Wednesday, August 27, 2014

WW: They Melt My Heart Into A Puddle of Mush!

 
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Birthday Fun Part 2: Build A Bear Party!

Part two to the Birthday weekend was Hailey's Build a Bear party! I absolutely loved how organized it was and how well all the kids listened! The team at Build a Bear were great! It turned out awesome!  Afterwards we went to the food court in the mall and had cupcakes! All the kids seemed to have such a good time too! But I will let the pictures tell the story!

 
 
 

Great listeners!
 
 
 

Singing songs and dancing to the "Teddy" Ta!
 
 
 
 
 
 

Group photo (minus Rhys!)
 

Group silly face!
 



Even Ms. Emmie got her first little small fry Build a Bear at Sissy's party!

PS: Thanks to Heather for most of the pictures! A few were mine though! ;-)

Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Day My Little Girl Turned 7!

It's hard to believe that it had been 7 years since this happened......
 
Photo: It's hard to believe that this picture was taken 7 years ago. Happy Birthday Hailey! You have amazed me from day one and still continue to amaze me. You are so smart, silly and sassy. I love how much we think alike! Your my best friend, my sidekick, and the best big sister anyone could ever ask for. Seeing you with Emily and the big smile she gets when she looks at you melts my heart. I love you so much and am so proud of the little girl you have become! ♡
 
Ms. Hailey Marie was born on August 16th, 2007 at 7:33am weighing 7lbs 3oz!
 
She has grown up so much these last few years and with the way she acts it is hard to remember sometimes that she still is just a little girl! She is such a sweet person and has a good heart! She can be stubborn and sarcastic like her daddy, but she truly is a wonderful person. Seeing her as a big sister has changed the way I look at her a lot! She is so amazing with Emily and such a great helper! I knew she would be awesome, but I never thought she would be so great with her. I love the way they interact and the way she cares about her little sister. It truly melts my heart on a daily basis! Hailey is such an amazing little person and I can not wait to see what her future has in store for her!
 
So with that said, let me tell you a little bit about my big 7 year old's special day!
 
This was Hailey's first picture as a 7 year old! She had climbed in my bed so we could cuddle and she could say hello to Emily!
 
 
After that we headed to living room where she opened her gifts from us! Though it didn't look like a lot, I was pretty happy with the gifts that I did get her!
 
 
 
 
Monster High Fashion Design Tapeffiti
 
Then she got 5 pairs of jeans, two packs of earrings, and some clothes for her doll from Emily!
 
But this was the thing she wanted the most! And according to Toys R Us website it was not available for order until September! She talked about this darn bird for weeks! (Thank you commercials!) I just happened to be at Target with the girls and saw it! YUP! There was only one and the rest of the individual birds were gone! So I had to sneak buying it with her with me! I knew if I didn't, that it would be gone the next time I would be able to go! I literally hid it in my cart and made her go keep looking at things while we were checking out! I don't know know how she never saw it on the shelf and how she didn't see it while it was hidden in the cart! I felt like I deserved a hug pat on the back for those skills! So here it is........
 

 
So needless to say she was one happy camper that morning! After we ate breakfast the neighbors came over and gave her their gifts which was actually the individual bird that can go in the cage with this bird! Also Amelia gave Hailey her first BFF necklace! It was super cute and they were very excited!
 
After that we went in and got dressed and ready! Hailey had picked both her and Emily's outfit out for her Birthday! She had chose matching dresses for the two of them and had been dieing to wear them together for her special day! I then curled her hair and got her all ready!
 
So that morning was supposed to run much smoother then it did. I had placed the balloon order the day before and had planned to run into the store to grab the punch that I wasn't able to get the night before! I was thrown in a loop when Kenny informed me that he was heading to MD early so that he could go to his dads. I mean, it really wasn't a big deal, but it did complicate things with having to do these small tasks now with both Hailey and Emily with me instead of waiting in the car. Plus lugging everything out to the car by myself.
 
 I decided to have two parties for her again this year! One was with family and the other was a Build a Bear party with her friends she has grown up with! The party with family was held at my Grandmother's house and was Monster High themed. I really wish I had of gotten more pictures because I did decorate, but after getting to the party late everything was kind of frantic and by late I mean 20 minutes after the party started and I still needed to set up! Kenny thought the party started at 3 instead of 2 so he didn't show up until 40 minutes after! Ahhhhh! It was a mess in the beginning, but after I got everything set up and started, things slowed down a lot!
 
*Thank you google for providing these images!
 
