Thursday, January 6, 2011

Flipping the switch, but where the hell is it?!?

This post is a little personal, but this is my blog and my place to put my thoughts into words. So here goes nothing……

So the last few years have I have dealt with depression and have managed with a cocktail of medications, but these last few months have been beyond an emotional roller coaster for me. I am so lost and disconnected with everything. I can't remember where I put anything, what I did, or what I am supposed to be doing. It's taken a lot out of me and I have a lot of days where I can't get out of bed ,which of course makes me feel worse about myself.

I have been seeing a therapist since November. She is amazing and can emphasize with a lot of things that I feel on a daily basis. She herself has dealt with a lot of the same things I deal with and feel each day. She said I am a pleaser. I put everyone’s opinions in front of mine because I don't want to upset anyone and far more importantly, I don't want anyone mad at me. I want everyone to like me and have a ton of friends. I feel my opinion doesn't matter and get walked all over all the time, and that’s okay as long as someone isn't mad or upset with me. I care to much about everyone. I am supposed to be learning to love myself. That's the first step to recovery. But how am I to love myself when I honestly don't even like myself. She says one day a switch will flip and I will realize who matters in my life and who doesn't and that no one else’s opinions should come in front of mine. I will still care about people, but I won't let them be more important than me. There is people in my life who have walked all over me, hurt me repeatedly, and insulted me, but I swallowed my pride and didn't stand up for myself because I feel like them being upset with me is way more painful than the way they have made me feel. No one knows how people's actions and words affect me. I understand that not everyone I meet will like me and I am reminded everyday by one certain person that no matter how hard I try, it won't change someone’s views or ways towards me. I can't understand why she doesn't like me, but it has become more painful to be rejected over and over, so I will rid her out of my life and stop trying. My therapist’s famous words are "You can't change other people, you can only change the way you react to them" and this is a perfect example.

I am also obsessive, in more ways than one, but I will just discuss one way. I am an over thinker and I will lay in bed all night worrying about if what I said hurt someone or if they are mad at me, and what people think about me. She pointed out that I need reassurance in everything I do. After looking into this, I realized she is completely correct! I feel that I need people to okay my decisions. I can't make a decision because I need someone to say it’s okay or agree with me. I also live in guilt over everything. I won't let myself be happy because if something makes me happy I think about how I don't deserve this because so and so is sitting home alone sad about something. I have guilt over things I can't change and things that are completely out of my hands.

I am also a control freak, not in the way that I want to run the show, but in the way that I can't deal with things that are not in my control. I feel as though I can't control anything in my life. Everything falls apart in front of me and I feel helpless because I can't fix it and I don't even feel like I can control my emotions. I just feel like everything spirals out of control all the time. I just want everything to be perfect and I want to feel loved and needed. These are major elements that affect me.

I hurt. My heart doesn't beat right because I have anxiety all the time. I have panic attacks that leave me a complete mess and that again I can't control. I don't sleep because I worry about everything. I am so tired of being tired and depressed. So where is this switch that will help me find myself and get my life on track? She can't tell me this, she said no one can, all she can tell me is that only I can find it and all the answers are within me. I have been digging and digging, but I can't find it! I want off this roller coaster! I know there is things that need to change in my life, but in order for these things to change people need to change. I can't make anyone change, they need to want to change, and clearly they don't want to. Is that an answer?

We decided that it was time for me to take a new path since clearly the one I have been traveling is just becoming self destructive. I made the first step by changing my major to Social Sciences. Yes it added a semester, but it’s something I want to do. I have given up so much of my dreams, but I decided that this was one I would pursue. I am going to take full time classes to graduate as fast as I can, to keep on track. I should graduate with my associates in Dec. 2011! Then I will transfer to University of Maryland University College, and get bachelors in psychology and possibly go on to a masters degree. I hope to one day get to my goal and be work with eating disorders. I was studying nutrition when things in life changed that path, so I want continue on the same path, but in a different direction. The problem with this is that the one person who is supposed to stand by me and push me, is completely against this. I don't need to get myself anymore upset, so I will stop right here with this subject.

I have been told baby steps, that’s what it takes. I want to change myself. I want to get better, feel good about myself and stop hurting. Baby steps is how I will learn to love myself first, baby steps will help me flip that switch, and baby steps is how I will find myself.

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