Atleast It's Friday......

I am not exactly sure whats been up the last week or two, but I have just been down in the dumps big time. I am anxious and sad and just exhausted. There's not one particular thing that has been bothering me, but a whole bunch of little things.........

It's kind of like I don't know where I stand anymore. I am kind of beside myself in all aspects of my life. Work hasn't had any major issues, but it's like there is something missing. Maybe I am not feeling appreciated, sometimes a simple thank you or recognition goes a long way. We normally get a tiny close out bonus for busting our butts so much at the end of the fiscal year, but the front office decided they didn't want to do it this year. I have done countless last minute projects for people and a lot of time now I don't even get a quick thank you email back. It's hard because I travel really far for work and I have been trying to leave anywhere between 4:15am and 5:30am. But I have been having a hard time getting up and going. I just have to be in by 7:00am because I won't be able to pick Hailey up from aftercare on time. My commute normally runs me 2 to 2 and a half hours on a normal day, but it took close to four hours a few Friday's ago. I think it all is just starting to wear on me big time, but it's a good job and I make decent money, so it's hard to find a job like it closer to where I live.

Money has been killing me. I have never felt so helpless. I am literally sitting in a ton of debt with school, and moving, gas, and Hailey's birthday and not to mention Hailey's school. I didn't have enough money to pay my car payment this paycheck like I should have, so I spent the last couple days trying to find everything I could to take back to the stores, and canceling things like Netflix. Yeah it's only $8 a month, but that $8 could go towards childcare. I finally got enough to make the payment on the day it was due. It screwed me up because switching utilies when we moved changed my billing dates. Comcast normally comes out the 30th of each month, but now it comes out the 6th. So I just paid it in August and got hit with it 2 weeks later. And then I had to pay for Hailey's aftercare up front in August when I signed her up, well it came out again today! After calling around and leaving voicemails and playing phone tag, I finally got the answer that it charges a month ahead of schedule. So I just paid Octobers. Kenny has no advice to offer when it comes to this stuff, his suggestion was to not take Hailey to dance, but that wasn't right. I feel bad enough I had to use her Birthday money for her dance shoes. She has had a ton of adjustment and even though its for the better, it's not easy on her. She liked dance, so I wanted her to be able to do something she likes. So my only solution is to apply for part time jobs. I can't work during the week since Kenny works nights, but I can work after work of Fridays, all day Saturdays, and an early shift Sunday before Kenny leaves for work. I applied at Ulta, Charming Charlies, and seasonal help at Target and Kohls. I still need to apply at foodlion. I figure every bit helps, especially with the holidays coming up! I know it will get better, and probably next month I will be able to get back on my feet some, but it's been stressful feeling this way and not knowing what to do!

My summer classes ended on the same day my fall classes started. I have been trying to keep up with them, but I am struggling with staying motivated. It just seems so much harder for some reason then normal. Luckily I have been getting the work done and keeping a float, the last thing I need is to fail a class. I am doing two right now, another one starts in two weeks and the day that the first two end I'll begin taking another two classes. At least my teachers seem decent this time!

And finally I have just been struggling with myself......BIG TIME! I am so unhappy with how I look and feel. I believed with all my heart that moving would allow me to get a brand new start, but the stress from the move didn't help the situation. Being between two houses in August didn't help, because I turned to fast food for most my dinners because I didn't want to keep food in either refridgerators when we kept swtiching back and forth. September 1st came and I decided that would be my big change, but I had an AWFUL weekend and it was extremely emotional, so that didn't work either! I am so uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I dyed my hair dark for a change. I normally do dark with highlights, when I do go dark, but this time since I didn't have the money to get my hair done, I just bought a dark dye and did it myself. It's not bad, but I don't like it. It washes me out. And now I haven't had the money to get it highlighted so atleast it would look a little better! I bought a box of bleach and a cap, so we shall see. Maybe I will do my own highlights this weekend.

I have just been struggling with a lot lately. Like I said, not big deals, just minor bumps in the road. I have been struggling with relationships with Kenny, my family, and my friends. I need to figure out how to get myself back on track. Maybe if I start feeling better about myself, everything will all begin to fall into place. Who knows! Maybe I just need a weekend to rest! This is the last weekend before the pool closes, so even though Kenny said we have to unpack, I told him that we will be going swimming in the afternoon after we spend time unpacking.

On the bright side...... I have been cooking dinner most nights, so that has been nice to play with recipes, even though I eat the same thing over and over!

Hope everyone has a good weekend! Next week I hope I will be back to myself and in better spirits!

Hailey goes to Kindergarten!

So before I start, I have pictures that still need to be uploaded of Hailey's first day! So hopefully that will come in a post tonight! (PS: Yes I also remember that I am supposed to upload Birthday pictures too!)

