30 Things (8)

8. What are 5 passions you have?
I have never really thought of this before. I actually just had to look up the meaning of "passions" to get a better understanding. So let me give this a try.....

1. Being around people- I love love LOVE to be around people. I am sociable and I like to have a good time. I do better one on one with people, but I still just like to be with my friends or my family or with Hailey. But, don't get me wrong I also like silence and to just relax at time too.

2. Field hockey- I played it all through high school. It's the only sport I  have ever played. I picked it back up last fall playing for an adult league. I traveled almost 2 hours each way to play every Sunday by myself all Fall outdoor season. Then this past winter I recruited a friend for indoor so that was alot fun. I also began playing goalie which was something I had always wanted to do. My mind is always thinking and worrying about something EXCEPT when I am in goal. The only thing I focus on is watching the game and the ball in front of me. It is a total stress reliever and I am surprisingly aggressive at the sport.

3. School- I wouldn't say I love going to school, but I love working towards something I REALLY want! It is something that has never been given to me. I don't qualify for financial aid, even though I don't have the money to pay for it. I just push to make ends meet each semester. I take full courses, not because I want to, but because I want to push myself. I have never taken a semester off in fear that I wouldn't be able to get back in the flow. It has been super intense with work and Hailey and just life, but it is something I want to prove to myself and to show Hailey that you can do anything you put your mind to. I knew my family didn't have money to send me to college growing up so it was never on my mind. It wasn't until I was 19 and decided that I wanted something more out of life that I decided to pack up and head to college. I couldn't go to a nice school because it wasn't affordable. Instead I went to a community college, lived in a crappy apartment in a bad area and worked full time making nothing just so I could pay my part of the bills. I have never had support. Even though my family is proud of me, they didn't care if I went or didn't. No one in my family is a college graduate. My husband would actually prefer if I didn't go because of the money issue and knowing that I am just adding to my personal credit card debt. For two years it was required so that I could keep my job at work as a student position in the government. Once I got my associates, I was able to convert to full time permanent position. Now I am pushing myself for my bachelors, doubling classes so that I can graduate and the only question I get from all my family is "When are you going to stop? You have a job now so what's the point?" The point is that it means something to me. So through the sleepless nights, the crushing deadlines, the credit card debt, the many tears, the crazy stress and anxiety, I do it because it means something to me!

4. My daughter- She is my passion. It is amazing when I stop and think about it and realize that I MADE HER! I made this tiny human being in my own body! I taught her everything she knows. I nurtured her before she was even born and as an infant and as a growing toddler. She may drive me nuts at time, but I remind myself that I wouldn't know how to live if anything would ever happen to her. So I just let her talk while I am trying to do homework or when I have had a long day, because I never want to look back and regret the fact that I didn't listen when I had the chance. She is my baby! I look at her and think how beautiful she is. And even though she is a lot like her father, she is so much like me too! She is amazing to me and so smart! I want nothing but the best for her and to be there by her side everywhere she goes.

5. Life- This is something that I take for granite while I am always rushing around. But sometimes I remind myself to just take a minute to think about everything. There is nothing like driving down the road in the beginning of fall and seeing the beautiful colors of the trees. The rain may be a bummer sometimes, but to see the flowers perk up after the rain or the grass become greener. To just lay in the sun and soak up the rays and to just breathe. The breeze that blows through your hair while you take a walk. These are all pieces of life. Amazing things that normally just past you by. Watching Hailey as she dances around her room like a ballerina and seeing how carefree she is. Seeing things grow and change. Taking notice in how much life has changed year by year. I have come to the conclusion that if I don't stop and look closely a life, then it very well could just pass me by. Things really don't matter, because you can't take them with you. It's the moments that we life for. The memories that we make and the smiles that we create. So for me, life is a passion that I don't want to take for granite anymore.

30 Things (7)

7. What is your dream job, and why?

Hmmmmm. Think think think.......

I think my dream job would be a psychologist working with eating disorder patients or as a school psychologist. I really want to help people. I have a lot of patience and empathy. I am a good communicator and like to help people see the best in situations. I feel I have experienced certain situations for a reason. Even though I struggle and have never been really able to fix myself, that I would be able to help and fix others.

30 Things (6)

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

The hardest thing I have ever experienced was losing a loved one. Unfortunately, I have lost two that I was really closed to and love very much.