We did cookout food, you know the typical burgers and hotdogs. There were chips, dip, pasta salad, deviled eggs, and potato salad. After a frantic search for punch that morning, my cousin came to the rescue and we had punch! We ate our dinner and then it was time for presents!
 
Hailey had a blast opening everything up! She definitely got everything she asked for this year! One of her big requests was money for books! She got a gift card with book marks and also a check to be used for books! She wanted clothes for her American Doll, so she got a few outfits from the Our Generation collection that Target sells! They fit the American Dolls perfect and are priced MUCH better! She also got the other thing she had been asking for for awhile..... KINETIC SAND! That stuff is pretty neat! Even Kenny was intrigued by it! She got the purple kit and 3 separate colors to go with it! She also got Monster High dolls and some other really cool things! She also scored several cool gift cards to Claire's and Toys R Us! She loved everything and there was no duplicates to anything she had! SCORE! That's always a good thing!
 
After presents was cake! My mom made the cake again this year! She did a great job and I loved that it was a marble cake with chocolate and hot pink and purple swirls! It tasted pretty good too! Mmmmm!
 
 
 
After cake the crowd slowly died down and we went ahead and started to pack up. We got home that evening and of course Hailey didn't know where to start with opening things! She decided to go with the Kinetic Sand so her and Kenny could check it out! He had never seen it before and Mr. "Know it All" was amazed with this stuff!
 
 
 
Then before bedtime I made sure to snap a picture of the girls in their matching dresses!
 
 
So that was it for her Birthday! She went to bed excited knowing that the next day would be her Build a Bear party! She had a pretty great Day 1 of her Birthday weekend!
 
Stay tuned for Day 2!
 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

10 Things on Tuesday!

tues
 
It's Tuesday and that's something to smile about!!!!
 
1. Hailey celebrated her 7th birthday this past weekend. We had a Monster High party with the family on Saturday and a Build a Bear party with her childhood friends on Sunday! It was a busy weekend, but she had so much fun!
 
2. I got a letter earlier this month in the mail telling me I had jury duty for the month of Septemeber and a mandatory orientation for tonight! Ekkkk! I called the courthouse and told them I had just had a baby, they told me to write a letter, and I called today and had been excused! Wahoo!
 
3. Speaking of court, I NEED to get the Jeep inspected this weekend so I have the paperwork for court on Sept. 4th for my inspection ticket. Not looking forward to driving all the way to Prince William county for that, but I also don't think I need to pay the $116 fine for having an expired inspection sticker in my window. This is one of the few things I miss about Maryland! No yearly inspections!
 
4. I really want to grow my blog a bit, but really don't know how or really what to talk about. I'm kind of boring! I do have a few readers who have stuck with me and I'm very grateful!

5. I didn't take many pictures this weekend and Hailey noticed. She said "great! Now I won't have any memories of my 7th birthday!" Opps! Sorry kid, I was living in the moment plus after being 15 minutes late to your own party, I was kind of flustered! 

6. I already know my new years resolution! I have to work on this being late thing! I plan on being early, but by the time we get out the door we are on time, then add some traffic in the mix and we become late! Getting out the door with two kids is harder than one! 

7. Emily was awake when I left yesterday. It made me cry leaving! Today She woke up with my alarm so since I've been giving myself extra time in the morning, I was able to feed her and cuddle her a bit before getting ready! 

8. I knew my paycheck was going to be short this past Friday by 35 hours, but what I was not prepared for is them losing 40 hours mysteriously and only getting paid for 5 hours. Of course it was on the day they were doing their annual maintenance on the time programs. Luckily the 40 hours got deposited today! 

9. I've brought my lunch every day since I've been back! Today was a salad with shrimp. Yummm! 

10. I've been drinking a ton of water again. I'm trying to get in at least 80oz. That makes me happy! The little things that count!


Monday, August 11, 2014

The Time Has Come.......

Today is the day that I have been dreading for the past 8 weeks. The day that I would have to get up before the sun comes out and leave my babies. Last week was hard, I cried most every night, but when last night hit, it was like I was numb. I just kept going and going trying to get everything ready and in order for starting back to work and the girls going to the sitters. I packed Hailey's lunch and snacks and wrote a little note on her napkin in her lunch box, like I do on the few rare occasions I get to pack her school lunch. I did a load of laundry and some dishes. Before I knew it, it was bed time and I had felt like I had run out of time. The girls were both asleep and I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself. So I got in bed and just watched Emily sleep wishing that they would stay this little forever.
 