So let's rewind to last Monday August 20th.

Monday was open house. We had to be there at 9am. This was a whole school event so they split it up by last names, so we were in the first session. This is the day we went to meet Hailey's teacher and drop off all her supplies. She was super excited and proudly carried her bag of school stuff into the school. We found the classroom and both her and I were very excited to see it was decorated with frogs! Yay, another frog lover! Her teacher's name is Mrs. Durham. She's a middle aged/ slightly older lady, but she seemed very nice. There was about ten other kids in the room. We got to peak around and Hailey was told to find her cubby box to put her supplies in and then go find here seat. At her table there was special surprise of a new froggie pencil and a mini thing of M&Ms. My surprise was her daily folder with some stuff to fill out and read. I honestly love reading all the stuff and filling it out. We then headed out and looked around at some of the displays in the cafeteria. Then headed out.

Tuesday morning I woke Hailey up at 7:10am to get ready. She quickly ate her breakfast and then got dressed. She didn't want me to do her hair, but I told her that I hardly ever get the chance to be off when she goes to school, so I wanted to do it for her. She can wear her hair down for the rest of the school year since Kenny doesn't like doing hair (guys! sheesh!). So she decided on two pig tails! So then I packed her hello kitty lunch box and her hello kitty book bag. Then of course I wanted to take pictures! Lot's of pictures! Then we headed out to the bus! The bus came at 8:20 and Hailey excitedly got on and waved to both Kenny and I from the window! I couldn't wait to hear about her day!

So since I was off all week, I scheduled as many appointments as I could! I had an appointment in Waldorf, so after she left I headed off to that. Then I went to spend some time with Heather and catch each other up on our lives! I left there around 4. I decide that since Hailey will be int he YMCA aftercare at the school each day, I would let her go even though I was home. I didn't want to confuse the whole bus ride home thing with her while I was off. So it was easier to just have her go for like an hour and pick her up each day like she will do the rest of the year. Now I am driving, jamming to the music on the way home, and my cell phone rings. It's a 540 area code which I knew was a Virginia one in the area we live in. So I answered and it was the lady in the front office from Hailey's school. It is now 4:20pm and she introduces herself and then tells me that Hailey's name is on the roster for the YMCA aftercare program, and then she goes on and asks if this is correct. This is not a good sign! So I confirm that is where she should be, then she was like "well we put her on her bus to go home".................. this wouldn't be a huge problem IF I WAS HOME! So I tell her that I am not there, that I am still over an hour away and Hailey is supposed to be dropped off at the afternoon stop at 4:02. So where is she?!? So the lady said she would "try to locate her" and that she didn't think that the driver would let her off if no one was there and asked if I could have a neighbor check just to be sure.....I guess this wouldn't be an issue, but we don't know any neighbors! So I tell her that, and she tells me that she would try to get ahold of transportation and try to locate the bus and see if she had been dropped off. Now is when I start to panic. My nice drive made a 180 fast, now the music is silenced and I am speeding to try to get home faster. So about 15 minutes go by and I get a phone call back. The lady is now relieved and tells me that the driver didn't let Hailey off and is finishing up her route and would be bringing her back to school. The whole time my heart was aching thinking of poor Hailey crying on the bus, scared that I had left her or forgotten her.

So I finally get to school and pick her up and she was perfectly fine! She didn't even seemed phased at all by it. She was excited to tell me about her day! She had a good day, decided she wasn't going to be shy and she made new friends! She said she cried a few times because she wanted me, but she had had a really good day! I was glad to hear that!

Wednesday- We got up, got ready, she got on the bus, then around 5:30 I went and picked her up. Apparently she had a harder day and cried almost the whole time in aftercare. Again she told me that it was because she missed me and wanted me.

Thursday- Same thing as yesterday but she cried when she was getting on the bus, but the big change was when I get to pick her up at aftercare she was crying. Apparently she cried the whole day and the whole time in aftercare. Again she told me that she just really wanted me and needed me. This is unusual because Hailey is 100% a daddy's girl! I am usually pushed to the side. So we go home and talk about the day. Her whole tone is different and she asks if she has to go back to school anymore. I asked her if anyone was mean to her and she said no. I asked her if the teacher yells or is mean, and she said she liked the teacher a lot and she is really nice. I just don't get it. Then I go to grab her daily folder and there is a note from the teacher in there. She said Hailey had a very rough day and cried the whole day because she wanted her mommy. She took her out of the class and walked her around the halls a bit, then went to the nurse to get some ice water. The teacher said she allowed her to sit in her lap and gave her lots of hugs and it seemed to help a little. My poor tootsie roll! Then when bedtime came, it got way worse. Hailey is the type of kid who once you put her in bed and turn the light off, she doesn't cry, yell or come out of her room. Occasionally I hear her singing in there, but she almost always goes right to sleep. This time she was hysterical. She came and sat with me and begged me not to send her to school anymore. She literally sobbed herself to sleep as I rocked her, something that hadn't happened since she was like 2.

