Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Day 6

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot to you
2. Kenny
3. My Mom
4. Meagan
5. My best friends (There is 5 main ones so I couldn't leave them out!!!! :-) )
6. My family

Yup I cheated a little on this one! I can't pick and choose something like that!!!!

Now it's bed time. I have been missing out on alot of sleep so I am def ready to crawl in my bed!!!! Wish I could sleep in tomorrow, maybe the snow will make it possible for Thursday?!? I can only hope!!!!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Decision Making Has Never Been My Specialty

There are some things that I will never understand, the kind of things that hurt so deeply that it's hard to breathe. Why some people are still in my life and why some people were taken away. February is a tough month for me. It's been 5 years since Kevin has been gone this year and it will be a year since I lost my Uncle. On top of all the sadness that February already brings, I need to make some tough decisions. Decisions that can't be made over night, decisions that don't effect just me, decisions that will change so many things. Only I know the true answer to the questions I have and the choices that I have made and have to still make. But it's not easy and its not getting easier. But I am a strong person and I will get through whatever choices that I decide to make.

The question I need to ask myself is:

Is it worth holding onto something that was never truly there in the first place?

I have a feeling tonight will be another restless night. I just need to remind myself to breath and know that in the end everything will be alright.

Day 4..... and why I am at it day 5 too!

I guess I will pick up where I left off.....

Day 4. Seven things that cross your mind alot.

1. Money
2. Food
3. College
4. Cleaning.... yuck
5. My tootsie roll <3
6. Kenny
7. My best friends!

Day 5: Six things you wish you could change or wish you would have never done

1. I wish I would of never of given up my goals of being a dietician.
2. I wish I could change the size of my house!
3. I wish I worked closer
4. I wish I waited to have a wedding
5. I wish I could keep my house clean
6. I wish......................

Yay! I got two days done at once!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Day 3!

Day 3: Eight things you couldn’t live without
1. Black Eyeliner!!!!
2. Straightner
3. My cell phone
4. My computer
5. My best friends
6. My family
7. HAILEY!!!!
8. I guess a camera, even though I suck at uplaoding!!!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Day 2!

Day 2: Nine things about yourself that most people don’t know
1. I like to read.
2. I love hockey and played field hockey for a couple of years, would really like to do a drop in adult team.
3. I have 11 piercings and 3 tattoos
4. I love glitter and sparkles!
5. Shoes and purses are one of my weakness!
6. I like everything and anything stars.
7. I pretty much stick to just rock, alternative, and screamo music, some of my fav bands are Chevelle, Senses Fail and my teenage weakness New Found Glory!
8. My favorite colors are hot pink and lime green!
9. Love hot cars and trucks, especially going to shows. I have a lowered s10 blazer that will be bagged and painted one day.... one day! Also love going mudding on trails! Its an awesome rush to make a big splash in a huge mud puddle!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Challenge- Day 1!

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten people right now
Kenny- I don't think the world is ready for what I really would say to you, but it wouldn't matter because you wouldn't care even if you decided to listen. :-)

Meagan- My MeggiePoo! I love you so much, and when I feel like I have no one in the world, I always know you are there! We have crazy lives, but always manage to pick up right where we left off. I want everything to be perfect for you. I wish you weren't so hard on yourself! You are such an amazing person!

Toni- Toni, Toni, Toni! You have taught me everything I know! Now I am a "go to" person at work, I think you did that on purpose!You are my starbucks once a week buddy and my bffaw and my bffe. We are so much alike. You inspire me because I know, no matter what happens it will all work out. I think I am truely your daughter sometimes! We could def save money on co-pays with the amount we talk!

Heather- Even though you say you don't know what to say sometimes, just having someone there to listen is enough. You have been there for alot and I appreciate it. I think your past, no matter how hard it was, has turned you into the strong person you are today!

Amanda- I wish I could make everything easier for you! You have had one hell of a year and I hope you always know that I am here for you! I love your personality and humor! You are so sweet and such a goof sometimes! You are my favorite hair stylist and bang cutter ever. Keep your chin up girl!

Gina- Like I have been telling you for the past 2 weeks, we so got this! LOL we are going to do great!