This morning, I got up and going easier then I thought. I am tired, but I am not overly tired. The hardest part was leaving the house, putting the key in the ignition and going down the driveway. Hailey was awake when I left and I hugged her and told her how much I would miss her. She told me she didn't want me to go back to work and I told her I didn't want to go anywhere either. As I was about to head down the steps to leave I said "I'll be thinking about you all day" and in the sweetest sleepy voice she said "and I'll be thinking about you."
 
Once I got to work, before I even turned on my computer, I went through my pictures I had gotten and taped them up on my cabinets. It's a nice mix of Emily and Hailey now. And then I washed off my dry erase board with my weekly count down to Emily I had done since I was 8 weeks pregnant. I've been okay today for the most part. It's a weird feeling though. Like I am not as upset as I thought I would be, but I honestly think it's going to get harder as each day goes on. My heart is still thinking that this is something different for just today and tomorrow will go back to how it has been, even though my brain knows this will be the new normal.
 
I am anxious of how tonight will go when I get there to pick them up. I know Hailey will be excited. but how will Emily react? Will she smile and be happy to see my familiar face again or will she just act as though she didn't even notice I was gone all day. It's just sad. I've invested so much time in keeping track of every careful detail of her day. I know when she eats, sleeps, poops, and gets a new diaper. It's feels strange not knowing what she is doing or what needs to be done when I get home. When will she need her next bottle? Will she be tired or did she nap all day?
 
I think one of the hardest parts of being a working Mom is that you are constantly wishing away time. I look at the clock frequently throughout the work day wishing it was time to go. Then I sit in traffic wishing I was home already. Then each day I am wishing it was Friday or the weekend. And before you know it, it is time to go home, I am home, and it is the weekend. And then one day you wake up and realize that you have an almost 7 year old and that you missed out on so much. Instead you spent so much time away from home, wishing away time, that the days, weeks, and months have flew by. Emily is 2 months today and where has time gone? At least these last two months I have had a full summer with the girls, seeing all those moments, watching TV together, going outside, and taking our time walking through the stores looking around. Never once did I wish it was a certain time or day. Now I am just back to wishing away my time during the day so I can be back home with them. Then when I do get home I will be rushing around to get everything done for the next day and it will be bedtime. Before I know it these months will be gone too.
 
I know I should be grateful for what I have. I do have a really good job that I am good at. I catch on really easy and am knowledgeable and respected among my co-workers. I have money to pay my bills and extra to do things for myself or for my kids from time to time. I talk and interact with people every day. I know these are all things that my SAHM friends all miss, but I would give anything to be home right now, or tomorrow, or even if I KNEW that it was in my near future. But for now I am going to sit here looking at my emails from the past two months and thinking about my girls and wishing it was time to go.
 
 
Even Emily was sad at the thought of Mommy leaving
(or it may have been the fact her little head was getting rained on by my tears) 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Ten things on Tuesday

1. Two blog posts in a week! Someone give me an award! Ha! I'm hoping to get back to it a lot more.

2. Emily is 8 weeks old tomorrow. Pump your breaks girlfriend, you are growing way to fast for Momma!

3. My paycheck was short by 19 hours last pay period and after a lot of back and forth today with work, we got it figured out what happened. I was told in July that I would be fine and should be covered all but maybe two days for the entire duration of my leave, but my check this period will be 35 hours short. I guess better then nothing! Still sucks and makes me mad!

4. Money is a huge weight on my shoulders right now. Not to mention the mail I got today for $500 for two deductibles that we now owe for both girls. We have so much going on with bills and I can NEVER seem to get ahead.

5. Hailey wants EVERYTHING for her birthday and is having some really bratty moments about it. I'm just going to prepare for her to be disappointed come time for her birthday.

6. I hate that I buy stuff and then stew over everything until I end up having to take things back. I need to go return things this week.

7. I washed my foyers walls today with a magic eraser. It's been driving me nuts.

8. Hailey has become very hard to shop for when it comes to clothes. I ordered jeans for her and a new pair of shoes. I'm hoping she might get a bit of money for her birthday for a new top or two.

9. I had to take a break while typing this to let my phone dry out since someone (not naming any names) decided to projectile vomit all over my hand and phone. Ick! Also I learned I can't type very well without the case. So weird!

10. This weekend we have a cook out with Kenny's family for his brother getting ready to move to Guam. There will be crabs and I am soooo looking forward to that! And also for everyone to meet Emily, most of his family haven't yet! 

Monday, August 4, 2014

It's so hard.....

