Wednesday, March 26, 2014

So What Wednesday!

Today I am linking up with the lovely Shannon over at L.A.I.D for another edition of
So What Wednesday!
Today I am saying "So What If" to:
- Shannon is skipping this this week so I am not really "linking up". I haven't "So What"ed in a while, so I am just going to do it on my own!
- I want to kick people out of my Division Director's office. Her office is right across from my cube so I hear a lot of what goes on and man are some of these people whiny! I just want to yell "you've been here 5 times already and it's not even 9am. Go away you are annoying!" And just think these people aren't even here to see me!
- I had my dishes pretty well maintained. I did a load last night and had one more load to do and then the crock pot would be clean and both sinks would be empty. That was before I decided to clean out the fridge and now there is like 15 containers that are piled up ready to be washed!
- My clothes are still just floating around in the washing machine. I am just pretending they are going to be extra clean now with this deep soak! I really hope Kenny can fix the washing machine and it is just as simple as a clogged hose. What if they are locked in there forever?! I'm just lucky I had such big loads because I usually do my clothes all in one load. I would have been screwed today if that was the case!
- My FOS is out of the office today and as much as I love the lady, I love making her office into my nap room at lunch time even more! She has these amazing old antique chairs that I swear are magical because I can instantly fall asleep in them. Not to mention her office has no windows and is pitch black. I lock the door, turn the lights out, and set my alarm!
- I'm dreading my baby shower, not because of any drama, but now because of the lack of progress on my house and getting everything done. I know it is better this way because it will push me to have it all ready by May and in time for Emily, but at this point I just look around and think "what was I thinking!"
- Before I get my paycheck every other Friday, I know exactly which bills need to be paid and how much money I will have left for gas and groceries. This go around I have like no extra for anything else, in fact I am worried about a birthday party and a bachelorette dinner both in April that will be covered by this paycheck. Who decided it would be fun to be an adult? And why is everything so expensive?! And why am I stressing about a paycheck being gone days before it I actually get paid?
- I have a growing wish list of things I would love to have. I have a birthday coming up and mother's day, not to mention anniversary and Christmas in December. I can be set with ideas for the next five years!
- I am overly impressed with my closet! I mean compared to what it was, it is a HUGE transformation. I can't help but smile as I look in and see everything neatly organized and all my clothes hanging! It's my one clean spot in the house so far! Even the bathroom needs a cleaning, so if you need me, I will just be locking myself in my closet now and appreciating the clean!
So that's what I am saying "So What" to today! How about you?!


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

10 Things on Tuesday!

Wahoo! Finally it's Tuesday and one day closer to the weekend!

1. It's 9:30 and I really should be getting ready for bed, but instead I'm blogging and smelling scentsy to see which ones smell good. 4:30am is not going to be my friend!

2.  Ordered new phones (sorry it's not an iPhone, we decided on the Samsung galaxy) which was buy one get one free plus they were on sale AND an instant $50 rebate! And wait there is more!!! We get $200 bill credit for activating our phones! And we were suppose to have free overnight shipping, but after talking to a rep online and then phone calls with Verizon customer service, the phones will be delivered tomorrow after only getting two day shipping, only problem is that there will be no one to sign for them! So I guess they will be here Thursday when Kenny will be home to sign for them. Oh well, good things come to those who wait and I scored a extra $25 off for all the trouble! So they pretty much paid us two new phones and a month free service for upgrading and having issues!

3. Washing machine isn't working right and my clothes are stuck in there with a bunch of water and the latch is locked. Kenny is suppose to look into it tomorrow and hopefully fix it. Fingers crossed! I've been researching it and it sounds like coin trap or hose is clogged.

4. The above load of laundry was suppose to be finished Sunday night, but when I went to get it out tonight, apparently a ball of clothes bounced against the door which opened it and not allowing it to finish drying. So they were all wet and needed washing again!

5. I had my first Scentsy party for the year Sunday. I love them and I love watching everyone smell all the scents! People have such different taste! I wish I could have them all the time, but I've not figured that one out. I need to find new people to host! I really do love the product and enjoy it as a hobby!

6. I'm blown away how far Hailey has come with reading. She sat and read to me last night and barely needed any help and it was a book we've never read. She's doing amazing!

7. It snowed today but stuck to everything but the roads and sidewalks. We got about 3" but then it melted some with rain, but picked back up to accumulating as the night has gone on. I decided to request to telework in advance since I never know what schools will decide to do, but it ended up being a full day.

8. I need to request to telework again Friday and next Tuesday. I'm not sure if I'll be approved, but I have OB appointment and glucose test round 2 on Friday and baby bean growth scan with high risk specialist on Tuesday. So it's either try to telework around appointments or burn up my leave.

9. I have had the worse panic and anxiety lately. Like to the point I can't function and am always shaking. I know I'm overwhelmed and have a lot to do and on my mind, but this is not helping. I had my Zoloft bumped up last month and feel less sad and depressed, but worse with anxiety. A couple people on my Mommy boards told me to look into it more because some people have adverse effects with anxiety on Zoloft.

10. I guess I should go to bed. On the bright side I have a new episode of Teen Mom to watch tomorrow and I packed a lunch to look forward too! Wahoo! Bring on Wednesday! (Okay, not really but I figured maybe the enthusiasm would help!)