Hailey- My little Haybee! You have no clue how much you mean to me! I love you so much and I want you to know that you can be anyone that you want to be! I hope you grow up confident and caring! You are so smart and so sweet! I can't wait to watch you grow up, but please take your time! Don't grow up too fast! You will always be my best friend! <3

Shandi- COME HOME! I miss you!!!! I hope you know that I will always be here for you! You will always be my Shady B!

Nameless- I have tried everything to be your friend, but I can't win you over. Personally I think you are the biggest bitch I know! Did I mention cold hearted?!? After the whole Christmas thing, I am not trying anymore. Hope you stay unhappy! :-)

Bryan- You have been my best friend since high school! Its so funny how much I disliked you in 11th grade, to the point I would almost change my driving school class! We have had so many good times! You have been there for me through alot and I will always heart you! We are lucky we both graduated and we didn't go to jail for some of the shit we did! I hope you and Caitlin are happy and everything works out! You should try picking the phone up sometime or maybe sending a text! Hint Hint!

Stolen from the Heathers!

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten people right now
Day 2: Nine things about yourself that most people don’t know
Day 3: Eight things you couldn’t live without
Day 4: Seven things that cross your mind a lot
Day 5: Six things you wish you could change or wish you would have never done
Day 6: Five people who mean a lot to you
Day 7: Four turn offs.Day 8: Three turn ons
Day 9: Two words that describe your life right now
Day 10: One confession

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Another weekend down...

Where does the weekend go?!? Seriously! I think it's over before it gets here! Now its 10:20 on Sunday, I still need to do laundry and get stuff ready for work. Boo! Another 5 days and it will be here again, I guess thats the bright side!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Flipping the switch, but where the hell is it?!?

This post is a little personal, but this is my blog and my place to put my thoughts into words. So here goes nothing……

So the last few years have I have dealt with depression and have managed with a cocktail of medications, but these last few months have been beyond an emotional roller coaster for me. I am so lost and disconnected with everything. I can't remember where I put anything, what I did, or what I am supposed to be doing. It's taken a lot out of me and I have a lot of days where I can't get out of bed ,which of course makes me feel worse about myself.

I have been seeing a therapist since November. She is amazing and can emphasize with a lot of things that I feel on a daily basis. She herself has dealt with a lot of the same things I deal with and feel each day. She said I am a pleaser. I put everyone’s opinions in front of mine because I don't want to upset anyone and far more importantly, I don't want anyone mad at me. I want everyone to like me and have a ton of friends. I feel my opinion doesn't matter and get walked all over all the time, and that’s okay as long as someone isn't mad or upset with me. I care to much about everyone. I am supposed to be learning to love myself. That's the first step to recovery. But how am I to love myself when I honestly don't even like myself. She says one day a switch will flip and I will realize who matters in my life and who doesn't and that no one else’s opinions should come in front of mine. I will still care about people, but I won't let them be more important than me. There is people in my life who have walked all over me, hurt me repeatedly, and insulted me, but I swallowed my pride and didn't stand up for myself because I feel like them being upset with me is way more painful than the way they have made me feel. No one knows how people's actions and words affect me. I understand that not everyone I meet will like me and I am reminded everyday by one certain person that no matter how hard I try, it won't change someone’s views or ways towards me. I can't understand why she doesn't like me, but it has become more painful to be rejected over and over, so I will rid her out of my life and stop trying. My therapist’s famous words are "You can't change other people, you can only change the way you react to them" and this is a perfect example.

I am also obsessive, in more ways than one, but I will just discuss one way. I am an over thinker and I will lay in bed all night worrying about if what I said hurt someone or if they are mad at me, and what people think about me. She pointed out that I need reassurance in everything I do. After looking into this, I realized she is completely correct! I feel that I need people to okay my decisions. I can't make a decision because I need someone to say it’s okay or agree with me. I also live in guilt over everything. I won't let myself be happy because if something makes me happy I think about how I don't deserve this because so and so is sitting home alone sad about something. I have guilt over things I can't change and things that are completely out of my hands.

I am also a control freak, not in the way that I want to run the show, but in the way that I can't deal with things that are not in my control. I feel as though I can't control anything in my life. Everything falls apart in front of me and I feel helpless because I can't fix it and I don't even feel like I can control my emotions. I just feel like everything spirals out of control all the time. I just want everything to be perfect and I want to feel loved and needed. These are major elements that affect me.

