Friday, December 30, 2011

So the new year is right around the corner.......

So the new year is right around the corner. I am hoping know that 2012 will be a much better year for me. 2012 will be the year I focus on me. I want to find myself and accept myself instead of being my own worse enemy. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am self destructive, but this year I am going to work on that. I want to be able to know deep down in my heart that I am a good person and be able to accept myself for who I am.

I have learned a lot this past year. I have come further then I have ever come in the years past. Most of my help came through therapy sessions. Even though we didn't touch to much on the reasons I was there, it helped me learn a lot about myself and about the people around me. The reason I was there is more of a result to the world around me. It is my own self destructive way of gaining control. I NEED control in my life, because for as long as I remember (and still to this day) I allow others to control me. I allow them to control the way I think, the things I do, and the way I feel. So in a world that is spinning out of control to me, that was my only way to find control. As soon as things get tough, I fall right back into those habits because that's the only way I feel I can control things. But the funny thing is, the thing I do for control, actually controls me and my thoughts. Its something I am working on. Baby steps, right? One step at a time.

So back on topic now. In the past year I have realized who counts to me and who doesn't. I have realized who are real friends and who aren't. Think about it, if you needed help in the middle of the night, who would you call? Out of all of your friends, who could you count on to be there right by your side? Who would be willing to do anything it takes to help you out when you need it the most? If I look at my "friends" I have realized very few of them would be there for me. And I am okay with that! It allows me to see who I need to keep closer and the ones that I need to let go. You shouldn't have to work for a friendship. A friendship should come easily. Some of my best friends are ones I don't see very often, or hardly talk to, but whenever any of us have a problem, we know that they will be there in a heartbeat. If you are excited over the silliest thing, they will be there to laugh along your side. You don't have to be bond at the hip or hang out all the time, because you know where ever you are in life, they will always be there right next to you. I have always worked so hard to make everyone happy, I wanted tons of friends. I would do anything for anyone, because that's just who I am. Its okay to have lots of friends, but remember who your few are. People come and go through life, but there are that small few that you know will always be there cheering you on and holding your hand always! Those are the only people who count, the only people who matter, and the only people you should ever lose sleep over.

"You can't change other people, you can only change the way you react to it". Such an important phrase that has made a big difference in my life. It's true. As hard as I wish and try, I cant change other people. They are who they are, so I need to either accept it or get rid of it. It's hard when its people I love, but I no longer want to live with this anxiety or in painful relationships, so I need to either find ways to get around the feelings and accept that they are who they are and this is how it will always be or cut them out and move on.

Tomorrow is the end of the year! And a new fresh start is right around the corner!

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