It's hard to believe that on Wednesday Emily will be 8 weeks old. I feel like time is just flying by and it makes me so sad. With her turning 8 weeks means that I will be heading back to work next Monday. I can't even try to pretend my heart isn't breaking at the thought. I knew that I would be going back when I was pregnant, but I never knew it would be this hard or that I would be this attached.

When I had Hailey I had a hard time bonding with her. Believe me, I loved her but I felt like we were strangers. I dealt with post partum depression pretty bad and it made it hard to connect with her. This time is the opposite. I am so consumed with Emily that I can't sleep at night because I just want to watch her. I worry about her every move and if I am missing something when she cries. Maybe there is something wrong I'm not seeing. I am constantly worry and obsessing that I'm doing things wrong. I track every ounce she drinks and every diaper she has. And this time around instead of me not bonding with the baby, I feel as though she might not be connected to me as much as I am to her. I know it sounds crazy but it's constantly in my thoughts.

After talking with my doctor, she said it sounds like I again am going through postpartum depression. She went ahead and bumped up my medicine but it's not making my anxiety or depression any better. I'm hoping that since I recognize it this time that maybe I can deal better with it then I did after I had Hailey.

While I was pregnant with Emily, we thought we had figured everything out when it came to childcare. Kenny's schedule was 4 days a week working 2pm to 12am with every Thursday through Saturday off. We decided to ask our neighbor if she would be interested in watching Emily 3 days a week for about 6 hours a day. Kenny would have her the rest of the time. But Kenny's job has changed and so has his schedule. He's back to Monday through Friday working days. Now we are back to needing childcare 5 days a week for at least 8 hours a day. This again is something weighing on me heavily. I trust my neighbor and think she's an awesome Mom to her children, but now I feel like someone else is raising my babies.

I feel so inadequate as a mother. I feel like I have failed because I can't be there for them. I can't be there for Hailey to get her on the bus in the mornings. I can't do her hair for her or make sure the outfit I have laid out for her looks right on her or fits properly. I can't get her off the bus and hear about her day and help her with her homework. I won't be there when Emily wakes up for her morning bottle. Every morning when I wake up to her fussing, she's starring up at me and smiles when I look at her. Will Kenny hear her in the morning when she cries? What will she think when I'm not there. And what about her first laugh, her first time sitting, the first time she pulls herself up or takes her first step or crawls? Will I be there for those or will they happen at the baby sitters? And of course what if Emily doesn't understand that I'm her mommy? What if she likes Katie better then me? I know I sound crazy but these are things I can't stop thinking about and worrying about.

The entire time I was on leave I've searched for jobs and ways to be able to stay home or work from home. I commute more then 4 hours a day. I ride a vanpool so if an emergency were to happen,  I would have to find a way home and it would be at least two hour before I can get there. All these thoughts have taken a toll on me. And I can't count how many times people have questioned why I can't stay home and told me if i really wanted to then we could find a way to make it work. Believe me I've thought of ways we could make it work. In fact it went so far that I was told I could draw out of a trust fund, that I won't have access to until the age of 65, to pay off my bills so I could stay at home. Kenny has told me multiple times that if I feel so strongly that we will make it work and how he wants me to stay home, but in the next breath he said there is no way. After going through our finances, looking at our utilities and creating spreadsheets to for budgets there is no way it's possible and in fact according to my calculations we can't even afford to pay daycare either. It's like a cruel joke, can't afford to stay home but can't afford to work either.  I stayed up until 2 am just starring at it all. I've gotten my hopes up more then a few times in the past couple weeks but now it's more obvious that it's not going to happen.

So now I'm left counting down the days. I'm trying so hard to enjoy my last week with the girls but it's hard when I feel so sad and broken inside. I knew it was going to come but I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. I feel like I'm the only mom out of all my friends who works full time. I recieved a text the other night from a friend saying she just wanted to share with me that she put her two weeks notice in to stay at home with her boys. As happy as I was for her, I was crushed. I wish it was me. I wish I could be telling someone that. Its just not fair! Huff. As you can tell, I'm a big pile of emotional mush. You might think I'm crazy or overreacting, but I can't help the way I feel and I don't expect anyone to completely understand. Kenny keeps telling me there is no use in crying about it, but I'm allowed to be sad, mad, and plain old angry. And now I have a new baby and a taste of staying at home and really bonding with my girls. I have fallen in love with it. I have applied to 3 jobs locally that I am praying I hear something from. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I worked closer? So maybe there is hope in the near future, but until then I'm going to try to do my best to enjoy the last week home with the girls.

 
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