Kevin was like a brother to me. He used to work with me and we were really close. He even told me that he adopted me as a little sister. Kenny and I would have date night with him and his wife. He was one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He used to race motocross professionally and he knew all the riders that I had googly eyes for. I used to think that was so neat. He traveled all around racing. He retired when his son was born. He had this funny sarcastic humor and you never knew what would come out of his mouth. I remember always being afraid of disappointing him when I made any decision. He had a disapproving look that would make me cringe when I would mess up what I was doing. I never wanted to make him upset or disappointed with me. I just had that much respect for him. He was married to an amazing woman named Stacy! They were the perfect couple and their personalities worked so well with one another. They were truly in love and more then anything Kevin loved his little boy!

Unfortunately on the morning of February 8, 2006 he was killed in a car accident on his way to work. After dropping his son off at the baby sitters, for some unknown reason he crossed the center line and was hit head on by a tractor trailer truck. He was killed instantly.

I had just gotten to work when we got a phone call on our work line. Kevin had been driving a Scion xB that was owned by the company and had their lettering on it. The person told the girl who answered the phone that one of our vehicles had been in an accident and that the he thinks the guy is dead or badly hurt and that he could see a car seat in the back and he wasn't sure if he had a baby with him too. He was really short and pretty nasty. The girl was speechless and handed the phone over to someone else. The other guy was only able to get the location out from him and then the caller hung up. The bosses weren't there so it was just the three of us employees standing there in disbelief. Immediately I went into panic mode especially thinking that Brett could be hurt too. I immediately took out my phone and called Stacy and told her to call the sitters and see if Brett was there. She questioned me and I said I would have to explain after she called. She called me right back and said that Kevin had dropped him off. Then I lost it and started crying and someone took my phone and told her that there had been an accident and we didn't know any details. While I was on the phone with her, someone else began calling fire departments to find what hospital he would be taken too. We called our bosses who were going to be in late that morning what had happened and what we knew. Me and another co-worker went running to her vehicle to go to the scene of the accident. Stacy left work and agreed to pull over so that we could pick her up. We didn't want her driving herself, not knowing if he was okay or where we were going. So we picked her up and headed to the scene. They had the road blocked off way before the accident to keep cars coming that way and we immediately jumped out and took off running. The police grabbed us and Stacy freaked out and said she needed to know if it was her husband in the accident and if he was okay. The office kept trying to calm us down, but knowing it wasn't working and we weren't going to back off, he told us that the only thing he could say was that the person who had been in that car wasn't alive. Stacy fell to the ground and lost it. Her parents pulled up about that time and came running over. I couldn't breath. I was in shock and in disbelief. I went and sat in the grass and just cried hysterically, like I had never cried before. I couldn't believe that someone I loved so much was gone. Someone who loved his life, his wife, his son, his family, and friends more than anything was gone. My heart hurt like I had never felt ever in my life. I refused to leave until the end, which due to the accident investigation and waiting to for the cornier to arrive from Baltimore wasn't until an hour or more later. Stacy wasn't budging and I wasn't leaving her side.

The days after, I didn't eat or sleep. I hardly talked to anyone. I was just in a daze. I had never lost anyone who I was this close to in my life. Plus it broke my heart thinking about Stacy and their son. Another thing I found out was that he had a card with him in his car that he was bringing me. I had been out for a while with a shoulder injury so it was a cheer up card from Kevin and Stacy. When my boss went to go get things out of the car, I begged him to find it for me. They were able to find it under the rubble. It was crushed and covered in oil and fluids from the engine. I didn't care because I wanted it still. Our job stayed closed while people sent flowers and gift. Because he was a big name motocross rider and local hero, news spread fast. It was all over the internet and it was all in the papers. Pictures of the accident scene was front page and a picture of Kevin holding his son were all over the place. My bosses knew how hard we were all taking it (we worked in a close knit family owned sign shop) so they even had a grief counselor come talk with us. I spent most my time at Stacy's with her and Brett while details started coming together about the arrangements. The day of the viewing it ended up snowing. I couldn't get my car out so I had to walk down the road and wait for Kenny to pick me up since the roads weren't clear either. I was allowed to go to the early viewing since I was considered family. I wrote a letter to Kevin that Stacy put in his coffin with him. The viewing was extremely hard and the funeral was postponed due to the snow.

I was only 18 and it was the first person that close to me that I had ever lost.
They say that time heals wounds, but it left a huge hole in my heart. I still think about Kevin all the time. I have a picture of him in my room and the card that was with him is still in it. The tattoo on my right sholder was done for him by one of our mutal friends. It is an Amy Brown fairy called "Forget-Me-Not". It has her sitting on ivy and has Forget Me Not flowers in the background. In her wings I have his retired motocross numbers 574. I still talk to Stacy now and then, but not as much as I would like. I have so many funny memories with him in it that I hold onto.