Monday, March 24, 2014


Because sometimes we just need to take a deep breath, forget everything that is bothering us and look at something that makes us smile or laugh! Laughter is the best remedy right?
I mean how can you not smile at this? I just love this one!

PS: Something went wrong with the image from earlier. Hopefully this one will work!

Saturday, March 22, 2014

A Letter from a Working Mother to a Stay-At-Home Mother, and vice versa

I have always been a working Mom and this is something I have learned to come to terms with as Hailey has gotten older. It didn't get easier, but I knew I had to do what I needed to do. With the new baby well on her way in just 12 short weeks or less, I am struggling with the thought that the time I will have home with both of my girls will be very limited and over before I know it. I can't get pass the thought of leaving not one, but two of my babies while I commute over 65 miles away from them each day. It's something that the even the slightest thought of gives me a lump in my throat and brings tears to me eyes.

I found this article and just had to share. I know that most of us Momma's fit in either one of these boats, the stay-at-home Moms and the Working Moms. You can read the orginal copy here.

A Letter from a Working Mother to a Stay-At-Home Mother, and vice versa

Dear Stay-At-Home Mum
Some people have been questioning what you do at home all day. I know what you do. I know because I’m a mum and for a while I did it too.

I know you do unpaid work, often thankless work, which starts the moment you wake up, and doesn’t even end when you go to sleep. I know you work weekends and nights, with no discernible end to your day or working week. I know the rewards are joyous but few.
I know that you seldom have a hot cup of coffee or tea. I know that your attention is always divided, often diverted from a moment to moment basis, and you cannot ever count on completing a task in the one go. I know that you probably don’t get any down time when you’re on your own at home, unless you have a single child who still naps in the daytime.

I know the challenges you deal with daily, usually with no peer support or backup. The toddler tantrums, the toilet training accidents, the food battles, the food on the floor, the crayons on the wall, the sibling rivalry, the baby that never seems to stop crying. I know how the work seems incessant, like an endless cycle – you shop for food, prepare it, cook it, attempt to feed it to your children, clean it off the floor, wash the dishes, and repeat in three hours.

I know you fantasise about having an hour to yourself to eat your lunch in peace, or about having an afternoon nap. I know you sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it, and feel envious of your friends who are having coffee breaks at work. I know that sometimes when your partner gets home in the evening after his work is done, he wants to put his feet up exactly when you need a break the most, and this can bring you to tears. 
I know that you are misunderstood by so many who do not appreciate the difficulties of caring for small children on your own, all day, and refer to you as joining the “latte set”. They imagine you spend your day sipping coffee while your children play quietly. I know you miss your financial independence. I know you feel amused and sometimes annoyed when others proclaim “TGIF!” because to you every day is the same – there is no Friday, no break from your job. I know that many people do not understand that you work – you simply work an unpaid job at home.
SAHM, I don’t know how you do it. I admire your infinite patience, your ability to face each day cheerfully and bring joy into your children’s lives even when they wear you down. I admire your dedication to being a constant presence in your children’s lives even if it isn’t always easy. I admire the way you work without expecting any reward – no promotions, no fame, no salary. I know you want your children to feel important and loved, and SAHM, you do this the best.

I just wanted you to know that I understand. We’re both mothers. And I know.

Love from the trenches
Working Mum

Dear Working Mum
I know you sometimes get judged by others for leaving your children in the care of others to work. Some people imply that you don’t love your children as much as us SAHMs do, and that it’s best for children to be at home with their mothers.

How can they say this about you? I know you love your children just as much as any other mother. I know that going back to work was no easy decision. You weighed up the pros and cons, long before you conceived a baby. It has always been one of the most important decisions of your life. You thought about this even while you were in high school and were choosing subjects for Grade 11.
I see you everywhere. You are the doctor I take my children to when they are sick. You’re my child’s allergist, the one who diagnosed her peanut allergy. You’re the physiotherapist who treated my husband’s back. You’re the accountant who does our tax returns. My son’s primary school teacher. The director of our childcare centre. My daughter’s gymnastics teacher. The real estate agent who sold our house. What sort of world would it be if you hadn’t been there for us? If you had succumbed to the pressures of those who insisted a mother’s place had to be in the home?
I know you weigh up every job to see if it will suit your family. I know you wake up an hour before everyone else does, just so you can get some exercise done or some quiet time. I know that you have attended meetings after being up all night with your toddler. I know that when you come home in the evening, your “second shift” begins. The nay-sayers don’t understand that you run a household AND hold a job. You come home, cook dinner, bath your children and read them stories. You tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. You pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, the laundry, the dishes, just like every other mother does.

I know that you often feel guilty about having any more time away from your children so you sacrifice your leisure time. I know you can’t bring yourself to take a “day off” for yourself when your children are at daycare. I know you accept that work is your “time off” for now. I know that when you are at work you don’t waste a single minute. I know you eat your lunch at your desk, you don’t go out for coffee, and you show complete dedication and concentration to your job. You chose to be there after all. You want to be there.
I know how discerning you are about who is looking after your children, and that many long daycare centres offer excellent care. I know you only leave your children in a place where you confident they are loved and well looked after. I know that you spend many days caring for your children at home when they are sick, and sacrifice your pay. I know that you secretly enjoy these days, and revel in being able to be with your children.
I know that sometimes you feel guilty about not being there all the time. But WM, I know this. You are setting a wonderful example to your children. You are showing them that a woman can have a career, contribute in some way outside the home, and still be a loving mother. You are showing your daughters that they can do anything they want to do in life. You are displaying strength, endurance, dedication, tenacity, and you do it with so much joy and love.