Friday- At 6:30am I was awoken by a tiny visitor. It was Hailey, and she was crying and climbing into my bed. Again something that never happens! She was begging me, and I mean BEGGING me not to send her to school. She just wanted to stay home with me today and that she needs me so bad. It was heart wrenching. Of course I told her she had to go. She cried while we were getting ready. She cried while she was getting on the bus, and again when I picked her up from aftercare she had been crying. The YMCA teacher said that today was better, that she hadn't cried in class, but she cried as soon as she got to the YMCA room. I had promised I would pick her up at 4:30 this time so she was on the playground when I got there. She was excited to see me and excited for the weekend.

As for the weekend I didn't hear anything out of her until 6am Sunday morning when she again was climbing in my bed begging me not to send her to school on Monday. She doesn't understand why she can't just stay with me and I explained that I had to work and had taken off just the first week of school. Sunday night she cried herself asleep again.......

Monday I went back to work. It broke my heart thinking of her being so upset and knowing I was not even close to her. Kenny doesn't have the patience or empathy when dealing with her when she is upset so that worried me even more. I called him later in the morning and he said she had cried while she was getting on the bus. I was so anxious on the drive home to pick her up. She was playing with the other kids when I got there.  The teacher said she had cried some when she first got in there, but pulled herself together and had been playing. It was an improvement, BUT the teacher said she had cried the whole bus ride and ALL day again. She said the same thing that it was because she really wanted me.

Later that evening at dinner, she asked me why I couldn't stay at home like one of her friend's mom. She said she wanted me to get her off the bus every day and to have dinner waiting for her when she got home. I told her that it just couldn't work that way. Again that wrenched my heart. I wish more then anything I could be there when she got home. I wish I could get her on the bus every morning. It is just something that is out of the question, we could never make it work on just one income.

So this brings me to yesterday. I thought about her the whole day and the 2 hour ride home seemed to take forever while I thought about her. So I went in there to sign her out and prepare for the worse and the YMCA teacher told me that she had had a good day! Mrs. Durham said there was no tears in class and she hadn't cried in aftercare! I was ecstatic! My whole mood changed!!! And last night was immediately declared a Bruster's ice cream night!

So I hope that this will be the start of a much happier experience for Hailey! Kindergarten is supposed to be fun!!! I have never had problems with letting her go. Everyone kept asking me if I was okay Tuesday morning, and I was perfectly fine. Maybe it's because I have always worked, even when she was a tiny baby. So I was used to her going places. But once I saw home upset she was about school and the fact she was crying all day, then it became hard. There is nothing worse then watching your child leave while she is crying and then finding out she had cried all day! I love that she needs me and wants me, but it makes me feel horrible at the same time. I just really wanted her to love it and to be so excited, not begging me to never send her back. But again, hopefully that is all behind us now and this will be a turn for some much happier times!

Here Kitty Kitty......

Yup, I stole this picture from Heather!  That one little gray kitty (no, not that one! The other one on the right!) will be coming home with us soon! Can't wait to take Rosie home and introduce her to the family! Yay!!!!!

PS: I have always wanted a kitty! I don't know who is more excited, Hailey or me!

Birthday Girl!

So my little tootsie roll turned 5 yesterday! Where has the time gone?!?

Her Birthday party was last weekend, and I do have pictures from that, but they are on my camera with a dead battery! And guess who still is living out of boxes?!? Yup that would be me, and I have no clue in which box my charger would be! So as soon as I find it, I'll post the pictures!

So Hailey's birthday went something like this.........

We have been in between houses the past two weeks, but I decided to stay in the new house Wednesday night so Hailey could sleep in her own bed and not the blow up mattress. She was super excited when she went to bed Wednesday, and I could not help myself at midnight from waking her up and being the first one to tell her Happy Birthday! She very drowsily said "Thanks Mommy, good night now" and closed her eyes and she was out!

She woke up bright and early yesterday! She couldn't wait to open her presents. It's amazing how expensive things are, I really didn't get her too much, but boy did it add up in price! I bought her three new outfits for school, some new underwear and socks (boring), a set of earrings, a necklace with a little silver horse charm (thank you clearance!), a cute pair of fuzzy slippers, two leappad games, a clay art kit, some paint, paint brushes, and a note pad, and a pair of brown cow girl boots! Let me tell you about these boots! I debated on taking them back since I had spent a little more then I had wanted too, but I am so glad I didn't! She is in love with these boots! They look really cute with jeans, so I think I could clearly justify keeping them!

