it all together. I ended up using 4 pages. I have so many pictures on my phone and of my friends that I want to put in the book! Now I just need to print them out so I can smash even more special memories into it!

Such a simple idea! But it brought excitement and happiness to me! So worth the $10 I spent on the book and stuff for it! And Michael is having a 20% off SMASHbook brand sale this week!  I might be heading there for some extra cute little things to add!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Just Have To Share!

Yesterday I worked half day so I could meet with Hailey's teacher. I got to get her on the bus which I love doing. I love being able to watch her wave to me as she pulls off. Yesterday was a half day for her school which means her class stays until 1:40pm and gets out with the other grades. I picked her up since I had a 2:15 meeting with Mrs. Edwards. After I picked her up from school we ran and got a quick snack. On our way we had the sweetest conversation.

She told me that there was something special in her folder for me and she wanted me to look at it right away. I opened it up and there was two pieces of paper with squiggles on it. She was like "they are love notes because I just love and care about you soooo much. I tried to draw hearts to show you how much I love you." and then she goes on to say "Did you see how big I was smiling when I was on the bus?" and I responded with yes and she said "Do you know why?" and I responded with "Because you were excited to go to school" and she said "No, because I was just so happy that you were there waving to me!" She brought tears to my eyes! It melted my heart and made me feel so good. She is such a good and sweet little girl.

The meeting with the teacher went very well. We went through her portfolio and Mrs. Edwards said that she is pretty much exactly where she needs to be. We need to continue to work on her writing her name and helping her to identify alaphabet letters. The goal is to know all her letters, the sounds, and to identify what pictures of objects begin with. She also needs to be able to recognize the letters 1-10 and be able to count to 30. She is very close and her name is coming along. Mrs. Edwards said that she is so sweet and quiet. She gets along with all of the children and does everything that she needs to do. She always does everything on the first time she is asked and never questions or talks back. She said she has come very far from the begining of the year. Mrs. Edwards also said that the morning class is a rough bunch, she has a lot of behavior issues in the class and that Hailey is a "god send". She said that Mrs. Wanda, Hailey's bus driver, can not say enough good things about her. She absoluetly loves her.

I was glad to hear such positive feedback from her teacher. Hailey really pushes the limit when she is at home or at TeeTee's house. Her attitude and smart mouth get her in trouble at home, but I am pleased to see that she is polite and good in school. I am very proud of her! Tonight we get to go to Target and get a couple new squinkies since she has been doing so good. I'm glad she loves school and that she is learning so much! I hope she continues to do well!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Today is the day!

Today is the day! I finally graduate CSM! wahoo! It might not seem like a huge accomplishment to many people, but to me it is huge!

I have worked very hard the last few years. I had no interest to go to college when I graduated high school. I already had a job and was content. Then I started thinking and decided I wanted to be a dietitian! So I packed up all my stuff and moved to Baltimore so I could go to Baltimore City Community College and study dietics there! At the time, besides John Hopkins, that was the only other school in MD that was offering the program. So after a full semester there and working full time, I ended up pregnant! Not what I was expecting, but I decided to double up my Spring and Fall semester in the Spring, so I could take Fall off so I could have Hailey! Well that was grueling, but I made it! Except for a week before finals I wreaked my car! I was in the hospital and missed my finals. When I was told I could make them up in the summer session, I ended up having Hailey around that time, so I ended up failing 3 classes. That was enough to get me kicked out of the program and I never looked back.

After having Hailey I decided to go into Graphic Design. Whomp whomp, not to much stuff there that would allow me to work full time and still be a mother. So I switched to business. I got all the way to my last semester of business classes and realized that the only thing I had left was Calculus. And after a lot of stress, I decided to that I wasn't going to kill myself over a course that I wasn't interested in and a major that didn't interest me at all. So now I am one class away from a business degree!

So last Spring I decided to do what made me happy! I decided to switch to social sciences. CSM doesn't have a psychology program, but Social sciences usually goes hand and hand with psych. So I started clicking classes away! Now here I am today! I have a total of 77 college credits. I take on average 3-4 classes a semester and have a 2.75 average (high C). I know it could be better, but considering I work full time, have my daughter, and a hell of a commute, I am proud of myself.

