Monday, August 4, 2014

It's so hard.....

It's hard to believe that on Wednesday Emily will be 8 weeks old. I feel like time is just flying by and it makes me so sad. With her turning 8 weeks means that I will be heading back to work next Monday. I can't even try to pretend my heart isn't breaking at the thought. I knew that I would be going back when I was pregnant, but I never knew it would be this hard or that I would be this attached.

When I had Hailey I had a hard time bonding with her. Believe me, I loved her but I felt like we were strangers. I dealt with post partum depression pretty bad and it made it hard to connect with her. This time is the opposite. I am so consumed with Emily that I can't sleep at night because I just want to watch her. I worry about her every move and if I am missing something when she cries. Maybe there is something wrong I'm not seeing. I am constantly worry and obsessing that I'm doing things wrong. I track every ounce she drinks and every diaper she has. And this time around instead of me not bonding with the baby, I feel as though she might not be connected to me as much as I am to her. I know it sounds crazy but it's constantly in my thoughts.

After talking with my doctor, she said it sounds like I again am going through postpartum depression. She went ahead and bumped up my medicine but it's not making my anxiety or depression any better. I'm hoping that since I recognize it this time that maybe I can deal better with it then I did after I had Hailey.

While I was pregnant with Emily, we thought we had figured everything out when it came to childcare. Kenny's schedule was 4 days a week working 2pm to 12am with every Thursday through Saturday off. We decided to ask our neighbor if she would be interested in watching Emily 3 days a week for about 6 hours a day. Kenny would have her the rest of the time. But Kenny's job has changed and so has his schedule. He's back to Monday through Friday working days. Now we are back to needing childcare 5 days a week for at least 8 hours a day. This again is something weighing on me heavily. I trust my neighbor and think she's an awesome Mom to her children, but now I feel like someone else is raising my babies.

I feel so inadequate as a mother. I feel like I have failed because I can't be there for them. I can't be there for Hailey to get her on the bus in the mornings. I can't do her hair for her or make sure the outfit I have laid out for her looks right on her or fits properly. I can't get her off the bus and hear about her day and help her with her homework. I won't be there when Emily wakes up for her morning bottle. Every morning when I wake up to her fussing, she's starring up at me and smiles when I look at her. Will Kenny hear her in the morning when she cries? What will she think when I'm not there. And what about her first laugh, her first time sitting, the first time she pulls herself up or takes her first step or crawls? Will I be there for those or will they happen at the baby sitters? And of course what if Emily doesn't understand that I'm her mommy? What if she likes Katie better then me? I know I sound crazy but these are things I can't stop thinking about and worrying about.

The entire time I was on leave I've searched for jobs and ways to be able to stay home or work from home. I commute more then 4 hours a day. I ride a vanpool so if an emergency were to happen,  I would have to find a way home and it would be at least two hour before I can get there. All these thoughts have taken a toll on me. And I can't count how many times people have questioned why I can't stay home and told me if i really wanted to then we could find a way to make it work. Believe me I've thought of ways we could make it work. In fact it went so far that I was told I could draw out of a trust fund, that I won't have access to until the age of 65, to pay off my bills so I could stay at home. Kenny has told me multiple times that if I feel so strongly that we will make it work and how he wants me to stay home, but in the next breath he said there is no way. After going through our finances, looking at our utilities and creating spreadsheets to for budgets there is no way it's possible and in fact according to my calculations we can't even afford to pay daycare either. It's like a cruel joke, can't afford to stay home but can't afford to work either.  I stayed up until 2 am just starring at it all. I've gotten my hopes up more then a few times in the past couple weeks but now it's more obvious that it's not going to happen.

So now I'm left counting down the days. I'm trying so hard to enjoy my last week with the girls but it's hard when I feel so sad and broken inside. I knew it was going to come but I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. I feel like I'm the only mom out of all my friends who works full time. I recieved a text the other night from a friend saying she just wanted to share with me that she put her two weeks notice in to stay at home with her boys. As happy as I was for her, I was crushed. I wish it was me. I wish I could be telling someone that. Its just not fair! Huff. As you can tell, I'm a big pile of emotional mush. You might think I'm crazy or overreacting, but I can't help the way I feel and I don't expect anyone to completely understand. Kenny keeps telling me there is no use in crying about it, but I'm allowed to be sad, mad, and plain old angry. And now I have a new baby and a taste of staying at home and really bonding with my girls. I have fallen in love with it. I have applied to 3 jobs locally that I am praying I hear something from. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if I worked closer? So maybe there is hope in the near future, but until then I'm going to try to do my best to enjoy the last week home with the girls.

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