Monday, March 10, 2014

Heartbreaks and Headaches

I haven't blogged in a while and I think it's because I have been having such an emotional time lately. I would rather not let my blog posts all contain negative things, but it seems like when something major is bothering you that's what seems to happen.

I decided maybe it is best to just blog about it and get it all out. The matter has been settled for the most part and even though nothing has changed, I am ready to move forward.

The whole issue revolved around a simple topic, my baby shower. I never ASKED anyone to throw me anything, but when one of my best friends told me she wanted to it, I was thrilled. She asked if I thought one of my other best friends would be interested in helping and of course she was, so I gave her the number so they could chat. I also mentioned that she should call my Mom to just make sure things would be okay and so my Mom wouldn't feel left out. When I talked to my Mom a few weeks later, I asked if she had talked to Meagan and she said she had not. She asked what about and then I mentioned about a baby shower. I was actually kind of nervous about my Mom finding out, simply because she made it clear that you never have a second shower for another child, even though my Mom had one at her work for me (I have the pictures to prove it!). My mom threw my first one, and though it was really nice, I was a little disappointed that none of my friends were invited. I still had a great shower, but something I really wanted for this shower was for my friends and my family to both be there. Once I made mention about Meagan throwing me a shower, she caught an attitude because she was supposedly planning one for me with my Aunt. I told her that I really wanted to include my friends this time and that last time there were some hurt feelings after my shower because close friends felt left out. She got defensive and said there was never a list, but I also remember her telling me who SHE was inviting and how everything was going to be and did not want my thoughts or input on anything. She wanted this shower to be a surprise and was livid when I made mention that I had a date in mind. I told her to make contact with Meagan and maybe they could all work together.

After a lot of phone tag between the two they finally started talking. Things didn't seem to go very smoothly. My mom is very stubborn in the fact that what she thinks goes. She wanted to change the date and she also was unhappy with the invite list. She did not want Kenny's family there and even called me and said that she didn't want them invited. She said they make it awkward and they really don't talk to her. She also had comments to say about people on the list who she didn't like and didn't want there.  She even called me asking me why they had to come and that if they came my friends could not. She actually brought the subject up to me multiple times. Like I explained to Meagan, they are still my family and have been nothing, but nice to me. My mom said she didn't want my mother in law there, and even though I have some strong feelings towards her, I knew it would only be right to invite her. She also argued with me on the phone because Kenny's dad had gone on a date with a lady back in December and she knew the lady and someone she wanted to invite also knew the lady so if there was any chance of her coming then she wasn't inviting the other. I tried to explain to her that we don't even see Kenny's dad and have no clue if they are dating or even went on a second date and that I had not planned on inviting her. Meagan said she also heard a whole story about that. She was giving Meagan a hard time over the family and said she was going to throw her own party for family and Meagan and Heather could do one for friends. But then she also added that she would not be inviting Kenny's family and that Meagan could invite them. Meagan tried to explain how it would be kind of weird with all my friends and them there without my family. Finally after much back and forth they decided on having one big shower. The date was still being argued over and my Mom did not understand why it could not be a surprise. My issue is that I live an hour and a half away and also have a pretty busy schedule especially coming up in the spring. So though I don't have to know anything about the shower, I was pretty set on the date because it worked well with my friends who I really wanted to be there and I had already mentioned it to a few people.

So it was settled one large party on May 3rd at my grandmother's house, which is kind of a half way point for most people and myself. Meagan said her and Heather would handle everything, if my Mom could do the food. And then my Mom texted Meagan saying since the invite list was included 40 people, they could not do food, only cake and punch because they did not want anything to be spilled. Meagan said she really thought there should be snack type food and so after her and I discussing it, I decided to just let it be at my house. I have plenty of space and then I didn't have to worry about putting anyone out. I wasn't completely thrilled about our house, but Kenny promised that we would have it all together by the party and that it would be a good opportunity to have people come see our house since they are always asking. He also said we could then not feel bad for inviting anyone that I wanted there. Meagan texted my Mom saying that she had talked to Kenny and I and that we could just do the party at our house. My Mom responded with a text saying how deeply hurt she was by all this and how she had already had a party all planned out and had even gotten some of the paper goods. She was planning a small "intimate gathering" and apparently what she wanted for me was not the same thing I wanted. Meagan and her talked more on the phone and my Mom made comments about the invite list again and how I was turning this into a "open house/ frat party". She said I was being selfish about Kenny's family. And that I always wanted to be center of attention and that I was making this all about me. And also she didn't understand why I wanted so many meaningless people there and I was doing it just for gifts which is wrong. She also decided to just do her own party again. Meagan said that was fine and she finally got around to talking to Heather and they made all the plans that night. My Mom made it clear that she didn't want any invites to be sent to my family and she wanted to see my invite list. I told Meagan to only send her my family on the list because the rest were either Kenny's family or friends. Meagan received a message that night from my Mom saying maybe she would just scrap her idea and come to this one because she was very confused.

