Monday, July 30, 2012

30 Things! (3)

Best of Both Worlds

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

I have really put a lot of thought into what I was going to say about this question. Don't get me wrong, I have parents that have always provided everything I needed and I know they love me, but I don't know how I would describe our relationship. Let me tell you a little bit about them......

It's just my older brother and I. My Mom decided to become a SAHM when I went into Pre K because she was scared that my Dad would send me to school with messy hair and mix matched. My Dad has always worked nights and wasn't around much. We were not a very affectionate family. We didn't say "I love you" or hugged or kissed. I always knew I was loved though. My parents were really strict. My Dad pretty much ran the house since he was the one that worked. We never got to do much. I remember in elementary school our summer vacation was a day trip to Kings Dominion. It was a huge deal and was super exciting. We never had a lot of money to spend, so that probably limited what we did. I never did any activities after school or had parties. We never went out to dinner and McDonald's was a special outing. Even though I missed out on a lot, I still had a good childhood and had nice stuff and I can say I was happy.

I think the issues started when I got older and could make my own decisions. I think it was hard for them to not control me so much. In the end, they were always by my side, but in the beginning of whatever it might be, they never were. When I started dating they were not happy. In fact I was forbidden to date Kenny when I was 17, it took weeks of talks, arguments and tears to finally allow me to be able to date him. They weren't really supportive when I moved away to Baltimore for school. They were NOT supportive when I was pregnant with Hailey in the beginning. It was actually an awful first few months while my Mom convinced me how disappointed everyone would be, how big of mistake I was making, and everything under the sun that she should come up with. And they were against me marrying Kenny. And they were very against me moving. In fact I have been made to feel like I won't have a family now that I live a little over an hour away and not just 20 minutes down the road. I think all of this has made everything so much harder. My brother is another big problem and is something that my Mom and I had a huge falling out over recently. I feel pushed aside. Nothing I do is as good as he is. He has had struggles in his life, so my Mom tends to always be on the defense for him. It has actually really pushed me away from my family a lot in the past few years.

I have ALOT of anxiety when it comes to my family. I know they worry because they care, but mentally I can not deal with the negativity I get when I make a decision. Here the recent move was suppose to be such a good thing for my family, but I spent the whole first night crying because of a phone call and texts with my Mom. She told me they were hurt that I hadn't invited them over to see the house, but they have always acted like I was moving to Egypt so I was worried about asking them. Not to mention, we JUST moved most the stuff Saturday and it's nothing but bags and boxes right now. Also she said my Dad was disappointed that I didn't say good bye. Little digs like that hurt me and make me feel bad. I didn't say good bye because I didn't feel I went anywhere. My Mom also made mention that she felt I chose a friend over her since I moved where one of my best friends live and didn't stay in the area around her. It had nothing to do with Meagan living there, it was the area we liked. We liked going and seeing Meagan. The cost of living was cheaper and we had so many more options then where we lived in Maryland. It was NEVER ever about choosing someone over her. It still really hurt my heart. So my first night in my new house I cried myself to sleep because I was just sad and worried about upsetting my family.

Also we won't even get on the topic of having any more children. I really want another baby soon. I want Hailey to be a big sister. I want to grow my family. It is something that we have put a lot of thought and consideration into with money and day care. That is one of the reasons why we have waited. My Mom has flat out told me that she didn't want me to have anymore children. She has also told Hailey that she only wanted her and to spoil her. This is something that really upsets me. It makes me sad to know that the one person I should be so excited to tell, will be the one who won't be happy for me.

So this is where I am. I can't tell you what my relationship is with my parents, BUT I can tell you that they are good parents, they will always be there when I need them the most, and they have always provided everything I have needed, just not mentally.

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