So tonight I will graduate with my an Associates of Arts and Science in Social Sciences! 70 of my credits will transfer over to UMUC where I am already registered for Spring semester. I took one UMUC class last semester and have 3 scheduled currently for spring. I hope to add at least one or two more. I believe I have a total of 18 classes left, so hopefully in 2 or less years you will get to read a post from me saying that its my graduation day again! I am going to continue to push forward. The sky is the limit, and its completely in my hands of what I want to do with my life and who I want to be when I grow up! :)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Have you ever had that crushing feeling in your chest? Sort of like a ton of bricks sitting right there? It becomes harder to breathe, the air feels thicker, and you begin to breathe harder when you notice it. You feel uneasy and can't keep still. Your mind races a mile a minute and your hands and whole body begin to shake. You come down with an overwhelming feeling that completely takes over and you want to just burst into tears. Your heart begins to skip beats, and the only thing left to do is talk yourself off the ledge or let it overtake you with hysterics. This is what anxiety feels like to me. This is how I live my life most of the time and it scares the HELL out of me. I have been having more and more days like these in the past few months. My normal feeling is just the heaviness in the chest, short of breath, and the need to constantly move. The funny thing is that I bounce my leg probably 98% of  the time that I am sitting and I don't even notice! Normally someone yells at me before I notice on my own. Another thing I do is play with my rings, I move them all around in my hand. I don't even notice that either. I have been having panic attacks like I described a lot lately and I don't even realize what's bothering me most of the time when they hit me. So I decided maybe it was time to go see my cardiologist again.

I have gone to my cardiologist since I was 18. I started have palpitations where my heart was skipping beats every time I was upset or anxious. So since its heart related he always checks me out and I routinely go to him. In April and May 2010 I began having migraines non stop! Like 24/7 and nothing would help them. I went to my general doctor who found I had high blood pressure. She ran some labs and it came back that one of my hormone levels was off. This was caused by my high blood pressure. So she ran more tests and after a long MRI and more labs, it was found that I have Fibromuscular Stenosis (FMD) or simply narrowing of the arteries. You hear about clogged arteries happening to older people due to cholesterol, but mine is genetic. An artery is like a tube that takes blood all over your body. The arteries in my kidneys (renal arteries) have abnormalities in them. So take the empty tube and put a strand of beads in them (and that's exactly what it looks like in the scans, a strand of peral beads). So instead of my blood flowing throw it, it has to go in a wave pattern which takes more time. My body senses that there is a delay so it forces the blood to push harder and faster and creates that hormone (aldesterone) to help it push. This creates high blood pressure.

So after this was found I was sent to a specialist in Washington Hospital Center. I spent a whole day in the hospital having a rack of tests done. Then I spent weeks waiting for the results. It came back that my renal arteries were not as good as he would like them to be and that my carotid (arteries in your neck) were showing signs of FMD, but he was leaving those alone. So it was decided that he would do an angiogram (insertion of a camera in the arteries normally inserted around your groin area, right in the thigh) and look at it. He would then do angioplasty (which while he was in there would inflate a balloon and clear out the artery some) and possible a stint (which would be left in there to keep the arteries clear). To me this is a painful procedure. You are extremely sore and you have to watch your incision because if you tear it, you could bleed out. And after the procedure you have to lay flat on your back (which I can't do) for hours. Not fun stuff at all. So the doctor basically fed me with hope that he would go in and fix it and I would be back to normal. No more medication, no more extreme fatigue and no more headaches. Sounds great right? NOT!

He went in and decided that he was going to leave it alone at this time and maybe go back in a year or two and do it. This pissed me off to no end! This was supposed to fix me, but instead it was the same exact thing, but now my leg hurt for days and I had to use up leave for work. Awesome!

So the point of this whole long story is I went back to my doctor yesterday (not the specialist, but the cardiologist). My blood pressure has been all over the place even with two medications, I have been having headaches again, and I have been having black outs. A black out to me is hard to describe. First my heart starts racing, then everything goes black, then I lose hearing and everything is muffled. The first thing I get back is blurred vision, then I can see, and then my hearing comes back slowly distant then back atlast. It's at odd times too. Normally if I am really exerting myself or if I am in pain or really upset, probably at times where my blood pressure spikes too high.

So the doctor reviewed everything and said he thinks its time to scan me again. The blood pressure fluctuations could be caused by my renal arteries getting worse. And the head aches and blackouts could be caused from my carotid getting worse. I'm not going to get myself worked up about it, but it does kinda stink. It's bad that I hope it is something that they can fix so I can get rid of these damn headaches. Also maybe it will make my body relax more so maybe some anxiety would just go away, because I am already on two anxiety medications. Who knows.

So Monday bright and early I have a Renal Doppler, a Carotid Doppler, a Doppler on my heart again, and then a 24 hour heart monitor. So hopefully we will have some answers soon! Atleast this is another step in the right direction of taking care of myself. I'm going to think positive and just roll with the punches!

Double Standards

A double standard is the application of different sets of principles for similar situations, or to different people in the same situation. A double standard may take the form of an instance in which certain concepts (often, for example, a word, phrase, social norm, or rule) are perceived as acceptable to be applied by one group of people, but are considered unacceptable when applied by another group.