I just wanted you to know I understand. Because we’re both mothers.

Love from the trenches

Stay-At-Home Mum

Friday, March 21, 2014

Oh Baby!

I don't think it has fully hit me that I am almost 28 weeks pregnant and in just 12 weeks or less, I will have a brand new baby! It will beginning of a brand new chapter in my little family's lives and as excited I am, I am absolutely just as terrified.

The thought of a new baby is hard for me. This is something I wanted and dreamed about and knew I wanted. We tried for this little baby and waited for the most perfect time to do so. I felt I would be more ready once school was finished, we had a bigger house, and we had settled into our new life in a new house. When I was pregnant with Hailey, I felt more calmer. I couldn't wait for her to come. I pictured my life with her and wondered what she would look like and think of all the things we would do. I loved looking at her little clothes and couldn't believe looking at the difference of newborn clothing and 12month clothing in size. Is it possible they could grow so quickly?!

This time around there are new obstacles and new things to think about that weren't there with Hailey when she was born. Now I see a piece of new born clothing and think "oh my god, are they really that little?!". I feel like I am completely starting over in life. What if I have forgotten everything?! Hailey is so independent and though she still requires a good amount of attention, she loves to play by herself and spend time in her room alone or outside. I can freely do what I want most the time and she will come in and out with a question or a comment, but really doesn't require much. Thinking of a newborn who will be completely dependent on me for it's every need is terrifying! No more days where I can't get out of bed and just lounge around taking naps. I will be forced out of bed at all times of the night and day to take care of a little baby and figure out what she needs. We are constantly telling Hailey to use her words when she is upset. That's not going to fly with a newborn!

And then I think about how different this will be this time around. Kenny now works nights and after Sunday at noon, I don't see him anymore until I come home from work on Thursday night. I am not so much worried about the time when I bring little Miss Emmie home, but what about when I go back to work. He doesn't get home until 1:30am and I am up at 4:30am for work, so what am I going to do all those nights where I am up all night long and switching "shifts" in time to pretty much go to work? I have brought this up with Kenny and his response was "well I need my sleep after working a 10 hour day and I have to be up at 7:30 with Hailey". Ummmm I understand his concerns, but I am also gone 14 hours out of the day between work and commuting and what about my sleep? He can nap after getting Hailey on the bus, but I can't nap at my desk. He never got up with Hailey as a baby and this is something we are going to struggle with. I think we are going to have a tough time figuring our new life out with a new baby and both of our schedules. And it's hard to think about juggling two on my own. We pretty much will be single parents for most of the week. He will be Mr. Mom in the morning dealing with a baby and getting Hailey ready for school and I will be Super Mom all evening long trying to get dinner, baths, and everything ready for the next day for all of us.

I try not to think about this kind of stuff much because it's completely overwhelming, but I know how hard its going to be. I try to remind myself that no matter how hard it is, things will get easier and that tough times don't last. I reminded myself of that all the nights I was up with Hailey and those days where she would be awake ALL NIGHT LONG. And that did pass! And we did survive! Money is going to be tight, emotions are going to run high, my house work will be neglected, but it will all be temporary. I try to stop myself from thinking of all the craziness and think about all the moments I can't wait to see! I can't wait for Hailey to meet her baby sister. I can't wait to see them grow up together and see the things they do. Hailey talks to me all the time about everything she will teach Emily and all the things they will do as she gets older. When the uncertainty of a newborn is looming over me, I try to think of these moments and try to remember the smile on Hailey's face and brightness as her eyes as she tells me how much she can't wait to be a big sister! Those are the moments I need to think about and look forward to in 12 weeks!

So as terrified as I am, I have faith that it will all work out and will get easier as we learn together. It has too! What other choice does we have?

PS: And if I really want to freak myself out, I can recall what my doctors have said that with my blood pressure issues and high risk of pre-clampsia complications that they could take her as early as 30 weeks! Luckily everything has been doing pretty good (fingers crossed! appointments the next two weeks and getting much closer together now) so I am confident she will be cooking for a lot longer then 2 more weeks!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Thursday Thoughts!