I hurt. My heart doesn't beat right because I have anxiety all the time. I have panic attacks that leave me a complete mess and that again I can't control. I don't sleep because I worry about everything. I am so tired of being tired and depressed. So where is this switch that will help me find myself and get my life on track? She can't tell me this, she said no one can, all she can tell me is that only I can find it and all the answers are within me. I have been digging and digging, but I can't find it! I want off this roller coaster! I know there is things that need to change in my life, but in order for these things to change people need to change. I can't make anyone change, they need to want to change, and clearly they don't want to. Is that an answer?

We decided that it was time for me to take a new path since clearly the one I have been traveling is just becoming self destructive. I made the first step by changing my major to Social Sciences. Yes it added a semester, but it’s something I want to do. I have given up so much of my dreams, but I decided that this was one I would pursue. I am going to take full time classes to graduate as fast as I can, to keep on track. I should graduate with my associates in Dec. 2011! Then I will transfer to University of Maryland University College, and get bachelors in psychology and possibly go on to a masters degree. I hope to one day get to my goal and be work with eating disorders. I was studying nutrition when things in life changed that path, so I want continue on the same path, but in a different direction. The problem with this is that the one person who is supposed to stand by me and push me, is completely against this. I don't need to get myself anymore upset, so I will stop right here with this subject.

I have been told baby steps, that’s what it takes. I want to change myself. I want to get better, feel good about myself and stop hurting. Baby steps is how I will learn to love myself first, baby steps will help me flip that switch, and baby steps is how I will find myself.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Lazy Days Drive Me Crazy!!!

Do you ever have those days where you can't get out of bed, and even worse you can't get motivated to do anything?!? Today was a day like that, and the sad part is I have been having them for like weeks. I have all sorts of good intentions and plans. I get pumped up to do them, but seem to never get them done! It drives me insane!!!

So today I finally ended up getting out of bed at like 12:30. What a waste of a day! Then I went out in the living room with Hailey and fixed us lunch and we ate. After that I layed on the couch. I pretty my dozed on and off and napped until like 5:30! Ahhhhh! So then I ended up getting up around 6 and making us dinner. I made myself do a load of dishes and some straightening. Hailey and I tried out my new Just Dance 2 game for the wii! It was fun, but I def won't be pulling that out when people are over!

So now I am sitting here typing this. I hope that I can get out of this funk that I am get myself moving to clean and get my house straight! I took tomorrow and Tuesday off from work to keep working on it! So wish me luck!!!!

Resolutions 2011

So it's a new year, which means time for changes. I am hoping this will be a "no bull shit" year for me, eliminating the people who hurt me over and over and doing me for once. I am constantly told I need to "love myself first". So I am going to keep that as a priority this year. This year I am going to do something different, instead of making a whole bunch of resolutions I won't be able to keep, I am going to make 3 big resolutions and then 12 small ones, one for every month. I am still trying to come up with those ones..... but I figured I would start it out now.


1. My first resolution is something I am going to stick with. I want to feel better about myself. In order to do this I am going to start a healthier lifestyle. My goal is to lose XX pounds. I am starting weight watchers again with a friend and this time we are going to stick to it! We will support each other and encourage. I also need to get fit, exercise, and work on my eating habits by incorporating healthy eating and an overall healthy lifestyle!

2. Eliminate the people who bring me down. I am easily hurt and easily walked all over. It is really affecting me and I need to change this. For once, I need to put my foot down and eliminate these people from my life, stick up for myself, and do what is best for me! This might surprise a few people who I might be talking about. Hopefully their resolution includes changes that will allow them to stay in my life. Time will only tell I guess.

3. Get my house clean and maintain it. This is a hard one for me because I have an extremely busy life and it seems like no help when it comes to these things. I took off some time from work to hopefully get things started. I can't live like this anymore; you would think we are borderline hoarders. I just haven't had time to clean and so it just all seems to stack up! So I have a year of mess in almost every room. I WILL get my house straight, and I will take the time to keep it that way!

Now for the small resolutions.....

