Wednesday, September 26, 2012

It's FALL.....I should be happy right?

So Saturday began my most favorite season......


I absolutely love fall! I love the colors that the trees and leaves turn. I love the falling leaves. I love the chilly air and warmer days. I love the smells of fall and the pumpkins. The beautiful colors of the mums. I love decorating and all the festivities. I love haunted houses and the pumpkin patches. I serious just love everything about it!

So with that being said, then why do I feel so down in the dumps?

The house is slowly coming together and things are moving on selling the old house. Both these are good things considering how stressed I have been about both. But it's just like something is missing. Something is wrong. I have been busy with fun things and I have a lot of fun things to look forward to, but honestly I don't want to even leave my room, let alone my house. I haven't wanted to text anyone lately or answer the phone. I haven't been interested in Facebook or Instagram. It's like I am just not interested in seeing anyone or doing anything. I put up a couple things for Halloween, but compared to normal I am way behind in the game. I looked through some of my stuff the other night that I have collected over the years to decorate the house each fall, but I just put the lid back on the container and went back upstairs.

Maybe it's the long days and the busy weekends I have had the past month or two. Maybe it's the fact that I want to do so much, but have no time. I seriously hate working so far away. Maybe this bothers me more now that Hailey is in Kindergarten. I just wish I could do so much more for her, but I leave before the sun comes up and I don't get to her until 5:30 or 6:00. Then it's home for dinner, showers, and then it's her bed time. I had to instruct Kenny on how to do her hair today because it was school picture day. I always lay her clothes out for her the night before, but sometimes I pick her up and she is a hot mess. If they can't find the brush then she will go to school with messy hair. He refuses to do any type of pony tails or clips. And if for some reason I have forgotten to put something out, then he will just send her to school in anything. Ekkkk not always a pretty sight! Also the teacher sent home a volunteer form and I said once or twice a month. Well I guess I wasn't thinking clearly, because I freaked when I got a letter home saying every other Wednesday. Yup, that's twice a month, but my job won't let me take off like that. I am lucky they are as flexible as they are, but I don't want to push my luck. So now I am doing the first Wednesday of the month.

I just wish I could do so much more for her. She is a happy little girl and I know that, but I feel like I am missing out so much on her growing up. And what am I going to do when I have baby #2? I really need to start making some major decisions and putting a lot of thought in what I want. I had a melt down the other day driving home. I am always so exhausted and I don't mind the commute, but it seriously eats up so much of my day, you figure thats 4-5 hours just sitting in traffic of my day. I tried to get into a vanpool, like I was at the old house, but there seems to be no open seats in any of the ones they have. Then I started figuring out how much I was spending on commuting. My Jeep sucks down gas so that was costing me $70 ever other day in just gas. Plus $6.50 parking daily in the building. I seriously just felt like I was sinking further and further under. After a long hysterical phone call to Kenny, he finally offered me his Honda Fit to drive until I can learn to drive stick in my commuter car. That will seriously save like $500 in gas a month. So I finally will be able to stop adding to my growing credit card debt. But believe me, I still have heard a lot of complaining on his end about switching cars.

I know I have so much to be happy for and I know it will all work out. But I can't help but feel so bummed out right now. My mind is constantly turning, it would be so much easier if I could just turn it off. There is just so much on my mind and that needs to be done.

But on the bright side of all this...... at least it's fall!

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