TTGood copy
Today I am linking up with the awesome Jennifer at Ramblings of a Suburban Mom!
So what are my thoughts this Thursday?! Well for starters......
  • I kind of got slightly scolded at work today over not attending the 3 hour "All Hands Meeting" for the directorate. I decided to just keep my hands to myself today. After being told that I should at least call in for the meeting, I did sit at my desk and listen to the stupid thing. What a waste of three hours that would have been if I had of actually attended.
  • I am overly frustrated with my van situation. Back in Dec. we got some new riders. All of them seem really nice and I have actually become good friends with the girl who sits with me. There is one rider who is a woman in her late 40's, maybe early 50's who rides. This is her first time on a vanpool, but she's getting the hang of the rules and stuff like that. She is super nice, but slightly ditzy and very talkative. She def says what comes to her mind, which makes her come off a little goofy. But the main thing is she is very nice and very easy to get along with. Some of the other people on the van have decided they don't like her and that she is annoying, which I get that people form their own opinions, but they are constantly talking about here and making comments and jokes about her. I mean she seemed to be the talk of most rides home behind her back while she is driving and fully out loud on the two days she works from home. I have grown very agitated at the situation. It's one thing to say something here and there about a person, but to fully bash they on a daily basis is not right. These are all older people too in their 40's and 50's. Isn't there something else they should be talking about? I mean come on, this lady hasn't done one thing to them. I'm going to say something if it continues. I can't stand cattiness like that. Grow up and move on!
  • I was awaken at 4am exactly by a nightmare charlie horse cramp! It started in my left calf and traveled all the way up to my butt. The only thing I could do was scream bad words and roll back and forth trying to bend my toes to my shin. I eat a banana almost every day and split one with Hailey before bed time. I am just chalking it up to another lovely pregnancy symptom. This is number two in less then a week! Let's stop there please!
  • Today is the first day of Spring! Happy Spring day! And I have seen a couple quick weather articles about a possible substantial snow store coming up the east coast next Tuesday! (Yes, you read that right Heather!). There is still uncertainty, but it's possible!
Potentially Significant Winter Storm to Impact Parts of The East Coast
  • I got a coupon in my American Baby magazine for a free carseat canopy cover. They are normally $50, but with this coupon code it was free! Well you still had to pay shipping and handling, but $12.95 is much better then $62.95!
So this is the one I picked! It's suppose to be perfect for all weather and seasons! So we shall see! I wanted to embroider it, but didn't want to pay the extra $6.95. So plain it will be! It is minky on the inside! I'm pretty excited!
  • This weekend involves the Circus trip on Saturday and I am doing a Scentsy party on Sunday! I am pretty excited for both! Saturday I will be seeing my cousins and Sunday will be spent with some of my best friends! Woot woot!
And speaking of Scentsy I was pretty excited to see this come through my email! It's a great deal and super cute warmer!
(Just in case you are interested in ordering: )
It's the cute Egg warmer and the three scents that come with it are Jumping Jelly Beans, French Lavender, and Coconut Lemongrass for $30 for the package!
So happy first day of Spring Thursday! What thoughts would you like to share?!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

10 Things on Tuesday!

Wahoo! Finally it's Tuesday and one day closer to the weekend!
1. Oh boy! It sure has been a week so far! I am renaming Tuesday's Tired Tuesdays because I am super exhausted!
2. I got my wish yesterday! We had a snow day! Woot woot! That meant not only did I not have to work, but I didn't have to go to the stupid communication workshop for work! That's a serious win/win for me!
3. I was hoping my snow day yesterday would roll into an unscheduled telework day today. I didn't get to bed until almost midnight and then I woke up probably 10 times seeing if I had a message from work saying that it was liberal leave/2 hour delay/unscheduled telework. And at 4:30am when Kenny crawled into bed waking me up, I checked my phone to find we were open and to report on time. Bummer!
4. I had to call and ask Kenny to put my roast in the crock pot for me. Poor baby had to "find" it in the fridge, pour the cup of water I had sitting out on the counter in the crock pot that I had sitting there ready, and sprinkle some seasoning on it that I already had sitting out. I assume the hardest part was switching the knob to "low" since he didn't even have to plug it in. Good thing he doesn't like pot roast because with all that pouting I might not have shared anyways! But I am very excited to have dinner cooking for me right now! Woot woot!
5. I cleaned and set up my closet yesterday. This is HUGE! I have thought about doing this since I have moved in and knowing that a lot of the boxes that need to be unpacked need to go into my closet, it had to be done. The thing that was holding me back the most was that I had stuff dumped in my closet from when we moved and different things I had put in there. So yesterday I finally put on my big girl pants and got to it! It looks amazing and I am so excited! Kenny even put together the cube organizer I have had sitting in a box for three years! Now I just need to figure out which box has the little cubes that go in the organizer!
6. While cleaning my closet, I went through the makeup/lotions/perfume that I have had for years in bins. This was all stuff from growing up and when I was in school and stuff I hadn't seen since I moved from Baltimore. As hard as it was, I threw out almost everything. The stuff was old (some over 20 years old) so it had to go. I did love going through the stuff while it was going into the trash! Lots of cool stuff! Poo!
7. I was super productive Sunday afternoon. I took 6 black bags to Goodwill, a box to Once Upon a Child, ran into target, made a return to Kohls, and a return to Best Buy! I checked a LOT off my list of things I have been meaning to do!
8. I made the decision to take back all the picture frames I had bought in November from Kohls for the entryway/ stairways. They hadn't been hung and I was still paying my over sized bill from holiday shopping at Kohls. So I just decided they had to go. It helped get me back $47 so that's a good thing.
9. Hailey lost another tooth last night! That makes 6 and all her front teeth are now  gone! I also googled yesterday why her adult teeth are coming in yellowish. I was worried it was her brushing of her new teeth. I was surprised to read that this is normal! Baby teeth are actually named "milk teeth" and are super white. When the new adult teeth come in next to the baby teeth it makes them look yellow. They said it's actually an optical illusion. Good to know!
10. It was pointed out to me the other day by one of my friends that when I take a handful of jelly beans, I sort them by color and only eat them one color at a time. I had never noticed I did that. ! I just looked down and realized I was doing it as I was typing this post. The things you do unconsciously!
Hope you are having a good start to the week! What ten things do you want to share this Tuesday?!

