Thursday, May 19, 2011

The best of the best!

Everytime I am down or need cheering up, one thing comes to mind and always does the trick! MY FRIENDS!

I will be honest, I don't have very many "friends", I know alot of people, but would not really consider them a friend. My definition of a best friend is someone who makes you smile, you know they care, you can tell your secrets to and know that they are safe, makes you smile when you see you have a text, email, or fb message from them, and are there for you when you REALLY need them. So let me stop right there, this is one thing that I have learned about friendship over the years, yeah a friend might be missing in action for awhile, haven't talked to in week, or seen in forever, but if you really needed them you could count on them to come to your rescue! I cherish my friendships and am very happy with the true friends I have in my life. People may argue that you should only have one "best friend" and the rest should be good friends, but I beg to differ. I have a whole handful of bestfriends.

Let's take a look deeper into these friendships.

You can't go without a friend who can start a dance off in the middle of a bar using moves like the sprinkler and the dice roll. She may be a horrible driver at times, but she you got to give her this, she can sure multitask. Putting on makeup, talking on the phone, and driving with her knees takes some serious skills! She always puts a smile on my face and is a very genuine person. She isn't fake at all, she doesnt pretend to be something she is not, and she cares about everyone.

I have had my ups and down with this friend, but I still love him with all my heart. Sometimes I get upset that he doesnt spend anytime with me or answer my phone calls. And sometimes I feel flat out ignored. But he has been there for me through thick and thin. I hated him in 11th grade and then after we had driving school together we really clicked. We went to Votech together and became really close. We have done some crazy stuff including taking my car through a huge muddy puddle in the median of Demar road. We would of been SOL if I got stuck. Now that we are older we both realize how lucky we are that we graduated and didn't go to jail for some of the silly stuff we did. He thought it was a great idea to get me drunk on the Votech bus with green alcohol and continued to keep making me drink more. I basically had to be carried off the bus and attended all 4 lunch periods crying hysterically and passing out! Ahhhh how freaking embarrassing! And he rode with me at the track on Fridays when I would run my car. He didnt even make fun of me when I would have a 10 second reaction time or red light. He hung out with me every day a couple summers ago and we had so many good times. I can't tell you how many times after school did we go to Safeway and get lunch. He is amazing and though he really disapoints me at time, I would rather have the little time I do have with him then not have him in my life at all.

This chick wouldnt let me sit next to her in Science class if I didn't have areopostal on.... lol okay so thats an over exageration, but if someone told me in 10th grade that I would talk to her on a daily basis and be best friends with her, I would tell them they were crazy. We really had no connection in highschool, but when we were both pregnant she found me on myspace. And we talked throughout the pregnancy on there and then after the kids were born. We made arrangements to meet up and get the babies together, which we did every now and then. But something just clicked with us! We have alot in common and I think we both can understand one anothers issues. We are both good listeners and there is alot of trust in our friendship. I am part of her Oreo! We can send silly text messages or facebook messages back and forth. And I love getting together with her, we can talk and talk and talk! I love our friendship and that we have been able to watch our kids grow up together. Plus her son is Hailey's boyfriend already so I guess I got to get used to them! haha. Also how many people can say that they had to call 911 because they were locked in the park at night!

This chick I dont even consider a friend anymore, she is my SISTER! Her and I just celebrated our 10 years of friendships! We became best friends in 8th grade! What is unique about our friendship is how different we are, but completely the same at the same time. She played soccer and I played field hockey (I guess I should add that these sports dont get along with each other). She had a close group of friends from her AP classes and I had a close group of friends, but mainly hung out with the boys. She is extremely smart and always pushing herself and studying, whereas I took a light load and didnt study once through highschool. She did marching band and I was lusting over guys in weight training class. She lives in VA and I live in MD. There is so much differences between us, but personality wise we are the same. We feel each others pain, we understand everything that one another is saying, when she cries I cry. I don't talk to her for weeks and sometimes in a month or more. And I see her maybe a handfull in a year, but its like we never missed a beat. If we play phone tag for weeks, we dont get upset or irritated with one another. We can always pick up right where we left off. And while I sit and worry about all my other friendships and weather people are mad at me or not, I never doubt our friendship. I dont think ANYTHING will ever come between us! And don't even get me started on our clubbing experiences when we were 18 at the rave clubs!

