Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wish for one second I could be thoughtless.........

My mind has been running for weeks now. I have so many emotions and feelings about so many things. How do I figure out anything, when I don't have a clue where to start?

Sometimes I feel like I have a Jekyll and Hyde in my head. I know whats best for me, I know what I need to do, but I am constantly overthrown by the other side. It leads me to make destructive decisions at times, but that other voice is so convincing over the voice that knows what is right. I know and have seen the consequences to some of my actions, but how do I ignore the guilt that I deal with when I choose to do the right thing, I have more self doubt when I do the right thing over when I do the wrong thing. I think no matter how much I try, I will have to deal with this feeling in my head for the rest of my life because nothing has fixed it so far. I am left to decide what feels worse, dealing with the guilt of doing the right thing or doing the bad thing and the possible future consequences. I can't make either feeling go away.

And then theres my whole relationship. Nothing out of the ordinary has gone wrong, and actually it has been going good, but my mind can't keep ignoring the facts that I know and feel. I try to explain my feelings, but I have a better chance of getting a response out of a tree before he can explain his feelings. His reply is "Yep", one single word to a message where I pour my heart in soul into. But I know I can't make him into what I want him to be, and a good friend of mine was talking about his own relationship that just ended and when I told him "You can't make someone change unless they really want to" and his response was "But why is it fair for me to want someone to change to fit what I want." Very true and something I never thought of. Maybe I do know that, but for someone to call me out on it made me think differently about it. I am so lost. I get mixed emotions about different things, but when it comes down to it, it is only me that is influencing my thoughts. I feel like I need more, but maybe its selfish of me, why can't I be happy with what I have. All I know is that I hurt inside, my heart aches, and I am constantly looking for me. Maybe all this time it wasn't him, maybe it was me. Maybe I am why I feel this lost.

I feel guilty for what I have, I feel bad that I have a good job when others can't find work, I feel bad that I spent the money to get a pedicure when others don't have money for food. I am seriously drowning in my thoughts. I am overridden with guilt over everything and the fact that I am constantly searching for more. Why can't I be happy with what I have, I have a husband, a job, and home, and a steady paycheck. But I am constantly looking for ways that I can plan my future to make more money, contiplating my career, wishing he would change, I want a bigger house, and there are so many things that I just want with my life. Why can't I just settle for what I have instead of always wanting more. Then in the same breathe I try to talk myself down off the ledge and remind myself that nothing has ever been handed to me, I have worked hard and given up many things to get where I am today. I made decisions that were different then others, and still continue to. I have always worked hard for the money I make, choosen wisely where to spend it, and have always done my best to get a good education and push myself the hardest.

As you can tell, I am confused, I am lost, and I am loney. I know I am my own worst enermy, but sorting through the rubble to decide what is me and what I deserve and how far I should go, seems like a task beyond my capability. I just wish for once I can sit here, or lay in bed and think about NOTHING. Just turn my brain off and just sit quietly and just relax and be at peace with myself..........

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