And here was her big present......She got a 20" horse! She was in love! And it came with all the stuff for grooming and feeding it!

So after presents, I let her play while I worked on some homework. I then got her dressed in one of her new tops and of course those cow girl boots! Then we went to the YMCA and got her registered for aftercare (still need to take the immunization records and birth certificates, but I am one step closer!).

Then we rushed home to pick up Kenny and we headed off to her Birthday surprise!

Well, we ended up getting stuck in major traffic, so we were 30 minutes late, but she was still excited and was able to get a 40 minute riding lesson in!

She got to go out and catch the pony with the instructor, then she helped lead it to the barn. She helped brush it and clean its hooves off. Jessica, the instructor, did an amazing job teaching her what to do and telling her some amazing facts. Then it was time to put on a vest and helmet and hit the trail! She got to learn to ride bareback for now. Jessica said it allows the children to learn more about balance when they are bareback. They can feel when they are sliding and can correct themselves easier. So then we went on a long walk. Jessica taught Hailey about the proper way to point her heels to the ground and toes to the sky. She told Hailey she looked like a pro and was impressed with Hailey's balance. Then even worked on some galloping! Hailey was very excited! She got to take Misty back and give her a cookie. Then the lesson was over! I am sad that we were late, but I am glad we were able to go and Hailey still seemed very happy! Well worth $20 (thank you livingsocial!)!

So after that, we ran by my Mom's so she could have a Birthday huge then we headed home for dinner. Hailey had one special request......Japanese Steak House!

We went to one by our new house and it was very good! Dinner was delicious and we had a whole table to our self! Then after we had finished, the waitress came out with a piece of cheese cake for Hailey with a candle, and two small bowls of sorbet for Kenny and I! It was a nice surprise, considering we had only told the cook about it being Hailey's birthday!

Then we headed home! Unfortunately, I had a ton of homework due. I had a 10 page paper, powerpoint project, and exam all due at midnight that I had not had a chance to start! It took the whole rest of the night working on that. I was able to listen to Hailey playing though in the other room. She was teaching her baby doll all the things she had learned about horses and grooming today. I was able to peek my head in and get a quick picture of that!

So all and all, she had an amazing day! She was very happy all day long and seemed very happy with everything we had done the whole day! I am so glad I was able to take off the day and could spend it with her! I still can't over the fact that she is already 5 and will be starting Kindergarten next Tuesday! I guess I got to face it, my little baby is turning into a big girl!

So here are some picture!



PS: Thank you droid for being there to capture these pictures while my camera is dead! I would have been so sad without you!

30 Things (15)

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

Hmmm. If I could be any animal, I would be a squirrel. Wouldn't it be fun to hand out in the trees all day, just enjoying the wind blowing through your fur?!?

But! I would be a smart squirrel. I would cross the streets while looking both ways.

And I would make sure I had the fluffiest and bushiest tail around. All the squirrel guys would love me!

Okay......back to reality

30 Things (13 & 14)

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

1. I wear my heart on my sleve.

2. I can never say "no", even though I don't or can't do it.

3. I am very emotional.

4. I have bad anxiety and being in social situations name me very nervous.

5. I let people get away with things when I deserve so much more.

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

1. Despite my lack of organization, I am very dependable.

2. I am a perfectionist and work hard at everything I do.

3. I am very empathetic and can see things the way people see them, even if my opinion is different.

4. I can bite my tougne, because some things aren't worth fighting for.

5. I have a lot of patience. I have learned over the years that this is a good quality and is a hard one to find in many people. Patience is a virtue.

30 Things (11)

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

So I had to come back to this one while I gave it some thought......so here we go....

1. Sniffing and not blowing your nose. I don't mean a few times, but if I have to listen to you do it for like an hour, thats not cool!

2. Being a noisey chewer when eating.

3. Chewing with your mouth open!

4. Gum chewers who smack! AHHHHH some people should not chew gum!

5. Hypocrites- yup the ones that find faults in others, but are doing the same exact thing.

6. Cockiness- Yeah I know you are great, but seriously the more you talk yourself and your things up, the more I don't care. I find this a lot in my guy friends.

7. Kenny leaving his empty and half full soda cans around. I understand it every now and then, leaving on before bed time and then throwing it away in the morning, but his cans that form walls are unacceptable! :)

8. People who change the conversation around on them. Everyone likes to vent, but when you constantly are saying "well you think that's bad, listen to what happened to ME" then theres an issue.

9. Long toenails. You don't have to go get pedicures or anything, but at least keep your toenails trimmed. Only dogs are supposed to click when they walk.

10. People who don't say thank you when you hold the door for them. I mean if it's a friend or something, then whatever, but if you purposely went out of your way to hold a door open for someone and they don't even acknowledge it, that bugs me. I don't work here as a door holder! Thank you goes a long way!