I was very upset how things were turning out and the comments that were made. This actually went way deeper then talk about a baby shower. My Mom seemed to voice her opinion on many other things about my life. First off she said how she knows Kenny just hates her and can't stand her. She talked about how rude his family was and how she tries to talk to them and they don't really say much. She knows that the only reason I want them there is because of Kenny. She actually blamed alot of things on Kenny. She made comments about how he spends his money and our relationship. She said that she hates how much Hailey is just like him and when she comes to her house it normally takes about three days to start acting normal. She made comments about our house, not only the distance, but all the stuff we had. She talked about Kenny's junk and how he makes the house look poor. Funny thing about this is that she's only been here once! And the house was clean and besides the basement, mostly put away. The yard was nice and everything had been removed and cleaned up because Kenny had a bonfire that previous night. She said how much she hates our vehicles and that she thinks it is stupid that I have a "jacked up Jeep" and how unsafe it is for me riding around with kids. She commented on how she feels she always has to walk on eggshells around me and how she tries to do so much for me and it never seems appreciated or good enough. She commented on how I can text everyone else, but I am short with her and only answer the question. She doesn't understand why I don't call her more often. She also doesn't understand why I am such an unhappy person and she knows that I blame my childhood. She talked about how she used to take me out weekly and buy me a Cherished Teddy collectible and that she has about 500 of them in boxes still, plus all the ones in her china hutch and that those never mattered to me and clearly I didn't appreciate them because I have never taken them home. Another thing she blamed on Kenny. She also made mention how I like to throw stuff in her face all the time and how when she told me that she wasn't sure that she could love another grandchild and how the first one was such a special baby to a parent and a grandparent, that I got mad and keep making comments about it. Ummmm hello, I am the second born and not the first grandchild on either side, how could she think I wouldn't be hurt by her comment. She also commented on how she knows this is going to negatively effect Hailey.

As you can see, there was ALOT of things said and I didn't even mention the half of it. Meagan said it was seriously like a three ring circus and couldn't believe some of the things coming out of her mouth each time they talked. And at this point I was not mad, but deeply hurt. And the only reason I know this stuff is because I begged Meagan to tell me what was being said. And I fully believe Meagan because I know how my Mom is and she has made similar comments about myself and others pretty much my whole life. I hit a breaking point Friday night and all I could do was cry hysterically. I was hurt that my Mom had said all those things about me and how selfish I was being and just wanted to be center of attention. Though I didn't do anything but provide a list, I still was coming out the bad guy. My list included 8 of my family members, 13 of Kenny's, 4 people I work with, 3 people I ride the van with and 13 of my best and close friends. I didn't feel I was over the top, and though it is a decent size list, it only included people who meant something to me or that I am close to and part of my day daily.

 I knew Saturday I would be seeing her and I wasn't sure how that was going to go. I kept reminding myself it was a party for my little cousin and that unless something was said to me, I would make a point to just distance myself and not cause a scene. I did do just that and the party went good. My Mom had been talking to me weeks prior about cameras. She said it that she knew I really wanted a fancy camera with different lenses and options and that she had been saving money for me since last May for a nice graduation gift. She wanted me to use that money on a camera that I could use, instead of something like a piece of jewelry. She told me she would give me the money and my card at the party and I could order the Nikon d3200 that I had been eyeing forever! This of course was before all these feelings were brought up, so it made it hard when she slipped me the card as she was leaving. I waited until I was home to open it and though I was hesitant I did open it. Inside was a nice message and the money. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation so I just put it back in the envelope and put it in a drawer. I really wanted to text her, but I was still just to hurt by everything that I didn't think I could put it aside. She sent me a message with a picture of a bestbuy ad asking if this was the camera package I had wanted. I finally decided something had to be said.

So after an hour and a half of sitting there writing and rereading, I texted her a message......

"I'm not sure. I did open my card and was truly appreciative of the gift you gave me. Despite what you think, I love you very much and have always been appreciative of everything you have done for Hailey and I. But I am going to be honest with you, I am extremely hurt and saddened by the things that you have said about me in the past few days. I have never asked anyone for anything. I didn't ask anyone to throw me a shower and I was happy when someone wanted to do that for me, When asked for a list, I provided people I wanted to share a celebration for Emily with. It was never meant to come off as a "open house/frat party" and I offered my house because I clearly did not want to put anyone out by using their house. I never was looking to be "center of attention" as you feel, but to be honest, when you go to a shower it is for a mother and baby. But this goes deeper then a baby shower because you have voiced your opinion and clearly don't agree with choices I make from where I live , who I married, and even down to the vehicle I drive. And even though you may have accepted the fact of another baby, you were never happy about it. And I am baffled at the fact that you think this is going to negatively effect Hailey so much and I mean, I am the second child so clearly the comments you have made about first borns and first grandchildren are hurtful to me. So as far as the money goes and a camera, I am going to save the money in my drawer for right now. I can give it back though if there is something you could use it for."