Friday, March 14, 2014

5 Things on Friday!

1. What a long week it has been! I mean seriously, this week has gone on forever and was jammed pack full of meetings that I handle the logistics on. I usually am only responsible for a few a year, but just this week alone I had four panel meetings overlapping! I was going crazy and I am happy to report that everything went flawless! No issues at all! Considering there was over 50 people, both virtual and onsite, nothing went wrong! I was expecting the worse and it turned out amazing! I am actually pretty proud of myself!
2. I am excited for things I have coming up in the next month! There will be lots of friends and lots of celebrations of all kinds from a bridal shower to a princess birthday party! I am pretty excited about it all! And next weekend we are going to the circus with my cousins. Last year I told her was our last year due to the ticket prices and I was fine when the emails and flyers came and went accepting the fact that there would be no more circus for atleast a whiile. I was very surprised when I got a message from asking me what we were doing on the 22nd and telling me she had bought us tickets for the circus, her treat! I thought that was really sweet and I am very excited. This has always kind of been a tradition for us to go together even before we had kids. Now that the girls are getting older I love being able to see them enjoy it together! I am very appreciative of that gift!
3. Let's talk skincare! I have become obsessed with trying to figure out a routine. I have collected things over the time and collected information on different products. I have really been trying to make a point (okay I just started like yesterday) to get into some kind of routine morning and night! There is so many things I want to try (thank you Jaclyn Hill!) and I have a list created on Sephora's website. It's killing me not to buy even a small thing! I just want it all! But I keep reminding myself I already have a cleanser, toner, moisturizer, night cream, beauty oil, and vitamin c serum which means I need to use up all that stuff first! But I'll admit that the GlamGlow Thirsty Mud mask looks like it could be life changing! But I am pretty sure I said the same about the stuff I already have so I will have to stick to this stuff first! Grown up decisions suck!
4. Oh Emily! You are a mess already. You are still loving staying breached and I know this because I feel your kicks down low in areas that I would prefer not to and not to mention that lump right under my left side of my ribs. Yup, that would be your head! You love laying like that! We won't mention the fact that every time I stand up I feel like I need to run to the bathroom for some little drips. Silly girl! Less then 14 weeks left!
5. I will keep this one simple, one word.......SNOW! Yup, Monday is looking like a possible snow day and I am hearing over 4 inches in the burg as it looks right now. I have never heard so many people in my office wishing for snow because we were told if the government delays or authorizes liberal/telework, that we will move our communications retreat/intervention/workshop to mid April. No one is feeling this whole thing! On the other hand, we already have lengthened the school days so I am not sure what the county will do if there is snow!
Happy Friday!!!!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Thursday Thoughts!

TTGood copy
Today I am linking up with the awesome Jennifer at Ramblings of a Suburban Mom!
So what are my thoughts this Thursday?! Well for starters......
We have 95 days until baby girl's due date! We have finally reached the below 100 mark! It's insane to think about! I am not ready, but it is coming full force at us! So much to do!
So I have been "scheduling" tasks for me to do each night, small things for the most part, but they are making a dent in the huge amount of things that I need to be doing. While working on the basement, we brought up 15 black trashbags full of clothes that needed to be sorted. I made three piles, a pile for washing and keeping, a pile for Goodwill, and a pile to take to the consignment shop and see if I can get some money for. I have done 3 loads of the keep one so far, 1 load a night of new laundry and folding the load from the previous night, and I made one trip to the consignment shop and have one more less, and tonight will consist of bagging up the Goodwill things! Slowly getting my living room floor back!!!!
Guess what?! If you follow my blog, you know I have mentioned more times the necessary about my hate for dishes! They just are always filling my sink! Well guess who finally has an empty sink!
I have become a "list master"! I have always had lists for everything, but now I have them everywhere for all aspects of my life. I have a list for things I need to do each day. I have a list for work. I have a list for the grocery store. I have a list for weekly tasks. I have a list for my bills. I have a list for things to do before Emily arrives. Lots and lots of lists! But on the bright side, nothing slips through the cracks!
Starting Monday we add 25 minutes to the school days for the rest of the year. This is due to the 14 snow days we have had so far this school year. This will ensure that our kids still get Spring break. They were really pressed on not touching spring break for some reason. Someone high up must have had non refundable plans, because it seems like most other counties had no problem taking it away.
Has anyone been following the missing Malaysia flight? It just vanished! No clue where it went with it 230 some passengers. The radios and transponders were turned off and that was the last thing they know about it. They have no clue if it crashed or what. They said it appeared to be turning off course when the transponders were shut off. Like not to long after the military picked up an unidentified flying object 200 miles away from where it was last seen that they are trying to figure out if that was it. They have searched everywhere and nothing. No debris or anything! They have a ton of countries and experts over there helping them. They said it could have flown on for hours. There is just no clue on what happen! I have been obsessed with the story since someone told me about it Monday! Oh and to make matters weirder there was two young guys from Iran that had stolen passports on the plane. Like passports stolen reported missing a long time ago. So many possibilities! They are completely baffled! I'm baffled!
Last night while I was telling Kenny this story, he started making fun of me because apparently I used the word "baffled" like ten times! But hey, it is baffling!
Amazon Prime is raising the rate from $79 annually to $99 on April 17th. I keep trying to decide if it is worth it, and based on the mass amount of people who LOVE it, I know it is! I def will have to do it by March 20th (the cut off for new members) so I can be locked in at that rate. I was having a hard time with the $79, and now $99?! I will take the $79! (The only reason I know this is because I was looking up how to spell Malaysia on a new site ha!)
Monday we have a "Communications" retreat/intervention for work over in Alexandria. First off, now I got to Metro on my own dime over there. Secondly this is ridiculous! They want us to have a deeper relationship with one another. But here is my theory, we all work well together. It doesn't mean we all like each other, but we all work towards the common goal to get our work done. So why do we have to go to this communications workshop to learn how to interact with each other. As I have said many times, I am here for a paycheck. I am not here to make friends. My work moto is:
Go to work. Punch in. Do your own job. Mind your own business. Punch out. Go home. Simple.
I actually have that posted on my sticky board in my cube and that is simply what I do. I am like a super nice person and try to really praise people and not step on any toes, but when it comes to work, I am here to get my job done so I can continue my career and move up. I don't need to be any of these people's friends. I don't think they care about my life outside of work and I don't have time to really care about theirs. I mean I am the baby and am like 25 years younger then most people here. I doubt that we all will be going to lunch and calling each other on the phone during the weekend to hang out after this retreat.
So that's enough Thursday thinking for me! What are your thoughts today?!

