Friday, March 21, 2014

Oh Baby!

I don't think it has fully hit me that I am almost 28 weeks pregnant and in just 12 weeks or less, I will have a brand new baby! It will beginning of a brand new chapter in my little family's lives and as excited I am, I am absolutely just as terrified.

The thought of a new baby is hard for me. This is something I wanted and dreamed about and knew I wanted. We tried for this little baby and waited for the most perfect time to do so. I felt I would be more ready once school was finished, we had a bigger house, and we had settled into our new life in a new house. When I was pregnant with Hailey, I felt more calmer. I couldn't wait for her to come. I pictured my life with her and wondered what she would look like and think of all the things we would do. I loved looking at her little clothes and couldn't believe looking at the difference of newborn clothing and 12month clothing in size. Is it possible they could grow so quickly?!

This time around there are new obstacles and new things to think about that weren't there with Hailey when she was born. Now I see a piece of new born clothing and think "oh my god, are they really that little?!". I feel like I am completely starting over in life. What if I have forgotten everything?! Hailey is so independent and though she still requires a good amount of attention, she loves to play by herself and spend time in her room alone or outside. I can freely do what I want most the time and she will come in and out with a question or a comment, but really doesn't require much. Thinking of a newborn who will be completely dependent on me for it's every need is terrifying! No more days where I can't get out of bed and just lounge around taking naps. I will be forced out of bed at all times of the night and day to take care of a little baby and figure out what she needs. We are constantly telling Hailey to use her words when she is upset. That's not going to fly with a newborn!

And then I think about how different this will be this time around. Kenny now works nights and after Sunday at noon, I don't see him anymore until I come home from work on Thursday night. I am not so much worried about the time when I bring little Miss Emmie home, but what about when I go back to work. He doesn't get home until 1:30am and I am up at 4:30am for work, so what am I going to do all those nights where I am up all night long and switching "shifts" in time to pretty much go to work? I have brought this up with Kenny and his response was "well I need my sleep after working a 10 hour day and I have to be up at 7:30 with Hailey". Ummmm I understand his concerns, but I am also gone 14 hours out of the day between work and commuting and what about my sleep? He can nap after getting Hailey on the bus, but I can't nap at my desk. He never got up with Hailey as a baby and this is something we are going to struggle with. I think we are going to have a tough time figuring our new life out with a new baby and both of our schedules. And it's hard to think about juggling two on my own. We pretty much will be single parents for most of the week. He will be Mr. Mom in the morning dealing with a baby and getting Hailey ready for school and I will be Super Mom all evening long trying to get dinner, baths, and everything ready for the next day for all of us.

I try not to think about this kind of stuff much because it's completely overwhelming, but I know how hard its going to be. I try to remind myself that no matter how hard it is, things will get easier and that tough times don't last. I reminded myself of that all the nights I was up with Hailey and those days where she would be awake ALL NIGHT LONG. And that did pass! And we did survive! Money is going to be tight, emotions are going to run high, my house work will be neglected, but it will all be temporary. I try to stop myself from thinking of all the craziness and think about all the moments I can't wait to see! I can't wait for Hailey to meet her baby sister. I can't wait to see them grow up together and see the things they do. Hailey talks to me all the time about everything she will teach Emily and all the things they will do as she gets older. When the uncertainty of a newborn is looming over me, I try to think of these moments and try to remember the smile on Hailey's face and brightness as her eyes as she tells me how much she can't wait to be a big sister! Those are the moments I need to think about and look forward to in 12 weeks!

So as terrified as I am, I have faith that it will all work out and will get easier as we learn together. It has too! What other choice does we have?

PS: And if I really want to freak myself out, I can recall what my doctors have said that with my blood pressure issues and high risk of pre-clampsia complications that they could take her as early as 30 weeks! Luckily everything has been doing pretty good (fingers crossed! appointments the next two weeks and getting much closer together now) so I am confident she will be cooking for a lot longer then 2 more weeks!

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