I hit sent and I was instantly sick. Every vision of the future that ran through my mind,my Mom poofed out of the picture. I immediately was in tears and calling on Kenny to tell me things would be okay. He said that the message I sent was done tastefully considering how badly I had been hurting the past few days. I waited around for a message, but never got anything. After I cried myself to sleep, I woke up throughout the night and checked my phone and there was no response. And after how angry I was, all I could picture was my Mom sitting there crying and upset. That made a huge knot in my stomach, because who really wants to make their Mom cry. I laid in bed all morning waiting and nothing came through. Finally about 1pm my phone rang and I saw it was her calling.

She first off told me not to talk because she had things to say. She wanted to let me know she had been up all night sick about the message and how I completely destroyed her by the things that I said. She said that either Meagan twisted everything up or that I had to of misunderstood. She said first off that she was simply asking about if I wanted this an open house. She said she felt it would be a frat party if guys were involved (which didn't make sense and having guys there were never mentioned). She said she told Meagan that I have always liked to have a big circle or friends around and it was something that she never was interested in because she didn't like being center of attention. She said it was Meagan who did not want Kenny's family there. She said she has already told me she hates the distance that I live now and how she feels like she is missing so much in Hailey's life. She said she likes Kenny but does not like the way he treats me. She said that her concern about my Jeep is because she doesn't want me to have to struggle to put a baby carrier in or to fall out while pregnant and hurt myself or the baby. She said it was Meagan who made a big deal about the party and not having food and how she said that was what she really wanted and that's why it had to be moved. She told me that she never meant anything negatively about the first child and how with the first child it's more of an experiment of finding out what works and what doesn't. The second child is much easier and you worry less about. She also said she could not believe that Meagan would tell me all those things and how she was trying to sabotage our relationship. She said that Meagan said how she wishes she had what we had and now here she was trying to destroy it. She cried and I cried and we talked for about an hour. And to be honest nothing could really be resolved, it was just feelings were let out.

I know my Mom and I know Meagan didn't lie about things like she thinks she did. The things she said came out of my Mom's mouth are exactly things I know she would say, especially how she said they were worded. So though my Mom thought they were meaningless and misunderstood, it was due to the way she communicated. And it's always easier to explain what you thought you might of meant when you have time to think about it after being called out on it. And some of those things have been said to me already in one way or another. She did not want me to have another baby. She even told Hailey things to make her not want a baby. Anytime a baby was talked about she would quickly change the subject or get all choked up and say how she couldn't love another baby and how hard it would be on Hailey. She talked about my childhood some and said about the collectibles she got me to try to make me happy. I told her that I appreciated those, and that I had a fairly good childhood, the only thing I was lacking was the sentimental type things. She still doesn't understand why when she tells me it was because they didn't have the money to do things, that I don't believe her. I would have preferred to pick a pumpkin and carve it. I would have loved to dye Easter eggs. I would have done anything to go trick or treating or go to the county fair or go to a park and play. Maybe instead of buying collectibles we could have done things like that. I did not do any of those things until I was 17/18 years old and did them with Kenny. Isn't it crazy to think that my boyfriend taught me how to dye an Easter egg and was there when I went to a pumpkin patch and picked my first pumpkin and he taught me how to carve it, all at the age of 18?? It always turns into a sad sob story when it comes to my Mom. And clearly she felt as though she was the victim in this situation, as she does with them all. But you know what, it's my Mom and that's how she is.

So from this I feel that though she feels she never said any of those things and it was a huge misunderstanding, I can just accept the fact she feels about everything said and move forward. I got out all my hurt and can now just move ahead without looking back. Face it, she's my Mom and though she may drive me nuts, I will always love her. Another thing I learned was to vent less to her, because some of the things that were said were twisted off of things I was venting about at one point or another, such as our yard. In that instance I was on the phone when I pulled up and saying how big of mess Kenny had in front of the garage. That has been cleaned up and was simply a vent at that time. But that is now how she pictures the house and feels she needs to comment on and tell people about. So vent less and move froward. That's all I can do.

If you have made it to the end of this long saga, you are pretty amazing. I needed to get all of this out. I am a person of words. If I can get my thoughts out in words on paper, then I can get them out of my head. Hopefully things will seem a little perkier from this point on and I can pick up to my posting and focusing on the baby and the happy things I am excited for!

1 comment:

  1. Nikki, I've been a silent follower for a while. I read your entire post and I have to say you are a very strong person for putting up with what you do. I would never be able to put all that behind me and move on, it would consume me one way or another. Even though I barely know you, please know that I support you and I wish nothing but happiness for you, but at the same time you must do what's best for you, the baby and your family.