The second loss was two years ago, but it wasn't sudden like losing Kevin. It was very long and drawn out. To watch someone wither in front of your eyes is something I never wish on anyone. I have always been close to my Aunt and Uncle. In November 2007, my uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He immediately began chemo and radiation. In the beginning there wasn't much difference. He was just tired and got sick alot. Right before he was diagnosed, Hailey began going to their house daily while I was at work. My aunt had called dibs on watching her while I was still pregnant. She had watched my brother and I when we were little, so she was ready to start on the next generation of our family. It ended up working out as a blessing in disguise. My uncle referred to her as his "little sunshine". He loved her and loved playing with her. When she got a little older, he would disappear for a while and come back with new toys he thought that she needed. He loved playing tea party with her and bought her one for their house so she could play.  His battle was long and hard. He was in and out of the hospital a lot. He fought for over two years and finally could no longer fight anymore. He was put in Hospice care. He lost the battle on February 19th, 2010 at home. I was crushed. I knew how bad he was suffering and he had gone down hill quick. He was in constant pain that was unbareable and could not be controlled. By the end he was bed ridden and only slept. It was too exhausting to talk or even keep his eye open. Even though I saw all this, I refused to ever lose hope that he would recover and pull through. I didn't want to let go and I was scared for Hailey since she loved him so much. Every night I sat with my Aunt while she vented or cried through the whole battle. She didn't want to stop watching Hailey because I think it kept her mind off of things. We all miss and love Dave very much. I know it is selfish of me to hurt the way that I did and still do because he was finally free of all the pain. But I was so sad losing him and again it was another life that was ended way to soon.

When I talked about my fears, I named death as my number one fear. I am so afraid to die myself and to leave people behind and I am so afraid of losing more loved ones. Maybe it is because I don't understand it. I don't know why things like this happen to good people. I know that death is inevitable, but losing someone that you love is still one of the hardest things I have ever experienced.

30 Things (5)

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1. My beautiful daughter makes me happy. She is sassy and is really starting to push her luck, but I would be lost with out her! She says funny things and really knows how to cheer me up! I am so excited about her starting her new school and making new friends!

2. My best friends!

3. Being excited about our new kitty! Hailey is super excited too! We can't wait to bring her home!

4. That pay week is this week! I have $30 in my bank account so needless to say, I am broke. Let's just hope nothing unexpected comes out.

5. Blogging makes me happy right now! I am really starting to get into it. I like reading about other peoples lives, making new friends, the fact that I have 5 followers now (Yay!!!), and just getting to think about stuff.

30 Things (4)

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

1. I think the most important thing I would tell myself is to love myself. I have always had a tough time accepting myself and I think if I would have realized this sooner, then I wouldn't have such a hard time now.

2. Friends come and go. You will work way to hard to have a friendship that won't last.

3. Put yourself out there more. You will find that you missed out on a lot of opportunities because you were to afraid of being rejected.

4. Don't drink so much! You will realize that you would have had a better time if you were drunk. Plus you wouldn't feel so bad the next day!

5. Don't worry about so much! When you get older, then you will have lots to worry about! So just RELAX!

6. You can do whatever you want, and don't let ANYONE tell you that you can't. You will find that people won't like your hopes and dreams, only because they are jealous or they don't understand them.

7. Work hard and save your money! Be cautious about being too nice and loaning it out. There is a good chance that if you aren't cautious that you will never see it again. And it's expensive being an adult!

8. Stay in shape and eat healthy! It is way easier preventing weight gain then actually losing the weight! You will be VERY UNHAPPY when you get older if you don't!

9. Don't waste tears on stupid people. You will never be able to change the person they are. Know that you deserve better then to be treated that way.

10. You won't believe what your life has in store for you. Make smart decisions. Follow your heart! Take chances! Sometimes taking the easiest way isn't always the best. Life is a struggle. You will have heart break and you will know love. Don't rush things! And no matter what, always remember that things will work out in the end.

30 Things! (3)

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

I have really put a lot of thought into what I was going to say about this question. Don't get me wrong, I have parents that have always provided everything I needed and I know they love me, but I don't know how I would describe our relationship. Let me tell you a little bit about them......

