So it's been awhile since I last posted! Not sure what happened, I guess I have just been busy with everything and forgot about it......so hopefully I can start back up since I have unforgotten about it now. hehe

Soooooo let's see what has been going on since I last posted......hmmmmm.........

I guess you can say that February and March flew by for me. My days are pretty repetitive. Get up, leave for work by 5:15, get to work by 7, leave her at 4, and go pick Hailey up at 6, get home by 7 (unless we stop), and then spend the evening getting ready to do it all again the following day! I also am holding a full time school schedule this time with 4 classes. I currently have A's in every class, which is something I struggle with normally. I have always done good in school, but these past few semesters have screwed me up with Economics and Math classes. YUCK! So it's nice to feel confident. Also I haven't been as stressed with the whole school thing. Believe me, I still put in alot of time and effort, but it's just going so much easier this time around. I have 4 more weeks left of this semester and one more semester left after that! This Fall I am going to have to take 4 more classes, and then should graduate with my Associates in Social Sciences in December. This is something I have worked really hard for. I have played with different majors, but always seemed to get discouraged or off track with them. I don't like business, so I made the choice for myself to change that. Before I had Hailey I was studying to be a dietitian in Baltimore. Few people, and I mean very few, know my past and what pushed me to want to do that major, but unfortunately after having Hailey that fell out of the picture. I still have a strong interest in nutrition (ask me anything, I am sure I can answer pretty much most of your questions and give an accurate round about answer to the nutrients in any food, obsessive you ask? Absolutely :)! ). With Social Sciences under my belt, I will move to UMUC and go for my degree in Psychology. I hopefully will make it up to get my Masters degree, but let me just focus on grabbing my associates as of now. My end point of where I want to be is working with eating disorders and being a specialist in that field. I told Kenny one night that deep down in my heart I know I was put here to help people through their struggles. I am going to saves lives one day. My life has a purpose, just getting to that goal is the only thing holding me back, but I know I can do anything I put my mind too.

In January I started weight watchers program again. This is something I have done on and off for years, but this time I made the determination and am sticking to it! I have lost 17.4 pounds so far, and am trying my hardest to push forward. This is week 13 and I have had no slip ups, no falling off track, and I have held myself accountable for everything I have placed in my mouth, which is something I have failed with in the past. I track and write down EVERYTHING I eat! I make sure that I have 2-3 servings of dairy, 3-5 or more servings of fruits and veggies, lean protein, a multivitamin, healthy oils, and I drink on average 8-10 8oz glasses of water. I am kicking major butt at this! I have been frustrated the past three weeks because I have gained here, lost very little there, and gained more. That's frustrating when you are working so hard, but I continue to move forward and carry on. My goal is to get to -25lbs by my Birthday which is 5 weeks away. I am hoping with all my heart I will get there! I am definitely working towards it!

Another thing I have added in that journey is a gym membership. I have had gym memberships in the past and have not always stuck to going, that's why I was hesitant about getting into another contract, but this is different this time also. I have been pushing myself to go 3-5 times a week. The past 12 weeks I have been doing videos at home and using the wii as my source of activity, so being able to do classes and interact with people is nice. I don't have any gym friends really, but maybe I will meet people along the way. Hailey enjoys going because she can play in the daycare center with other kids. I am glad she gets to meet people and unwind while I work off alot of stress. I feel great about myself when I come out of there. I have been working with a trainer who has been helping me work on routines. Believe me he is tough! And some of the classes I have been doing leave me sore for days. I have been working up a sweat and really busting my butt 1-2 hours a day lately. Today I decided I needed a day off. Yesterdays workout with the trainer was hard and my arms are super sore. To be honest though, I like when I am sore the next day because it reminds me what muscles I have worked and that I have worked hard. It gives me sense of accomplishment.

So I have been doing alot to change myself physically and make myself feel better. I still go to a therapy session every other week to work on my issues and talk out how I feel. I need to be working on making decisions of what I want and figuring out what is best for myself and Hailey. This is hard to decide when I am always asking "what if".  She said it's my biggest problem. The fear of change and the unknown are overwhelming. I have just been carrying on though, trying to block it out of my head, but my mind is a wreak as I bounce back and forth constantly. "If you don't like something change it, if you can't change it then change your attitude". This is something that I am left with thinking about all the time. There is so many things I would change in my life, but those things are more about changing people and that is one thing that I have learned you can't change. I wish I could change my feelings and emotions. Get rid of the constant anxiety, I didn't use to be like this. I have always over cared about people, but not to the extent that I do now. I have a hard time deciding who I want in my life and who I don't. But these questions I have are only something I can answer for myself, but it's hard to find answers when you pretend the questions don't exist. This whole topic still needs work, but hopefully by working on myself and finding out how to and what it means to love myself, the answers will become clearer to me.

I have one big accomplishment that I want to share though! This past Sunday I did my first 5K for the National Kidney Association. Yay me! It would of been 100% no problem, but it was all hills! Ahhhhh talk about a workout especially while pushing a stroller! I felt good about doing it and being able to be there for a friend who means so much to me. No one will ever know what she has gone through in her journey, but to be there and help support her when she needs it was all that mattered to me. What I was diagnosed with last year is a form of kidney disease since it effects the arteries in them, so I also did this to help fund research for people who are suffering because even though my form is nothing compared to what other people have suffered, it is something that will effect me for the rest of my life.