Monday, March 10, 2014

Heartbreaks and Headaches

I haven't blogged in a while and I think it's because I have been having such an emotional time lately. I would rather not let my blog posts all contain negative things, but it seems like when something major is bothering you that's what seems to happen.

I decided maybe it is best to just blog about it and get it all out. The matter has been settled for the most part and even though nothing has changed, I am ready to move forward.

The whole issue revolved around a simple topic, my baby shower. I never ASKED anyone to throw me anything, but when one of my best friends told me she wanted to it, I was thrilled. She asked if I thought one of my other best friends would be interested in helping and of course she was, so I gave her the number so they could chat. I also mentioned that she should call my Mom to just make sure things would be okay and so my Mom wouldn't feel left out. When I talked to my Mom a few weeks later, I asked if she had talked to Meagan and she said she had not. She asked what about and then I mentioned about a baby shower. I was actually kind of nervous about my Mom finding out, simply because she made it clear that you never have a second shower for another child, even though my Mom had one at her work for me (I have the pictures to prove it!). My mom threw my first one, and though it was really nice, I was a little disappointed that none of my friends were invited. I still had a great shower, but something I really wanted for this shower was for my friends and my family to both be there. Once I made mention about Meagan throwing me a shower, she caught an attitude because she was supposedly planning one for me with my Aunt. I told her that I really wanted to include my friends this time and that last time there were some hurt feelings after my shower because close friends felt left out. She got defensive and said there was never a list, but I also remember her telling me who SHE was inviting and how everything was going to be and did not want my thoughts or input on anything. She wanted this shower to be a surprise and was livid when I made mention that I had a date in mind. I told her to make contact with Meagan and maybe they could all work together.

After a lot of phone tag between the two they finally started talking. Things didn't seem to go very smoothly. My mom is very stubborn in the fact that what she thinks goes. She wanted to change the date and she also was unhappy with the invite list. She did not want Kenny's family there and even called me and said that she didn't want them invited. She said they make it awkward and they really don't talk to her. She also had comments to say about people on the list who she didn't like and didn't want there.  She even called me asking me why they had to come and that if they came my friends could not. She actually brought the subject up to me multiple times. Like I explained to Meagan, they are still my family and have been nothing, but nice to me. My mom said she didn't want my mother in law there, and even though I have some strong feelings towards her, I knew it would only be right to invite her. She also argued with me on the phone because Kenny's dad had gone on a date with a lady back in December and she knew the lady and someone she wanted to invite also knew the lady so if there was any chance of her coming then she wasn't inviting the other. I tried to explain to her that we don't even see Kenny's dad and have no clue if they are dating or even went on a second date and that I had not planned on inviting her. Meagan said she also heard a whole story about that. She was giving Meagan a hard time over the family and said she was going to throw her own party for family and Meagan and Heather could do one for friends. But then she also added that she would not be inviting Kenny's family and that Meagan could invite them. Meagan tried to explain how it would be kind of weird with all my friends and them there without my family. Finally after much back and forth they decided on having one big shower. The date was still being argued over and my Mom did not understand why it could not be a surprise. My issue is that I live an hour and a half away and also have a pretty busy schedule especially coming up in the spring. So though I don't have to know anything about the shower, I was pretty set on the date because it worked well with my friends who I really wanted to be there and I had already mentioned it to a few people.