It's just my older brother and I. My Mom decided to become a SAHM when I went into Pre K because she was scared that my Dad would send me to school with messy hair and mix matched. My Dad has always worked nights and wasn't around much. We were not a very affectionate family. We didn't say "I love you" or hugged or kissed. I always knew I was loved though. My parents were really strict. My Dad pretty much ran the house since he was the one that worked. We never got to do much. I remember in elementary school our summer vacation was a day trip to Kings Dominion. It was a huge deal and was super exciting. We never had a lot of money to spend, so that probably limited what we did. I never did any activities after school or had parties. We never went out to dinner and McDonald's was a special outing. Even though I missed out on a lot, I still had a good childhood and had nice stuff and I can say I was happy.

I think the issues started when I got older and could make my own decisions. I think it was hard for them to not control me so much. In the end, they were always by my side, but in the beginning of whatever it might be, they never were. When I started dating they were not happy. In fact I was forbidden to date Kenny when I was 17, it took weeks of talks, arguments and tears to finally allow me to be able to date him. They weren't really supportive when I moved away to Baltimore for school. They were NOT supportive when I was pregnant with Hailey in the beginning. It was actually an awful first few months while my Mom convinced me how disappointed everyone would be, how big of mistake I was making, and everything under the sun that she should come up with. And they were against me marrying Kenny. And they were very against me moving. In fact I have been made to feel like I won't have a family now that I live a little over an hour away and not just 20 minutes down the road. I think all of this has made everything so much harder. My brother is another big problem and is something that my Mom and I had a huge falling out over recently. I feel pushed aside. Nothing I do is as good as he is. He has had struggles in his life, so my Mom tends to always be on the defense for him. It has actually really pushed me away from my family a lot in the past few years.

I have ALOT of anxiety when it comes to my family. I know they worry because they care, but mentally I can not deal with the negativity I get when I make a decision. Here the recent move was suppose to be such a good thing for my family, but I spent the whole first night crying because of a phone call and texts with my Mom. She told me they were hurt that I hadn't invited them over to see the house, but they have always acted like I was moving to Egypt so I was worried about asking them. Not to mention, we JUST moved most the stuff Saturday and it's nothing but bags and boxes right now. Also she said my Dad was disappointed that I didn't say good bye. Little digs like that hurt me and make me feel bad. I didn't say good bye because I didn't feel I went anywhere. My Mom also made mention that she felt I chose a friend over her since I moved where one of my best friends live and didn't stay in the area around her. It had nothing to do with Meagan living there, it was the area we liked. We liked going and seeing Meagan. The cost of living was cheaper and we had so many more options then where we lived in Maryland. It was NEVER ever about choosing someone over her. It still really hurt my heart. So my first night in my new house I cried myself to sleep because I was just sad and worried about upsetting my family.

Also we won't even get on the topic of having any more children. I really want another baby soon. I want Hailey to be a big sister. I want to grow my family. It is something that we have put a lot of thought and consideration into with money and day care. That is one of the reasons why we have waited. My Mom has flat out told me that she didn't want me to have anymore children. She has also told Hailey that she only wanted her and to spoil her. This is something that really upsets me. It makes me sad to know that the one person I should be so excited to tell, will be the one who won't be happy for me.

So this is where I am. I can't tell you what my relationship is with my parents, BUT I can tell you that they are good parents, they will always be there when I need them the most, and they have always provided everything I have needed, just not mentally.

30 Things (2)

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

1. DEATH- I fear dieing or losing someone close. I have lost a few people in my life and it is the worst feeling ever! Maybe I fear this because I don't understand it. When I was little I thought we were supposed to get old and die in our sleep, like when we were over 100, but that's not life at all. I don't understand why the young die. I don't understand why people get sick and die. I know it's all part of our "plan", but I just don't understand it. I don't ever want to die and I surely don't want anyone of my loved ones to die.

2. DROWNING- I know this comes along with death, but I am so scared to drown. I have gotten caught in the water where I've gotten turned around and didn't know which way is up. It is soooooo scary. I am fine with swimming, but when we go into the ocean, in the back of my mind I am always scared of being sucked away and drowning.

3. BEING IN A CAR ACCIDENT- This is one of my biggest fears is being in a car accident. I rear ended someone before, totaled my car but just scraped his bumper. I wreaked my xB while I was 7 months pregnant. It was a pretty bad accident, I got hit going about 60 in a T bone style crash on my passenger side. It then pun me out into the median where I took out a stop sign. Luckily the baby was okay and I only broke my wrist, ribs, and toe. The rest was all just bruising and cuts. It was the worse feeling ever. I just remember being in a daze and I couldn't remember Kenny's phone number. And I was living 2 hours away from my family and Kenny at the time. I was worried that the other person was hurt. The last thing I EVER want to do is hurt (or worse) anyone while driving even if it isn't my fault. I get caught up on the "what ifs" and I don't know if I would be able to live with myself.