One thing I hate is when people have double standards! When they look down on you for something, yet they are doing it themselves or turn around and do it after telling you that you shouldn't. Everyone who knows me knows that I pay close attention to double standards and get irritated very easily when people do that to me. It's one of those things "practice what you preach".

But this time I have caught myself being the person with a double standard........

Something came up yesterday, that very much bothered me. In fact it broke my heart! But the funny thing is I shouldn't expect that much from this person because I am doing the same thing (well sorta). The situation is complicated, but I still got my potato chip feelings crunched. So I am not mad at this person, I am more mad at myself, for thinking that things should be different and for getting so crushed over this. I wish I could turn my emotions off when it comes to issues like this, but I can't. I wish I could read minds to know what people are thinking, but I can't. The only thing I can do is decide how I want it to effect me and what route I should go to not let these feelings overwhelm me again.

My solution last night (while tears were streaming down my cheeks) was to turn the music up LOUD and DANCE. Hailey quickly joined in and we danced our hearts out together right in the middle of the living room. Then I started cleaning and dancing. I felt so much better by the end of the night. The feelings are still there and hurt, but it allowed me to keep my mind off of it, even it was just for a bit. A step in the right direction? I think so!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

And here we are, 2012!!!!!

Every year I make resolutions about things I want to change about myself or what I need to do better, but this year is different. I owe this change to my horoscope believe it or not. Let me tell you a little about this horoscope deal! I have never believed in this stuff, but I have an app on my cell phone that has made me a believer. It almost is always accurate with things that are going on in my life. You probably are doubting me, but hey trust me on this! So after my post on Friday, I read my horoscope and here is what it said.....

Taurus- Dec. 30, 2011

You have just one day left Taurus, to figure out who you want to be in 2012. Have you started making your resolutions yet/, and planning the modifications that will create a whole new you? Hopefully not. You are already pretty darn wonderful the way you are. Don't get caught up in finding fault with yourself, even though this time of year tends to bring out that in some people. Yes, its time to reflect on what went well and what needs some revision. But the only thing you need to change is to bolster your own self confidence, and realize that you are perfect enough to find great success in the coming year.

I thought that was an awesome horoscope and made me really think! So this year is about me, but not so much changing who I am, but changing the way I see myself and feel about myself. I need to find ways to make myself happy and not let everyone else decide my happiness for me.

So here are my steps in the right directions.....

1. I want to work on making a healthier me! In 2011 I lost a total of 39.4lbs doing weight watchers. It wasn't easy and the last couple months of the year were the hardest and I fell off the band wagon, but I never gave up. So I am picking myself back up and keeping on track! I would love to lose another almost 40lbs in 2012! Losing weight not only makes me healthier, but makes me feel better about myself. I am so hard on myself and my body, so I need to learn to love it. Focus on the things that is special about me, and make the changes that I want to see. Being thin will not make my life better, but being a healthy weight where I feel confident and pretty, would make a world of difference. I don't feel as though I am pretty. I feel ugly and I think it is hard to get past my weight issues. I want to be able to feel confident and not worry what people are thinking about me! So I want to eat healthy and start back up with my exercising routine. It will not only make me look better, but feel better all together. I will have more energy and motivation to keep going!

2. I want to do more things for me. Worry less about what other people want me to do. Take time out to read more, to enjoy a bath, to relax once and a while. I want time to myself, which includes my mind. I want to think about nothing. I don't want to be having anxiety about other people while I am trying to have me time! I need to learn to relax more. And just let myself breathe!

3. I want to get organized. I want my whole life to be organized. Functioning in chaos helps none of my situations. I want to work smarter, not harder. I don't want to be waiting until the end of deadlines or due dates. I want to stay on top of things. I want to clean my room! That is one thing I NEED to do this year. I want to be able to walk in my room and smile, not think to myself about ways to clean it and to organize it or all the stuff I haven't done.

So see..... this year is about me! Finding myself! Relaxing! Worrying less and enjoying more! Getting healthy and feeling good about myself!

I don't want to change anything about me, I think I am a good person with a big heart! I get walked on, taken advantage of, kicked around, and hurt. But what matters at the end of the day is I did what I know is right. Instead of asking "why" or worrying about how people perceive me, I want to know that I did all I could and I did what I knew was right. And that is how I will sleep at night. In the end nothing else matters!

My life is in pieces. People have taken pieces from me, broken pieces, and changed pieces. I may never be whole again, but I will work my hardest to put myself back together. I don't want to be hanging by a thread anymore. I don't want to be gluing myself back together all the time. I want to repair myself the best way I can and accept myself for the way I am. There should never be regrets, only lessons learned.

I hope to keep you posted on my  progress and the great things to come in 2012!