So it was settled one large party on May 3rd at my grandmother's house, which is kind of a half way point for most people and myself. Meagan said her and Heather would handle everything, if my Mom could do the food. And then my Mom texted Meagan saying since the invite list was included 40 people, they could not do food, only cake and punch because they did not want anything to be spilled. Meagan said she really thought there should be snack type food and so after her and I discussing it, I decided to just let it be at my house. I have plenty of space and then I didn't have to worry about putting anyone out. I wasn't completely thrilled about our house, but Kenny promised that we would have it all together by the party and that it would be a good opportunity to have people come see our house since they are always asking. He also said we could then not feel bad for inviting anyone that I wanted there. Meagan texted my Mom saying that she had talked to Kenny and I and that we could just do the party at our house. My Mom responded with a text saying how deeply hurt she was by all this and how she had already had a party all planned out and had even gotten some of the paper goods. She was planning a small "intimate gathering" and apparently what she wanted for me was not the same thing I wanted. Meagan and her talked more on the phone and my Mom made comments about the invite list again and how I was turning this into a "open house/ frat party". She said I was being selfish about Kenny's family. And that I always wanted to be center of attention and that I was making this all about me. And also she didn't understand why I wanted so many meaningless people there and I was doing it just for gifts which is wrong. She also decided to just do her own party again. Meagan said that was fine and she finally got around to talking to Heather and they made all the plans that night. My Mom made it clear that she didn't want any invites to be sent to my family and she wanted to see my invite list. I told Meagan to only send her my family on the list because the rest were either Kenny's family or friends. Meagan received a message that night from my Mom saying maybe she would just scrap her idea and come to this one because she was very confused.

I was very upset how things were turning out and the comments that were made. This actually went way deeper then talk about a baby shower. My Mom seemed to voice her opinion on many other things about my life. First off she said how she knows Kenny just hates her and can't stand her. She talked about how rude his family was and how she tries to talk to them and they don't really say much. She knows that the only reason I want them there is because of Kenny. She actually blamed alot of things on Kenny. She made comments about how he spends his money and our relationship. She said that she hates how much Hailey is just like him and when she comes to her house it normally takes about three days to start acting normal. She made comments about our house, not only the distance, but all the stuff we had. She talked about Kenny's junk and how he makes the house look poor. Funny thing about this is that she's only been here once! And the house was clean and besides the basement, mostly put away. The yard was nice and everything had been removed and cleaned up because Kenny had a bonfire that previous night. She said how much she hates our vehicles and that she thinks it is stupid that I have a "jacked up Jeep" and how unsafe it is for me riding around with kids. She commented on how she feels she always has to walk on eggshells around me and how she tries to do so much for me and it never seems appreciated or good enough. She commented on how I can text everyone else, but I am short with her and only answer the question. She doesn't understand why I don't call her more often. She also doesn't understand why I am such an unhappy person and she knows that I blame my childhood. She talked about how she used to take me out weekly and buy me a Cherished Teddy collectible and that she has about 500 of them in boxes still, plus all the ones in her china hutch and that those never mattered to me and clearly I didn't appreciate them because I have never taken them home. Another thing she blamed on Kenny. She also made mention how I like to throw stuff in her face all the time and how when she told me that she wasn't sure that she could love another grandchild and how the first one was such a special baby to a parent and a grandparent, that I got mad and keep making comments about it. Ummmm hello, I am the second born and not the first grandchild on either side, how could she think I wouldn't be hurt by her comment. She also commented on how she knows this is going to negatively effect Hailey.

As you can see, there was ALOT of things said and I didn't even mention the half of it. Meagan said it was seriously like a three ring circus and couldn't believe some of the things coming out of her mouth each time they talked. And at this point I was not mad, but deeply hurt. And the only reason I know this stuff is because I begged Meagan to tell me what was being said. And I fully believe Meagan because I know how my Mom is and she has made similar comments about myself and others pretty much my whole life. I hit a breaking point Friday night and all I could do was cry hysterically. I was hurt that my Mom had said all those things about me and how selfish I was being and just wanted to be center of attention. Though I didn't do anything but provide a list, I still was coming out the bad guy. My list included 8 of my family members, 13 of Kenny's, 4 people I work with, 3 people I ride the van with and 13 of my best and close friends. I didn't feel I was over the top, and though it is a decent size list, it only included people who meant something to me or that I am close to and part of my day daily.

 I knew Saturday I would be seeing her and I wasn't sure how that was going to go. I kept reminding myself it was a party for my little cousin and that unless something was said to me, I would make a point to just distance myself and not cause a scene. I did do just that and the party went good. My Mom had been talking to me weeks prior about cameras. She said it that she knew I really wanted a fancy camera with different lenses and options and that she had been saving money for me since last May for a nice graduation gift. She wanted me to use that money on a camera that I could use, instead of something like a piece of jewelry. She told me she would give me the money and my card at the party and I could order the Nikon d3200 that I had been eyeing forever! This of course was before all these feelings were brought up, so it made it hard when she slipped me the card as she was leaving. I waited until I was home to open it and though I was hesitant I did open it. Inside was a nice message and the money. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation so I just put it back in the envelope and put it in a drawer. I really wanted to text her, but I was still just to hurt by everything that I didn't think I could put it aside. She sent me a message with a picture of a bestbuy ad asking if this was the camera package I had wanted. I finally decided something had to be said.

So after an hour and a half of sitting there writing and rereading, I texted her a message......