30 Things (1)

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

Hmmmm where to start....

1. My name is Nicole, but I go by Nikki
2. I turned 25 on May 8th.
3. My family consists of my husband Kenny, my four year old Hailey, our dog Pixie and our soon to be kitty Rosie!
4. My favorite color is pink, hot pink preferably and lime green.
5. I love, love, love stars!
6. I love trucks and cars, and especially going to shows. I know decent amount about them too!
7. I have a black Jeep Wrangler Rubicon that I LOVE! I don't think I ever will want to get rid of it.
8. I played field hockey through high school, and now play for adult teams. This time I am a goalie!
9. I have my associates in Social Science and I will graduate next year with my BS in Psychology. I am hoping to find a decent Master's program that I can afford. That's one of my goals!
10. I currently work for the federal government, but I think I was meant to do so much more. I want to be a psychologist with a strong focus in eating disorder recovery.
11. I played dumb in highschool to fit in with my friends, but I really was always on the honor roll!
12. I am a shoeaholic! I have sooooo many shoes, and most are from 9th grade and up. I just have ALWAYS taken care of my shoes. I can't tell you how many different pairs of etnies and DC's I have.
13. I worked in graphic designs and at a sign shop for 5 years. I can create, cut, and install lettering. I now do work on the side using my silhouette cameo.
14. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones I have are the bestest.
15. I can own and can play guitar. I have an electric guitar, amps, and pedals from when I went through a rock band stage.
16. I love music! I mostly listen to rock, emo, and country, but every now and then I do a car ride catching up on some Pop music!
17. I am confident in myself, but I have ZERO self esteem. It's something I have struggled with forever and is at it's worse right now. Ask me what I like about myself, I bet I can't come up with an answer. Learning to love myself is on my things to work on list.
18. I am in love with makeup! I have a lot of it too. I love doing smokey eyes and multi color eye shadows. I like things that are bright and pop!
19. I like piercings and tattoos. I currently have 13 piercings and 6 tattoos!
20. I am easy to read like a book, my facial expressions tell it all sometimes!

So what are 20 random things about you?!? Now head over to Best of Both Worlds and check out other peoples random facts!

30 Things in 30 days about me!

So since I am still pretty new to the blog world, I am trying a new thing out and lucky for me, one of my best friends Heather at Best of Both Worlds is hosting her first linky (I am still learning about all this stuff :) ). I have always been really bad about keeping up with these things, so hopefully I will be able to do this one! It's basically so that we can meet new people and learn about one another! So happy blogging!




1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for

Day 2

Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name

"Wish Upon A Shooting Star"

I choose this as a blog name because I love stars. Most of my screen names or blog titles have something to do with stars. I love the saying "Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss you will land among the stars". I plan on making that a tattoo soon. I also have alot of soul searching to do, I am still struggling with finding myself. So while I figure everything out, I am going to keep wishing upon the shooting stars for the answers I need to the many of questions I have.

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself


1. My favorite colors are pink and lime green!
2. I am in love with stars
3. I am not a big candy fan, but sweets like brownies and cookies grab my attention.
4. I have a beautiful daughter named Hailey, who is one of my best friends!
5. I love shoes, clothes, belts, and purses.
6. I have a Jeep Rubicon that I love. It has MBRP exhaust, a terraflex budget boost (2.75 inches), 17" flat black wheels, 35" Pro Comp tires, and a tuner to help offset the difference from the tires.
7. I love trucks and cars, not to mention I know alot about them (as you can see above)
8. I love piercings and tattoos. I have 4 tattoos and have 13 piercings.
9. I love Tinkerbell and Hello Kity
10. I love going to truck shows, especially when they are out of state.
11. I like school, and graduated pretty far up in my class.
12. I have a handful of the bestest friends you can ask for.
13. I love makeup and wild colors, and I am actually pretty good at doing it. I would love to be a makeup artist
14. I want to be a psychologist and help people. I want to work with eating disorders the most.
15. I played field hockey in school and really want to play again this fall

30 Day Challenge

So I have watched as Heather has done this every day for the last 30 days. So my goal is to do this one for the next 30 days! lol let's hope I can stick with it!

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.