Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What's worse: holding on to the pain or pretending you have already let go?

Have you ever felt like you were just walking around pretending everything okay, when inside of you is tons of broken pieces that you have to be careful not to let slip out? I know that feeling, when you work so hard trying to hide the stuff that you want to forget, but things some how seem to slip through the cracks.

There's a lot of stuff I want to forget. There is issues I wish others would forget and move on. I bury the stuff that bothers me, where others holds onto and never gets over it. You can't change the past, you can only work with what is served. Try to look on the bright side, but there again when you are grasping so tightly to the past, you won't be able to see e bright side in things. This whole issue is something else I work hard on burying deep in the back of my mind. There is no point in asking why or why not because the cards have already been delt, now you learn to play with the new hand you have been given.

I wish many things were different, I wish people were in my life that aren't anymore. I wish I could let go of some of the people who are in my life that shouldn't be, but one step at a time I guess. I just bury it in the back and hope for the best.

The problem with hiding stuff, is you never know when it will come out. And when it does slip out, you never know how you are going to deal with it. Will you be able to hide it, or will you cry, or will you just be angry. Needless to say, you get over it and you shove it back in the dark spot along with the memory of this new event and the pain you felt.

I have been hurt, I have done hurtful things, I've lost loved ones, I've watched loved ones suffer, I have made poor decisions, I deal with the demons that follow me as a haunting reminder of these decisions, I have things I wish I have said or done, and things I wish I hadn't. But in the end of the day I will bury it deep in the back of my mind and put a smile on and pretend that I don't hurt and that I am not as broken as I really am. I will let the people who have helped me get this way continue to break me because it will just be another piece that I will shove in my dark spot and hope that no one will see.

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