I very much disliked this chick when I met her. I thought she was stuck up because when I made the effort to talk to her, she kind of blew me off. Now I dont know what I would do without her. I was lost when she moved away. I love the fact that I can get home from work and just walk right over there and laugh for hours. Our personalities work very well together, and we can come up with the dumbest stuff. She knocked me down on the dancefloor and we got semi kicked out of the bar and I had to rub her back the whole way home while she was hysterically crying and I kept telling her over and over "It's okay, everyone was going home, they were closing". That was one crazy night for sure! We have so many inside jokes! I loveour friendship. It's so funny how hatred could turn into such a great friendship!

This person I like to call my Mom and I am quickly corrected that she is my older sister. She is amazing and I look up to the things she does. She is an awesome worker and I am told that she is the top and I am right under her. I learned early on that if there was ever anything I needed she would be there for me 24/7. She is a very caring person and we work very well as each others pyschiratists. She now saves a copay and just comes and talks to me. I am her social butterfly! She recently reminded me of the kind of person she is when I walked into work to a huge flower arrangement and a balloon saying thanks. Her father passed away and she had to go to CA in a rush so I took over her work for her. To me it was no big deal, and here I should of been the one sending her flowers and instead she was more worried about thanking me for helping her out. That just goes to show what kind of person I am working with.

So there you have it! In alphabetical order my best friends. It might just be a small handful but it's plenty for me!

PS: Now back to work! I had a small break between running around and decided to use it on blogging.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wish for one second I could be thoughtless.........

My mind has been running for weeks now. I have so many emotions and feelings about so many things. How do I figure out anything, when I don't have a clue where to start?

Sometimes I feel like I have a Jekyll and Hyde in my head. I know whats best for me, I know what I need to do, but I am constantly overthrown by the other side. It leads me to make destructive decisions at times, but that other voice is so convincing over the voice that knows what is right. I know and have seen the consequences to some of my actions, but how do I ignore the guilt that I deal with when I choose to do the right thing, I have more self doubt when I do the right thing over when I do the wrong thing. I think no matter how much I try, I will have to deal with this feeling in my head for the rest of my life because nothing has fixed it so far. I am left to decide what feels worse, dealing with the guilt of doing the right thing or doing the bad thing and the possible future consequences. I can't make either feeling go away.

And then theres my whole relationship. Nothing out of the ordinary has gone wrong, and actually it has been going good, but my mind can't keep ignoring the facts that I know and feel. I try to explain my feelings, but I have a better chance of getting a response out of a tree before he can explain his feelings. His reply is "Yep", one single word to a message where I pour my heart in soul into. But I know I can't make him into what I want him to be, and a good friend of mine was talking about his own relationship that just ended and when I told him "You can't make someone change unless they really want to" and his response was "But why is it fair for me to want someone to change to fit what I want." Very true and something I never thought of. Maybe I do know that, but for someone to call me out on it made me think differently about it. I am so lost. I get mixed emotions about different things, but when it comes down to it, it is only me that is influencing my thoughts. I feel like I need more, but maybe its selfish of me, why can't I be happy with what I have. All I know is that I hurt inside, my heart aches, and I am constantly looking for me. Maybe all this time it wasn't him, maybe it was me. Maybe I am why I feel this lost.

I feel guilty for what I have, I feel bad that I have a good job when others can't find work, I feel bad that I spent the money to get a pedicure when others don't have money for food. I am seriously drowning in my thoughts. I am overridden with guilt over everything and the fact that I am constantly searching for more. Why can't I be happy with what I have, I have a husband, a job, and home, and a steady paycheck. But I am constantly looking for ways that I can plan my future to make more money, contiplating my career, wishing he would change, I want a bigger house, and there are so many things that I just want with my life. Why can't I just settle for what I have instead of always wanting more. Then in the same breathe I try to talk myself down off the ledge and remind myself that nothing has ever been handed to me, I have worked hard and given up many things to get where I am today. I made decisions that were different then others, and still continue to. I have always worked hard for the money I make, choosen wisely where to spend it, and have always done my best to get a good education and push myself the hardest.

As you can tell, I am confused, I am lost, and I am loney. I know I am my own worst enermy, but sorting through the rubble to decide what is me and what I deserve and how far I should go, seems like a task beyond my capability. I just wish for once I can sit here, or lay in bed and think about NOTHING. Just turn my brain off and just sit quietly and just relax and be at peace with myself..........