Friday, September 7, 2012

Atleast It's Friday......

I am not exactly sure whats been up the last week or two, but I have just been down in the dumps big time. I am anxious and sad and just exhausted. There's not one particular thing that has been bothering me, but a whole bunch of little things.........

It's kind of like I don't know where I stand anymore. I am kind of beside myself in all aspects of my life. Work hasn't had any major issues, but it's like there is something missing. Maybe I am not feeling appreciated, sometimes a simple thank you or recognition goes a long way. We normally get a tiny close out bonus for busting our butts so much at the end of the fiscal year, but the front office decided they didn't want to do it this year. I have done countless last minute projects for people and a lot of time now I don't even get a quick thank you email back. It's hard because I travel really far for work and I have been trying to leave anywhere between 4:15am and 5:30am. But I have been having a hard time getting up and going. I just have to be in by 7:00am because I won't be able to pick Hailey up from aftercare on time. My commute normally runs me 2 to 2 and a half hours on a normal day, but it took close to four hours a few Friday's ago. I think it all is just starting to wear on me big time, but it's a good job and I make decent money, so it's hard to find a job like it closer to where I live.

Money has been killing me. I have never felt so helpless. I am literally sitting in a ton of debt with school, and moving, gas, and Hailey's birthday and not to mention Hailey's school. I didn't have enough money to pay my car payment this paycheck like I should have, so I spent the last couple days trying to find everything I could to take back to the stores, and canceling things like Netflix. Yeah it's only $8 a month, but that $8 could go towards childcare. I finally got enough to make the payment on the day it was due. It screwed me up because switching utilies when we moved changed my billing dates. Comcast normally comes out the 30th of each month, but now it comes out the 6th. So I just paid it in August and got hit with it 2 weeks later. And then I had to pay for Hailey's aftercare up front in August when I signed her up, well it came out again today! After calling around and leaving voicemails and playing phone tag, I finally got the answer that it charges a month ahead of schedule. So I just paid Octobers. Kenny has no advice to offer when it comes to this stuff, his suggestion was to not take Hailey to dance, but that wasn't right. I feel bad enough I had to use her Birthday money for her dance shoes. She has had a ton of adjustment and even though its for the better, it's not easy on her. She liked dance, so I wanted her to be able to do something she likes. So my only solution is to apply for part time jobs. I can't work during the week since Kenny works nights, but I can work after work of Fridays, all day Saturdays, and an early shift Sunday before Kenny leaves for work. I applied at Ulta, Charming Charlies, and seasonal help at Target and Kohls. I still need to apply at foodlion. I figure every bit helps, especially with the holidays coming up! I know it will get better, and probably next month I will be able to get back on my feet some, but it's been stressful feeling this way and not knowing what to do!

My summer classes ended on the same day my fall classes started. I have been trying to keep up with them, but I am struggling with staying motivated. It just seems so much harder for some reason then normal. Luckily I have been getting the work done and keeping a float, the last thing I need is to fail a class. I am doing two right now, another one starts in two weeks and the day that the first two end I'll begin taking another two classes. At least my teachers seem decent this time!

And finally I have just been struggling with myself......BIG TIME! I am so unhappy with how I look and feel. I believed with all my heart that moving would allow me to get a brand new start, but the stress from the move didn't help the situation. Being between two houses in August didn't help, because I turned to fast food for most my dinners because I didn't want to keep food in either refridgerators when we kept swtiching back and forth. September 1st came and I decided that would be my big change, but I had an AWFUL weekend and it was extremely emotional, so that didn't work either! I am so uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I dyed my hair dark for a change. I normally do dark with highlights, when I do go dark, but this time since I didn't have the money to get my hair done, I just bought a dark dye and did it myself. It's not bad, but I don't like it. It washes me out. And now I haven't had the money to get it highlighted so atleast it would look a little better! I bought a box of bleach and a cap, so we shall see. Maybe I will do my own highlights this weekend.

I have just been struggling with a lot lately. Like I said, not big deals, just minor bumps in the road. I have been struggling with relationships with Kenny, my family, and my friends. I need to figure out how to get myself back on track. Maybe if I start feeling better about myself, everything will all begin to fall into place. Who knows! Maybe I just need a weekend to rest! This is the last weekend before the pool closes, so even though Kenny said we have to unpack, I told him that we will be going swimming in the afternoon after we spend time unpacking.

On the bright side...... I have been cooking dinner most nights, so that has been nice to play with recipes, even though I eat the same thing over and over!

Hope everyone has a good weekend! Next week I hope I will be back to myself and in better spirits!

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