"I'm not sure. I did open my card and was truly appreciative of the gift you gave me. Despite what you think, I love you very much and have always been appreciative of everything you have done for Hailey and I. But I am going to be honest with you, I am extremely hurt and saddened by the things that you have said about me in the past few days. I have never asked anyone for anything. I didn't ask anyone to throw me a shower and I was happy when someone wanted to do that for me, When asked for a list, I provided people I wanted to share a celebration for Emily with. It was never meant to come off as a "open house/frat party" and I offered my house because I clearly did not want to put anyone out by using their house. I never was looking to be "center of attention" as you feel, but to be honest, when you go to a shower it is for a mother and baby. But this goes deeper then a baby shower because you have voiced your opinion and clearly don't agree with choices I make from where I live , who I married, and even down to the vehicle I drive. And even though you may have accepted the fact of another baby, you were never happy about it. And I am baffled at the fact that you think this is going to negatively effect Hailey so much and I mean, I am the second child so clearly the comments you have made about first borns and first grandchildren are hurtful to me. So as far as the money goes and a camera, I am going to save the money in my drawer for right now. I can give it back though if there is something you could use it for."

I hit sent and I was instantly sick. Every vision of the future that ran through my mind,my Mom poofed out of the picture. I immediately was in tears and calling on Kenny to tell me things would be okay. He said that the message I sent was done tastefully considering how badly I had been hurting the past few days. I waited around for a message, but never got anything. After I cried myself to sleep, I woke up throughout the night and checked my phone and there was no response. And after how angry I was, all I could picture was my Mom sitting there crying and upset. That made a huge knot in my stomach, because who really wants to make their Mom cry. I laid in bed all morning waiting and nothing came through. Finally about 1pm my phone rang and I saw it was her calling.

She first off told me not to talk because she had things to say. She wanted to let me know she had been up all night sick about the message and how I completely destroyed her by the things that I said. She said that either Meagan twisted everything up or that I had to of misunderstood. She said first off that she was simply asking about if I wanted this an open house. She said she felt it would be a frat party if guys were involved (which didn't make sense and having guys there were never mentioned). She said she told Meagan that I have always liked to have a big circle or friends around and it was something that she never was interested in because she didn't like being center of attention. She said it was Meagan who did not want Kenny's family there. She said she has already told me she hates the distance that I live now and how she feels like she is missing so much in Hailey's life. She said she likes Kenny but does not like the way he treats me. She said that her concern about my Jeep is because she doesn't want me to have to struggle to put a baby carrier in or to fall out while pregnant and hurt myself or the baby. She said it was Meagan who made a big deal about the party and not having food and how she said that was what she really wanted and that's why it had to be moved. She told me that she never meant anything negatively about the first child and how with the first child it's more of an experiment of finding out what works and what doesn't. The second child is much easier and you worry less about. She also said she could not believe that Meagan would tell me all those things and how she was trying to sabotage our relationship. She said that Meagan said how she wishes she had what we had and now here she was trying to destroy it. She cried and I cried and we talked for about an hour. And to be honest nothing could really be resolved, it was just feelings were let out.

I know my Mom and I know Meagan didn't lie about things like she thinks she did. The things she said came out of my Mom's mouth are exactly things I know she would say, especially how she said they were worded. So though my Mom thought they were meaningless and misunderstood, it was due to the way she communicated. And it's always easier to explain what you thought you might of meant when you have time to think about it after being called out on it. And some of those things have been said to me already in one way or another. She did not want me to have another baby. She even told Hailey things to make her not want a baby. Anytime a baby was talked about she would quickly change the subject or get all choked up and say how she couldn't love another baby and how hard it would be on Hailey. She talked about my childhood some and said about the collectibles she got me to try to make me happy. I told her that I appreciated those, and that I had a fairly good childhood, the only thing I was lacking was the sentimental type things. She still doesn't understand why when she tells me it was because they didn't have the money to do things, that I don't believe her. I would have preferred to pick a pumpkin and carve it. I would have loved to dye Easter eggs. I would have done anything to go trick or treating or go to the county fair or go to a park and play. Maybe instead of buying collectibles we could have done things like that. I did not do any of those things until I was 17/18 years old and did them with Kenny. Isn't it crazy to think that my boyfriend taught me how to dye an Easter egg and was there when I went to a pumpkin patch and picked my first pumpkin and he taught me how to carve it, all at the age of 18?? It always turns into a sad sob story when it comes to my Mom. And clearly she felt as though she was the victim in this situation, as she does with them all. But you know what, it's my Mom and that's how she is.

So from this I feel that though she feels she never said any of those things and it was a huge misunderstanding, I can just accept the fact she feels about everything said and move forward. I got out all my hurt and can now just move ahead without looking back. Face it, she's my Mom and though she may drive me nuts, I will always love her. Another thing I learned was to vent less to her, because some of the things that were said were twisted off of things I was venting about at one point or another, such as our yard. In that instance I was on the phone when I pulled up and saying how big of mess Kenny had in front of the garage. That has been cleaned up and was simply a vent at that time. But that is now how she pictures the house and feels she needs to comment on and tell people about. So vent less and move froward. That's all I can do.

If you have made it to the end of this long saga, you are pretty amazing. I needed to get all of this out. I am a person of words. If I can get my thoughts out in words on paper, then I can get them out of my head. Hopefully things will seem a little perkier from this point on and I can pick up to my posting and focusing on the baby and the happy things I am excited for!