Monday, August 11, 2014

The Time Has Come.......

Today is the day that I have been dreading for the past 8 weeks. The day that I would have to get up before the sun comes out and leave my babies. Last week was hard, I cried most every night, but when last night hit, it was like I was numb. I just kept going and going trying to get everything ready and in order for starting back to work and the girls going to the sitters. I packed Hailey's lunch and snacks and wrote a little note on her napkin in her lunch box, like I do on the few rare occasions I get to pack her school lunch. I did a load of laundry and some dishes. Before I knew it, it was bed time and I had felt like I had run out of time. The girls were both asleep and I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself. So I got in bed and just watched Emily sleep wishing that they would stay this little forever.
This morning, I got up and going easier then I thought. I am tired, but I am not overly tired. The hardest part was leaving the house, putting the key in the ignition and going down the driveway. Hailey was awake when I left and I hugged her and told her how much I would miss her. She told me she didn't want me to go back to work and I told her I didn't want to go anywhere either. As I was about to head down the steps to leave I said "I'll be thinking about you all day" and in the sweetest sleepy voice she said "and I'll be thinking about you."
Once I got to work, before I even turned on my computer, I went through my pictures I had gotten and taped them up on my cabinets. It's a nice mix of Emily and Hailey now. And then I washed off my dry erase board with my weekly count down to Emily I had done since I was 8 weeks pregnant. I've been okay today for the most part. It's a weird feeling though. Like I am not as upset as I thought I would be, but I honestly think it's going to get harder as each day goes on. My heart is still thinking that this is something different for just today and tomorrow will go back to how it has been, even though my brain knows this will be the new normal.
I am anxious of how tonight will go when I get there to pick them up. I know Hailey will be excited. but how will Emily react? Will she smile and be happy to see my familiar face again or will she just act as though she didn't even notice I was gone all day. It's just sad. I've invested so much time in keeping track of every careful detail of her day. I know when she eats, sleeps, poops, and gets a new diaper. It's feels strange not knowing what she is doing or what needs to be done when I get home. When will she need her next bottle? Will she be tired or did she nap all day?
I think one of the hardest parts of being a working Mom is that you are constantly wishing away time. I look at the clock frequently throughout the work day wishing it was time to go. Then I sit in traffic wishing I was home already. Then each day I am wishing it was Friday or the weekend. And before you know it, it is time to go home, I am home, and it is the weekend. And then one day you wake up and realize that you have an almost 7 year old and that you missed out on so much. Instead you spent so much time away from home, wishing away time, that the days, weeks, and months have flew by. Emily is 2 months today and where has time gone? At least these last two months I have had a full summer with the girls, seeing all those moments, watching TV together, going outside, and taking our time walking through the stores looking around. Never once did I wish it was a certain time or day. Now I am just back to wishing away my time during the day so I can be back home with them. Then when I do get home I will be rushing around to get everything done for the next day and it will be bedtime. Before I know it these months will be gone too.
I know I should be grateful for what I have. I do have a really good job that I am good at. I catch on really easy and am knowledgeable and respected among my co-workers. I have money to pay my bills and extra to do things for myself or for my kids from time to time. I talk and interact with people every day. I know these are all things that my SAHM friends all miss, but I would give anything to be home right now, or tomorrow, or even if I KNEW that it was in my near future. But for now I am going to sit here looking at my emails from the past two months and thinking about my girls and wishing it was time to go.
Even Emily was sad at the thought of Mommy leaving
(or it may have been the fact her little head was getting rained on by my tears) 

1 comment:

  1. It will get better I promise. I have been back at it for year and it's not so bad. I find myself rushing home to see my littles and that make my day even better.