Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Because sometimes it's just too much to keep inside.

I think I finally have hit rock bottom with myself lately. I have been trying to hold my head up and tell myself that it is okay, but honestly it isn't. I am unhappy and the biggest thing I am unhappy with is with myself. I am disgusted by myself. I am disgusted by the way I look. I am disgusted by my body. I absolutely hate looking in the mirror because I hate how I look and how I feel. When I look in the mirror all I see is the double chin and how fat my cheeks are getting. I see how large my arms are and the roll over my elbow. I see my gut and the rolls on my back. It is not a pretty sight at all. The sad part is that I am not even at my heaviest. How did I let it get this far? And how have I not noticed?

I've been struggling with self worth lately and I believe the way I look and feel play a huge part in it. I am embarrassed to go anywhere and to be seen. I don't want my picture taken because each time reminds me that I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere in this world and it's been something that's been weighing super heavy lately. I think my self esteem plays a huge part in this and I've really have taken a step back away from people because I hate feeling that all eyes are on me and how I look. And believe me, everyone has their flaws and I know people don't always pay attention to appearance, but let's get real we are a vein society even if it is subconsciously. I don't want to be the fat friend or the fat wife. I don't want to embarrass my daughter when I go to school. I don't want people to look down on me and think I am fat and lazy. I don't want people to watch what I eat or wonder what someone is thinking when I order food or am in the grocery store. This morning the baby woke up early and I asked Kenny to feed her so I could get a little more sleep before getting ready for work and out of anger he yells "you are just so f*cking lazy!". I should have just ignored it, but at a time where I am feeling so venerable it destroyed me and made me feel even more worthless. The sad thing is that he probably won't even remember saying it because he was still half asleep, but I have been up since 3:30 and it's all I have thought about.

I try, believe me, I try so hard to lose weight and to be healthier person! But food is how I have always dealt with things. It's my addiction. It's something that my brain thinks about when I am mad, sad, stressed, happy, and bored. I am not even a snacker or a picker, I am a full on binge eater. My weight is something that I have always dealt with but handled differently when I was younger. All through high school I struggled really bad. I am big boned so no matter how much I starved myself sick, to the point I was skin and bones I could not get past a size 7 jeans. I wanted to be a size zero so badly. My hips just wouldn't let it happen. I went through periods of starvation where my every waking thoughts resolved around food. I stuck to 500 calories a day with a goal to work those calories off. I kept journals hidden and I took every diet pills known to man, a lot of times mixing different ones to get the maximum effects, to help give me the energy that my body was missing and to even function to get me through the school day. Every Saturday I was allowed to eat what I wanted and I would gorge myself with food until I was sick and I think this was where my problems began. My brother had almost died in a car accident (actually he did twice) and had a long road of recovery and my family wasn't handling the news and the reality of the situation very well. Clearly my issues raised some flags at home and with my friends so I had to change my ways. That's when I figured out how to be able to have my cake and eat it too without the gain. I would still binge daily, but this time I found out that purging was the way I could fix this terrible habit. This was something I did for years, I made myself sick multiple (sometime 6 or 7) times a day. I was able to eat and stay skinny. It was my secret and my way to deal with everything going on. Sounds awesome right? WRONG! It destroys your body. There was times where I truly thought I would die during the process because my heart felt like it would explode. I would black out on the bathroom floor. I look back now and see the damage that I have done and now am suffering with because of it. It became my new way of dealing with things, but I decided when I became pregnant with Hailey that this unhealthy habit had to stop. It was hard, but I stopped it. Believe me it's something that lives in the back of my head, but 5 years of doing something can do that to you!

The problem is that I stopped purging which means that I still binged to deal with my emotions and the weight quickly packed on, even though I was only doing it here and there. I worked so hard on resolving the pattern that I was using to correct the problem, but never dealt with the problem of binge eating. I know how to eat and what needs to be done to lose weight. I have done it and dropped the pounds over and over again, just to gain it back in the end. I end up feeling crazy and needing to eat everything in sight. It's a feeling of no control and it sucks so bad because it makes me feel so much worse with myself. I can work so hard through the week, but I hit a spot where I just need to eat something, then I feel as if I have just messed up and that everything had now gone to shits so I end up ruining all the progress I have done. I have started tracking my binges. In fact I am double tracking in both MFP and WW online data base. I feel this is a positive step because now I am acknowledging them instead of just sweeping it under the rug, but it's not solving the problem. This past week I have been stressing with a lot so I have been have been having a lot of out of control eating especially at night time. Tomorrow is my weigh in and I am pretty positive that I have gained weight and I am guessing probably about 5lbs for the week.

It's a terrible process and it's taking a huge toll on my life. I feel horrible about myself and the way I look. I feel like I am less of a person because I am fat and out of shape. I feel like I am a bad person because I feel so out of control. I have these moments of out of control feelings because I am depressed. It's like this vicious little cycle. I feel as though I am at my bottom and at my worse. That's got to mean something, right? That's got to mean that I am ready to face these problems and make changes that I need, right? I see everyone else's motivation and am so proud of their success, but why can't I do the same. I am hoping this is may be my game changer and maybe it will be my turn now because really there is no where else to go, right? This weekend Kenny and I had an awesome time at Niagara Falls. It is something I have never done. Before starting our adventure we stopped through the welcome center. There was this little prop you could stand next to and take pictures. I made Kenny do it and then he grabbed my camera and said it was my turn. After he took the pictures I looked back through them and saw the way I looked in it. For the rest of the time I kept thinking about how I looked and hoping no one else noticed me and thinking how embarrassed Kenny must be of me. I just want to be able not to worry about things like that and to enjoy my life and be for once be proud of the person I am instead of sitting in the background hoping not to be seen.

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