Also this weekend I went to the Cherry Blossom festival in DC, which is my first time ever going. It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed walking around looking at everything! I bought Hailey a plush beaver named Paddles (which she renamed Color because his fur changes color when you rub it different ways, she is so silly!) to remember her first time there! I am so glad we got to experience that together and enjoy it. I also loved the company that we went with! <3

So now I need to go back to work, lunch is over now. Might as well get things done while I have a job for sure. I hate this waiting game, especially when the news announced today was that we are one step closer to a government shut down. Like we have been all told "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worse." Ughhhh talk about stress!

Day 6

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot to you
1. HAILEY
2. Kenny
3. My Mom
4. Meagan
5. My best friends (There is 5 main ones so I couldn't leave them out!!!! :-) )
6. My family

Yup I cheated a little on this one! I can't pick and choose something like that!!!!

Now it's bed time. I have been missing out on alot of sleep so I am def ready to crawl in my bed!!!! Wish I could sleep in tomorrow, maybe the snow will make it possible for Thursday?!? I can only hope!!!!

Decision Making Has Never Been My Specialty

There are some things that I will never understand, the kind of things that hurt so deeply that it's hard to breathe. Why some people are still in my life and why some people were taken away. February is a tough month for me. It's been 5 years since Kevin has been gone this year and it will be a year since I lost my Uncle. On top of all the sadness that February already brings, I need to make some tough decisions. Decisions that can't be made over night, decisions that don't effect just me, decisions that will change so many things. Only I know the true answer to the questions I have and the choices that I have made and have to still make. But it's not easy and its not getting easier. But I am a strong person and I will get through whatever choices that I decide to make.

The question I need to ask myself is:

Is it worth holding onto something that was never truly there in the first place?

I have a feeling tonight will be another restless night. I just need to remind myself to breath and know that in the end everything will be alright.

Day 4..... and why I am at it day 5 too!

I guess I will pick up where I left off.....

Day 4. Seven things that cross your mind alot.

1. Money
2. Food
3. College
4. Cleaning.... yuck
5. My tootsie roll <3
6. Kenny
7. My best friends!

Day 5: Six things you wish you could change or wish you would have never done

1. I wish I would of never of given up my goals of being a dietician.
2. I wish I could change the size of my house!
3. I wish I worked closer
4. I wish I waited to have a wedding
5. I wish I could keep my house clean
6. I wish......................

Yay! I got two days done at once!

Day 3!

Day 3: Eight things you couldn’t live without
1. Black Eyeliner!!!!
2. Straightner
3. My cell phone
4. My computer
5. My best friends
6. My family
7. HAILEY!!!!
8. I guess a camera, even though I suck at uplaoding!!!

Day 2!

Day 2: Nine things about yourself that most people don’t know
1. I like to read.
2. I love hockey and played field hockey for a couple of years, would really like to do a drop in adult team.
3. I have 11 piercings and 3 tattoos
4. I love glitter and sparkles!
5. Shoes and purses are one of my weakness!
6. I like everything and anything stars.
7. I pretty much stick to just rock, alternative, and screamo music, some of my fav bands are Chevelle, Senses Fail and my teenage weakness New Found Glory!
8. My favorite colors are hot pink and lime green!
9. Love hot cars and trucks, especially going to shows. I have a lowered s10 blazer that will be bagged and painted one day.... one day! Also love going mudding on trails! Its an awesome rush to make a big splash in a huge mud puddle!

Challenge- Day 1!

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten people right now
Kenny- I don't think the world is ready for what I really would say to you, but it wouldn't matter because you wouldn't care even if you decided to listen. :-)

Meagan- My MeggiePoo! I love you so much, and when I feel like I have no one in the world, I always know you are there! We have crazy lives, but always manage to pick up right where we left off. I want everything to be perfect for you. I wish you weren't so hard on yourself! You are such an amazing person!

Toni- Toni, Toni, Toni! You have taught me everything I know! Now I am a "go to" person at work, I think you did that on purpose!You are my starbucks once a week buddy and my bffaw and my bffe. We are so much alike. You inspire me because I know, no matter what happens it will all work out. I think I am truely your daughter sometimes! We could def save money on co-pays with the amount we talk!

Heather- Even though you say you don't know what to say sometimes, just having someone there to listen is enough. You have been there for alot and I appreciate it. I think your past, no matter how hard it was, has turned you into the strong person you are today!

Amanda- I wish I could make everything easier for you! You have had one hell of a year and I hope you always know that I am here for you! I love your personality and humor! You are so sweet and such a goof sometimes! You are my favorite hair stylist and bang cutter ever. Keep your chin up girl!

Gina- Like I have been telling you for the past 2 weeks, we so got this! LOL we are going to do great!

Hailey- My little Haybee! You have no clue how much you mean to me! I love you so much and I want you to know that you can be anyone that you want to be! I hope you grow up confident and caring! You are so smart and so sweet! I can't wait to watch you grow up, but please take your time! Don't grow up too fast! You will always be my best friend! <3

Shandi- COME HOME! I miss you!!!! I hope you know that I will always be here for you! You will always be my Shady B!

Nameless- I have tried everything to be your friend, but I can't win you over. Personally I think you are the biggest bitch I know! Did I mention cold hearted?!? After the whole Christmas thing, I am not trying anymore. Hope you stay unhappy! :-)

Bryan- You have been my best friend since high school! Its so funny how much I disliked you in 11th grade, to the point I would almost change my driving school class! We have had so many good times! You have been there for me through alot and I will always heart you! We are lucky we both graduated and we didn't go to jail for some of the shit we did! I hope you and Caitlin are happy and everything works out! You should try picking the phone up sometime or maybe sending a text! Hint Hint!