1. Exercise at least 30 minutes a day for 3-5 days a week. (Jan.)
2. Drink 6-8 glasses of water each day. (Feb.)
3. Eat my fruit and vegetable servings each day (Mar.)
4. Complete my school work before the due date (Apr.)
12. Graduate with my associates in social science! (Dec.)

I still need to work on the rest of the smaller resolutions. I have some in mind, but I will have to decide which ones I want to stick to and do.

This year is a new year, with new challenges, and hopefully big rewards. I changed my major last year, which added an extra semester of schooling, so instead of 3 classes left, I now have 8. This means that I am going to have to take more classes then before and do two full time semesters to graduate. But I am determined to graduate with my associates in Dec. 2011! That is a major accomplishment for me! I am excited to see that happen!!!! Yay for 2011 and the changes that are coming!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

HELLO 2011!!!!!

So it's offically a new year! I am glady welcoming 2011 and the changes it will bring. I am already working on my resolutions. Hopefully I will post them later!

New years eve didn't go as planned exactly, but still turned out fun. The plan was to have a little "party" like we did last year. Of course the guest were just Kenny, Hailey and I, but hey! it's still a party right! Thursday I went to the party store and picked up some decorations, a balloon, and a party kit with hats and noise makers. So yesterday I spent the day fighting the crowds at the grocery stores. When I got home I went ahead and rolled up pigs in a blanket, made some crab dip, and got everything set up for our party. We made last minute plans to go out with one of my best friends and his girlfriend to the japanese steak house, we have been talking about going since June! Boy, did we pick the wrong night! We were told a 45 minute wait, which was close to about right. Then we got seated and two of the people we were seated with requested the head chef! Ughhhh! So we wait almost an hour and a half to get our food! Needless to say we were all getting grumpy. Our short dinner turned into a 3 hour adventure. Atleast it was with people I love and hardly ever get to see because one hardheaded boy WON'T ANSWER HIS PHONE!!! lol ::end tiny rant::. So we ended up getting home at like 10:30. So our party didn't happen. Maybe today it will happen! The menu consists of pigs in a blanket, crab dip, steamed shrimp, bacon chedar potato skins, chips with slasa and cheese, and green frozen party punch! Yummy!..... sorry, got side tracked, back to my story.... So we got home and watched TV and got our hats picked out. I made Kenny turn on the count down shows around 11:30, he was not happy at all, but come on this only comes once a year, Pawn Stars are on all the time!!! So we watched that and brought in the new year with lots of noise! Hailey enjoyed that part the most! Plus I got my new year kiss from both Hailey and Kenny! We celebrated the new year with an ice cream Sunday, since we didn't get to have our party food! Hailey was just fine with that lol!

So here is to 2011!!! I am going to make a lot of changes this year, hopefully for the best! Yay!!

Now to get off of here and think of some resolutions that I can actually keep!!!

Christmas Recap

Before I start my new post, let me continue my old post for a second. I will give you a quick run down of our Christmas. Christmas eve was very busy! Kenny and I were both off work which was nice. We went to one of our friends to drop his gift off around 2:30. We were at Kenny's Aunt's house around 3:30 for their family get together. It was very nice, yummy food as always, and there were faces there that we normally don't get to see. Hailey had a blast getting gifts from people. She is such a lucky little girl! We met Amanda at 5:15 to do her and Hailey's gift exchange and then we went to my Mom's house around 5:30. We ate dinner with them and then did my family gift exchange and then left so we could get to Kenny's dad's house since he was leaving bright and early to catch a flight. We visited with him for a bit and he gave Hailey her presents. Then at about 10 we rushed home to get cookies started, Hailey into bed, and the wrapping begun! Christmas morning was nice, we woke up whenever and took our time opening gifts. Hailey was so excited! Santa was good to her. We went to my Grandmother's for our traditional Christmas dinner around 3:30, amazing as always! Then we just spent the evening with my whole family! Sunday we relaxed for a while and then went and had dinner with Kenny's Mom.

So all and all it was a very nice Christmas! Hailey really had a blast and appreciated everything, even the smallest things like a slinky! She has been having a blast playing with all her toys! Shes so amazing! She has been asking when Santa is coming again! LOL she has alot of waiting to do!!!